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Question
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2012/02/20

Church Agrees/His response anger

Hi CS,
Thanks for the advise, it is something I will do and I have told him as much.
Our church representative also advised us both yesterday that they would not marry us if we are living together. They suggested he move out as in immediately if possible and that abstinance be part of the agreement prior to them marrying us as well as councelling. He agreed at the church but the minute we got in the car I sensed his anger, he believes that if he leaves me now there will be no coming back. His anger was palpable and my children were visiting, he caused an atmosphere. My daughter who doesn''t seem to care what she said''s told him straight that she is not at all impressed with his behaviour this weekend, because he didn''t really spend time with us. He drank a lot on Saturday, we had taken out DVD''s and bought Pizza so that we could settle down as a family and chill, he sat outside and then went to bed.
He also doesn''t seem to understand was abstaining means, he has no respect for my wishes or that of the church. I at pushing him away at this point (my psychologist said the last time we spoke that I was withdrawing from the relationship and just going with the flow), now I am actively trying to hold him at bay.
He is the quiet type, very calm but when his anger flairs, which is seldom I immediately feel threatened and concerned because he is a big man. To explain this, I had told one of my friends that he was a big man, when she met him she said she hadn''t thought he was that big. He is 1.85m''s tall but has very broad shoulders, his hand is as big as my entire face, so yes I am afraid that if he looses it and strikes out there will be nothing left of me so I try to keep the peace. I am currently taking urbanol just to try and keep me calm so that I don''t say something I shouldn''t. I know this is not healthy. It doesn''t look like he is going to honour the churches requirements, he has nowhere to go and obviously now doesn''t have the funds, but he does have a number of big jobs coming up.
I am too afraid to tell him to sleep elsewhere, although nothing is happening between us, he is still violating my space and tries to bully me into having s_x with him. I wake up with him trying to .... you know what and I try to ignore it and move on, but I also know this triggers bad memories, I have told him. I have come to the conclusion that he doesn''t respect women at all, he tells me that I belong to him, I am his and ONLY his. This sometimes feels like a threat.
CS, how do you get someone out of your home without damaging the relationship, still go for councelling and take it from there? What would you suggest as an approach to a big bear that you are planning to step on its toes? I am afraid, to loose him and to keep him(it sounds like I have reduced him to a pet but that is not the case) because either way he will become angry.
Thank you for listening and for all your advise. I am trying to stand strong against him and all other obstacles at the moment.
Take Care.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he believes that leaving you now, as advised by your church would mean he would never come back, then this was not love. Remember that old line about letting him go, and if he doesn't come back then you never actually had him, anyway ?
But discuss carefully with your psychologist, and maybe with POWA or some similar group, how to make sure you are safe in the event of a breakup or simply a temper tantrum on his side.
The core of the matter is that financially he has wasted his resources and relied entirely on you as his provider, and, as you say, he has nowhere to go. The |number of big jobs coming up " may be mythical and face-saving claims.
Be afraid of his potential for violence, but don't be afraid of losing him - nothing about him, as you describe him, would be any genuine loss for any woman.
Take care

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Truth | 2012/02/20

On 14/9/2011 you had exactly the same problem with either another looser or perhaps the same one!

You either did not follow the advice given or less than 6 months later found yourself in exactly the same position with a new man!

l am glad you are attending church because as you continue to not help yourself only God can help you now...............

Reply to Truth
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/02/20

If he believes that leaving you now, as advised by your church would mean he would never come back, then this was not love. Remember that old line about letting him go, and if he doesn't come back then you never actually had him, anyway ?
But discuss carefully with your psychologist, and maybe with POWA or some similar group, how to make sure you are safe in the event of a breakup or simply a temper tantrum on his side.
The core of the matter is that financially he has wasted his resources and relied entirely on you as his provider, and, as you say, he has nowhere to go. The |number of big jobs coming up " may be mythical and face-saving claims.
Be afraid of his potential for violence, but don't be afraid of losing him - nothing about him, as you describe him, would be any genuine loss for any woman.
Take care

Reply to cybershrink

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