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Question
Posted by: Sad Gran | 2010/04/10

Children emigrating

Dear Dr I am a 58year old single mom. My husband left me when I was 42 after 20 years of marriage, I had been a stay at home mom as I had 3 boys in four years. I have a very close bond with my 3 boys. My eldest son lives at home with me, my middle son is married with a beautiful little girl and my youngest son recently moved away from home again after being inbetween jobs. This is not an issue for me as I know they have to move on and make a life of their own. My married son has not lived near me for a number of years and I see him maybe once a year. My little granddaughter I have seen 4 times in her little life of 20 months, My married son is about to emigrateto a country very far away in the northern hemisphere. I know it is best for him and his little family but why is the pain of separation so bad, as bad as my divorce I cannot stop crying, cannot greet anyone and just cry. Is this normal or am I just being a big baby. The more I think about it the painful it becomes. Life is so short and one never knows if we shall see each other again and I could hardly afford to visit them where they now live so I know I shall never be able to afford a ticket to visit them. I just do not know how to handle all these emotions and pain in the heart. Please could you comment and tell me if this is a normal reaction. Thank you kindly and God bless you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Sad Gran, a good old friend of mine, who studied grief, remarked that "Grief is the price we pay for love". Many people move away, or you lose contact with them, and they meant very little to you, and you don't feel sad. With anyone close, losing contact with them is troublesome ; especially where you have been very close, as with your raising these sons and bonding so closely with them. What you describe is a very normal reaction, and without it, one would wonder whether there had indeed ben love between you. But at least this is not separation by death, which is permanent. Visits will be possible, from them to you, if not practical from you to them ; and contact by phone, Skype ( see if they can install it for you and yourselves ) even video-calls, and e-mail, are newer possibilities far more helpful than in earlier days, when one had to wait weeks or months for letters to pass between you.
You will work through this, and can maintain a useful sense of closeness even when geographically separated. And try to fill the space, by getting involved in worthwhile charitable and similar work, so you can continue to find practical applications for all your love, and continue to be useful to others, which I expect has become a habit with you by now !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sad Gran | 2010/04/11

Thank you for your prompt reply your answer heiped a lot and made me think about all the new technology etc I will keep being involved with them and the other things I do Thankyou again I shall let you know how I am getting on God bless you

Reply to Sad Gran
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/10

Dear Sad Gran, a good old friend of mine, who studied grief, remarked that "Grief is the price we pay for love". Many people move away, or you lose contact with them, and they meant very little to you, and you don't feel sad. With anyone close, losing contact with them is troublesome ; especially where you have been very close, as with your raising these sons and bonding so closely with them. What you describe is a very normal reaction, and without it, one would wonder whether there had indeed ben love between you. But at least this is not separation by death, which is permanent. Visits will be possible, from them to you, if not practical from you to them ; and contact by phone, Skype ( see if they can install it for you and yourselves ) even video-calls, and e-mail, are newer possibilities far more helpful than in earlier days, when one had to wait weeks or months for letters to pass between you.
You will work through this, and can maintain a useful sense of closeness even when geographically separated. And try to fill the space, by getting involved in worthwhile charitable and similar work, so you can continue to find practical applications for all your love, and continue to be useful to others, which I expect has become a habit with you by now !

Reply to cybershrink

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