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Question
Posted by: W | 2009/10/28

Children of divorce: Pre-scholler &  Primary schollers

I left my husband in 2006 due to physical abuse. The last straw was when my elsdest child (then 5) witnessed him being physical and he still didn' t stop (I know, I know,,,I should have left earlier...ANYWAY). I have worked out a schedule where in they get to visit their dad every 2nd weekend. I also make sure I NEVER say anyhting negative aout their father even on days on which he lets them down by not fetching them (as they know the routine by now). They love their dad and the oldest (now 8) previously asks me when (at which age) can she go live with her dad. My younger one now 4 seems not to be bothered much. I think this is becasue he never got the opportunity to stay ith us as a family. My challange currently is that I am in a relationship. They get along with my partner but only know him as ' mommy' s friend'  and i have not disclosed to them that I' m in a relationship with him. The question is how do I then tell/explain to them that I' m in a relationship and agian how do i explain to them the sleeping arrangement, of which ideally I would like to instill the fact that sex is for marriage (He doesn' t spend the night when they are around) without alienating the kids as the older one still has hope that her dad and I will get back together. Do i need to take her to a child psychologist to help through this matter? It is a concern for me as she has a tendancy to hold things/emotions in and I try to encourage her to let it all out (especially when I see she wants to cry but is holding it in). I honestly don' t know how to handle these matter. I reassure them all the time that NO1 will ever take thier dad' s place and they can see hime whenever they one.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not uncommon for kids, especially at some ages, to hope that divorced parents will get back together again, just as some kids blame themselves and their naughtiness for the breakup.
What you are seking to communicate with your oldest is apparently fairly complex, and in part possibly contradicted by some of what quite reasonably as adults you may choose to do ; it is best accomplished not as a one-off revelation or discussion of a single issue, but as part of an ongoing, trustful, frank discussion of life issues in general, including relationships, differences between adult and child worlds, expectations, and so on. So whenever such life complexities are possible, let alone likely, I recommend that one starts ongoing conversations in a relaxed setting, exchanging iews with the child, so as to better understand each other.
Where time is limited and/or you feel unable to deal with these issues with confidence, the assistance of a child psychologist / counsellor can help

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/10/29

Its not uncommon for kids, especially at some ages, to hope that divorced parents will get back together again, just as some kids blame themselves and their naughtiness for the breakup.
What you are seking to communicate with your oldest is apparently fairly complex, and in part possibly contradicted by some of what quite reasonably as adults you may choose to do ; it is best accomplished not as a one-off revelation or discussion of a single issue, but as part of an ongoing, trustful, frank discussion of life issues in general, including relationships, differences between adult and child worlds, expectations, and so on. So whenever such life complexities are possible, let alone likely, I recommend that one starts ongoing conversations in a relaxed setting, exchanging iews with the child, so as to better understand each other.
Where time is limited and/or you feel unable to deal with these issues with confidence, the assistance of a child psychologist / counsellor can help

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