Posted by: Jol | 2009-05-22

child feels i am an embarresment

This morning i took my 8 year old daughter to school. I stopped off at the shop and bought her some treats for school. when we got to the school i climbed out the car to walk her to her class. as we walked she told me i embarress her. i felt so shocked i did not know what to say. i wanted to kiss her good bye, but she turned her head away, so i left. i really feel so heartsore about this incident. I want to talk to her, but how do i address this issue, as i never felt this way about my parents when i was youger, i actually wished they would show a bit more interest in me when i was at school. I try to be invoved with her and her school, but after this comment i feel i should just back off.

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Our expert says:
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I'm also sure that, though obviously this FEELS very personal and hurtful, it was meant as neither. Excellent responses all round, from Kelly, C and Anonymous. This happens with all kids at some time, maybe a bit more with boys, and is indeed part of the growing up stage of separating yourself and your public identity from your parents. Its no problem at all and then suddenly, maybe after hearing a school-mate comment about some OTHER child and her parents, and suddenly parents, especially when showing affection, become deeply embarrassing to the child, and Un-Cool. Try not to take it to heart, and think of C's excellent example. Talk calmly with her about how the idea that you might embarrass her felt hurtful for you, and you'd like to understand it. Talk about WHAT behaviour or situations make her feel embarrassed, and negotiate a settlement as C did. All the kisses you want at home or in the car, but NONE potentially within site of her class-mates, for instance. It's not what you do that matters to her, nor even how she feels about it, but her fears of what the other kids will think and say about it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-22

You did the same as a kid at some time or another. This is the age where they need to look like they on their own 2 feet. Give her some space and know that she WILL be teased by her classmates for you doing something as normal as hugging or kissing her goodbye. Its not her fault. its theirs.

My 5 year old son refuses to kiss me goodbye at school too. At home, I get my goodnight kiss still, so that makes up for it.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-05-22

Yip I think you should ask her, make sure she knows she can tell you things, like I remember my little sister doing.
I used to laugh at the things I heard come from that once little girl and felt so sorry for them too but at least she knew she could open up to them.

Today she is in high school and what upsets her is my dad dropping her off right in front of the school gates!
This on the other hand used to get to me too, so much so!
So I explained to him that anything at all embarrasses kids today.
The dropping right in front of the school gate even though good intentions from him is a bit too much for a teenager (except for when it rains she says)
I kind of understand because I remember those days.
So... just remember it only gets worse so rather try to get the communication going now so that you both are clear and set boundaries perhaps like ' C'  has

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-22

i think you should ask her what / why you embarress her. kids are wierd little creatures but they have insights into life too. find out what it is and then go from there. i guess this is just the begining of the separation process so i suggest you learn to be open and things will go much better as the years progress. i know it feels sore right now but open communication leads to open kids.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: C | 2009-05-22

Don' t worry, this is unfortunately normal behaviour, but I agree that, with girls, it usually starts at a later age. You don' t want to know how embarrassed they get when they reach 14. Another example, I am no longer allowed to kiss my 6 year old son at school and we made a deal that I could kiss him as much as I want in the car and then take him to class. I think, however that you should tell her how hurt you feel about the remark.

Reply to C
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-05-22

Don' t worry!
I think it' s kinda normal as kids today have rather different thoughts as to then.My sister was a bit older though when she acted this way towards my parents.
She' s young though and dsnt know any beter, will only realize when she is older.
Everyone goes through this stage but more when you reach higher grades then this whole parent thing is not cool at all.
I' m sure it was nothing personal on your side.
Kids get all sorts of weird thoughts and pick up these things from there friends too.

On how to deal with it though, lets hear what CS has to say.
She does however sound like she is keeping her too big for her boots lol!

Reply to Kelly

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