Our expert says:
You're apparently describing a home with no proper disciplinary system and in urgent need of one. There is absolutely no need to accept all this conflict and squabbling. When they squabble, BOTH are responsible, and you must not allow yourself to get drawn into adjudicating blame. Youre a mom, not a judge.
But you and your husband ( who MUST be involved ) must calmly draw up a set of basic rules for the house, with negative consequences for breaking the rules ( not corporal puinishment which doesn't work - like the nonse of saying : if you smack your sister again, I'll smack you !) and positive consequences for keeping to the rules.
Such rules should include basic requirements - no cruelty or fighting, no physical violence or name-calling ; sharing household chores ; behaving politely towards each other, parents and others when in public, and so on.
Of course they can be sweet at times - when it suits them. The trick is to make it suit them routinely.
Stop all that talking ; the rules and the consequences are not up for debate, nor are your decisions. If they can't sit calmly together in the back of the car, then they can't go shopping at all. Breaking the rules mean no TV, no cellphone, whatever they value, for a specific time, increased for each refraction.
New things they want - going to parties, buying things they want, whatever, should not arrive automatically, but need to be earned by good behaviour.
Curious, isn't it, that you say the fuss starts when you return home, apparently not earlier than that. So its as though they are competing for your attention. Remember the value as a reward of your pleasant attention, which should focus on praising and spending nice time with them WHEN they do something right, especially when they have spent a day peacefully.
And rather than giving negative attention ( for which they may also in a sense be competing ) for bad behaviour, give NO attention - separate them, to different rooms, and pay no further attention at all - no arguments, scolding beyond a simple reminder of what they have done wrong ).
Giving discipline is one of the most important ways of showing love to your children
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal
advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.