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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011-01-10

Children?

Hi doc. Don''t know if yr the correct person to ask this to. I''m 27 my husband is 41 now. We''ve been married 4 years. So he''s getting older, and he wants children. I also want children, but it''s more like a distant dream you know? Like, sure...I''d like to have kids ONE day. But the thought of having them right now scares me. I don''t feel like a mother-type of person. Also, I started studying this year, after I''ve wanted it ever since I left school, but never had the chance. So my days are so full now, and started learning to play the guitar, and I have big dreams for that one as well. I just feel sometimes, that at the moment, I''m not in a baby state of mind. All our friends are getting preagnant and what not, cos it''s the " natural"  progression of life right? But I don''t feel like having one now, but I feel too bad to tell my husband that. Also, I don''t like children very much, everybody says it will change once you have your own, but what if it doesn''t? And I''ll always regret it or whatever, and because I didn''t have a good childhood, I want things for my children that I never had, I don''t want them to ever feel like they ruined things or get blamed or whatever. I''ve stopped taking the pill December 2009, so now we''ve been trying for a year. I think deep down inside I keep wishing not to get preagnant now, which is not fair to hubby, he''s so exited. I dunno, do you think it would help to discuss it with a psycologist or someone?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Fortunately, there are less potential problems associated with an older father than with an older mother - sperm seem less vulnerable than ova, and there have been many distinguished me who father kids at an advanced age,
So its not the biological issues that are important here, but the psychological. And maybe it'd be useful for you to see a good local psychologist / counsellor to explore why you feel so scared of having children at what is a very good age for parenthood.
Sounds like for some reason you have postponed many other routine aspects of life satisfaction for some years, and are only getting into them now, when others would have done these earlier ( remember, this is not a criticism, just an observation ). A counselor could help you to examine your various priorities and make wise choices about them and the order in which to seek to achieve them.
Remember also that though he may remain effectively fertile for years to come, it's also relevant to him to be able to enjoy being a father while he is young enough to enjoy it, and to respect his wish not to force the kids to have a very old father.
I understand your viewpoint as to dreams - but have never before met a woman who says she i sacred to have children because she has just started to learn to play the guitar ! That can be a fine hobby to enjoy while parenting ; but do try to have realistic dreams ; you're not likely to become a Grammy winning guitar artist just yet, or to sacrifice such an outcome by having children.
YOu didn't have a good childhood, so maybe you fear being the sort of mother your own mom was ; instead, learning from your own less than ideal experience, you are likely to be much better as a parent.
The current situation sounds unfair to your husband and to yourself. Do indeed, see a psychologist to explore the many relevant and respectable issues your concerns raise.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2011-01-11

Hubby doesn''t have children, only the dogs. LOL
He loves kids so much, and I think he''d make a great father. Me on the other hand? I''m impatient, children irritate me often, and don''t want to beat a child half blind to get him/her to listen. That''s why it''s so difficult for me you know, it would be a sin for him not to have children. Maybe everyone''s right, maybe I should just go with the flow, and see what happens. I don''t have a lot of family, so support structure on my end a bit wobbly. But his family is great, even mom-in-law is a sweetheart. The problem with him though, is because he copes so well with life, and things in general, he''ll make you feel silly for feeling upset or bad about things. And a bit on the conservative side, so I''m affraid he''ll just think I''m an idiot for thinking and feeling the way I do. Also he starts to panic when I cry, he doesn''t know how to deal with emotional women issues. So, I''ll still think about the counseling thing.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Star | 2011-01-11

If you don''t want children now, it is your choice, but you need to not want then for the right reason and be reasonable in your marraige and towards your husband.

I have always wanted another child and husband didn''t, took us about 3 years of really talking, not really reaching a decision, and then finally it happened and guess what, I''m the nervous one and he is bursting from excitement. Who would have guessed.

You say you do want children, someday, and that you have been trying for a year already. If there is a problem wouldn''t it be better to try and sort it out now, who know, might take you 10 years to have a baby, just keep it in mind. Has he got other children?

Reply to Star
Posted by: Maria | 2011-01-10

I''ve thought about it a bit more. What you perhaps don''t realise is that kids don''t necessarily stop your life in it''s tracks. A great deal depends on your support structure - husband, parents, nanny, friends. What kind of dad will your husband be? This might be worth exploring in therapy.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anon | 2011-01-10

Thanks for the advice. Just 2 things though. I didn''t do all of these things earlier in life, cos I couldn''t. It just wasn''t possilbe. Believe me, if I could''ve , I would''ve.
And the guitar thing, this is the reason why I can''t tell people. Guitar and music in general means very much to me, much more that most people realise. And that''s why it''s such a problem for me. I''m constantly fighting in my head about all of these things, including the child thing. And my mom wasn''t the bad one, a bit uninvolved, but she was sweet, and now she''s dead. My farther on the other hand, are much cause for concern however.
I''ll have to talk to some body about this, it''s not fair for my husband and I love him so much, but it''s difficult for me.

Thanks for all the advice.
A.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Maria | 2011-01-10

I think the pair of you need to go to counselling and talk this through. You''ve got lots of time. My dad was 45 when my brother was born and my mom was 40, and he kept them young! At 27 I would say you can wait several years still. Please don''t have a baby because you feel pressurised, you will end up resenting her because you didn''t get the chance to follow your dreams. This " natural progression of life"  story is nonsense imo. We have an adopted daughter (long story) and people keep asking us when are we going to have bio kids. The answer is never, I don''t want a baby, I''m also studying and we have long term plans which are not very compatible with having another kid, so why should we?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Jordan | 2011-01-10

Is it not possible to have his eggs frozen and when you feel you are ready then take it from there. I don''t think it is wise to have children when you are not ready, but that''s just my perspective. And don''t worry, when they come you will be an excellent mommy. I personally can''t stand kids but absolutely adore my own 2 boys.

Reply to Jordan
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-01-10

Fortunately, there are less potential problems associated with an older father than with an older mother - sperm seem less vulnerable than ova, and there have been many distinguished me who father kids at an advanced age,
So its not the biological issues that are important here, but the psychological. And maybe it'd be useful for you to see a good local psychologist / counsellor to explore why you feel so scared of having children at what is a very good age for parenthood.
Sounds like for some reason you have postponed many other routine aspects of life satisfaction for some years, and are only getting into them now, when others would have done these earlier ( remember, this is not a criticism, just an observation ). A counselor could help you to examine your various priorities and make wise choices about them and the order in which to seek to achieve them.
Remember also that though he may remain effectively fertile for years to come, it's also relevant to him to be able to enjoy being a father while he is young enough to enjoy it, and to respect his wish not to force the kids to have a very old father.
I understand your viewpoint as to dreams - but have never before met a woman who says she i sacred to have children because she has just started to learn to play the guitar ! That can be a fine hobby to enjoy while parenting ; but do try to have realistic dreams ; you're not likely to become a Grammy winning guitar artist just yet, or to sacrifice such an outcome by having children.
YOu didn't have a good childhood, so maybe you fear being the sort of mother your own mom was ; instead, learning from your own less than ideal experience, you are likely to be much better as a parent.
The current situation sounds unfair to your husband and to yourself. Do indeed, see a psychologist to explore the many relevant and respectable issues your concerns raise.

Reply to cybershrink

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