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Question
Posted by: Mea | 2012/01/24

Child passed away a year ago

Hi doc,

Tomorrow would be a year since my baby passed away from kidney failure. I am feeling very emotional, very teary. I have tried being evry composed but I am finding it hard today. To make matters worse, one of my children has a birthday today. And I have not shown any sadness in front of my child as I don''t want to give the idea that my sadness is due to her in any way. It is a happy day for her.

Her dad is taking us out to dinner tonight. Right now I feel physically ill. I never ever feel like this. My head is throbbing &  I even feel feverish.

Doc I can''t imagine spending the rest of the day in the office. But I don''t want to be home as well. I just need to be somewhere by myself. Are my feelings justified? I am afraid to even call my husband &  tell him how I feel because he will tell me that I should just get on with life &  forget all of this.

I am feeling very alone right now.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maria's response is excellent. Of course it is normal and OK to feel as you do. Your husband has chosen a different way of trying to cope, one that often in the end doesn't work well, bu trying to forget and move on. It is possible, though, rather, to remember and yet move on, to remember with calm pleasure that the child was, rather than with bitter regret that they are no longer here.
Look abd check if there is within reach of you a branch of the organization The COmpassionate Friends, which consists of parents who have lost a child, at whatever age, who support and help each other. It was founded by someone I kn ew in the UK< and there are SA branches which I have in the past helped

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Mea | 2012/01/24

Thank you. I had a colleague say to me today that she thought I am fine now because it is a year and that is a long time. But she said she knows for me it still fees like yesterday. And I really appreciated that.

Reply to Mea
Posted by: Maria | 2012/01/24

(((HUGS))) Mea. Of course it''s ok to feel the way you do. Parents are not designed to deal with the death of our children, we expect them to outlive us. What a pity that your husband cannot grieve with you, but has an unhelpful attitude of just getting on with life. That is some people''s coping mechanism, but it doesn''t have to be yours. If you can, take the day off. Is there a friend or family member who would be willing to just sit with you, or go for a walk with you, whatever you feel you need? Be kind to yourself, it''s ok to take the time to do whatever you feel might be helpful. Write a letter to your baby, or go and walk around a garden and talk to her out loud if you want to. We all heal in different ways and different times. You don''t say how old the child with the birthday is today. It''s ok to tell her you are sad because of her sibling who died, but also happy for her that she has a birthday. One can feel more than one emotion at a time. Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/01/24

Maria's response is excellent. Of course it is normal and OK to feel as you do. Your husband has chosen a different way of trying to cope, one that often in the end doesn't work well, bu trying to forget and move on. It is possible, though, rather, to remember and yet move on, to remember with calm pleasure that the child was, rather than with bitter regret that they are no longer here.
Look abd check if there is within reach of you a branch of the organization The COmpassionate Friends, which consists of parents who have lost a child, at whatever age, who support and help each other. It was founded by someone I kn ew in the UK< and there are SA branches which I have in the past helped

Reply to cybershrink

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