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Question
Posted by: Herman | 2010-02-24

Children and divorce

My wife and I have been seperated for 4 months now. I moved out of the house because it got unbearable. how do I go about restoring the situation between me and my children, two daughters, age 15 and 10. They are angry at me for leaving their mother. I accept the fact that they are angry, but I still stay their father and want to still be part of their lives. They don''t want to visit me, don''t want to answer my calls.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Hi Herman,
In order to best assist you I would need to know some more details about how the news of the breakup was broken to your children and what your present relationship with their mother is like. Do you suspect that their mother is feeding them her own anger towards you?...
But without this knowledge at this point it's important that you be very patient and consistent in showing them your unconditional love. Your daughters are old enough to understand what is going on but can also be confused by everything. They need reassurance. Lots of it. That they are not to blame, that what happens you and their mom has nothing to do with them and that, most importantly you will always be there for them, even if there are going certain changes in the way the family will live. Acknowledge their anger. Tell them you understand and that you love them and be patient. Do not force anything. It would be great if yourself and your wife could discuss the situation and if she could help the girls with their anger i.e confirm that they are not at fault and that you both want was is best for them. Establish a routine and let them know that you will call them on certain days/time as well as visit. Be there and if they refuse to talk and/or come leave a message that you love them and that you will be at the next appointment. They need to find out that you will be there for them and they are testing you. You could also write them a letter that will allow for you to express your feelings fully but nothing will be as beneficial than establishing a civil co-parenting relationship with their mother.
At the moment I am offering for free an online parenting class for divorcing parents as is mandated by the court in USA, You can check it out here: http://www.sadsa.net/site/index.php/online-co-parenting-class
You can contact me directly on info@sadsa.net

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