Posted by: philna | 2009-07-24

Child born out of an affair

My husband had an affair 2 years into our marriage with his work colleague, I found out and forgave him.
4 years into our marriage he had another affair with someone known to the family . We worked through that and I asked him to disclose any information he feels is relevant to assist me with the healing process. He did ! But he conveniently left a piece of crucial information that the woman he had an affair with is pregnant . she is probably due in 2 months time. The worst part of this is that all my inlaws knew about the affair and the pregnancy and they hid it from me. They have contact with this other woman. I feel cheated, I cannot trust anyone. When I confronted my in laws about this their excuse was he just desperate y wanted to have another child which I was not prepared to bear as I am building up my career which lagged behind when I had our 2nd child. I hate them ! I hate all of them but strange enough I still love my husband. However I feel that love is not worth it . I am trully contemplating divorce. I am seeing a shrink and I just sit there and cry and vent and I think my shrink is probably tired of my emotions and lots of babbling,I am trully depressed, I cry all the time , I lost interest in most things, I cant sleep, I am an emotianal wreck who is pre-occupied with death. Is this a normal way to deal with this ? I know in my heart of hearts that i will never be able to acept that child as s/he has caused me too much heartache. At the other time I know he is an innocent soul who did not chose to be born and cannot suffer for the parents actions . I dont want to be part of this , I know I cant love the child he will always be a reminder of what I went thru and I truly dont want to hate the child. I have children as well and I feel for the child. I just want to run away far far away where I cannot be part of this . I thought of leaving the country and start a new life somewhere

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

That was an enormous omission, and obiously grossly unfair to you. And his in-laws behaved wrongly, too. And to claim a man was so desperate to have a second child that this somehow excuses infidelity, is a pile of hogwash. Enough to wash a whole load of hogs.
But draw the right conclusions --- it is not true that LOVe is not worth it, but that maybe loving a repeated lying cheater is not worth it. It is HIM who has done wrong, not you, nor love. Your depression can be helled, with CBT counselling and perhaps medication. DO see a shrink and get the help you deserve.
And the CHILD has caused you no pain at all --- the child's selfish and foolish father has done so, and has ben unfair to the child as well as to you. You don't have to love the child, only to not hate it. Leaving the country is an understandable impulse, but not a good idea --- your hurt will be the first thing you pack and the first thing you unpack, wherever you go, and you would be separaetd from all potntial support systems.
Mak no more excuses for his cheating, consult a lawyer and make sure a court orders him to pay full maintenance.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Victorious | 2009-07-27

Time heals all wounds. It may not seem like it now, but in time, the pain will subside and u will probably look back at this experience someday and laugh. Tell urself that this may be a blessing in disguise, u may not know what the blessing is but im sure someday u will figure it out. Have faith. Ka sesotho ba re"  se se sa feleng se a hlola!"  Do continue seeing ur shrink and there' s absolutely nothing wrong with crying ro venting, it does help to cry sometimes. Just take it one day at a time. If u feel u can no longer forgive him as he is a repeated/serial cheat, then by allp means go ahead and divorce him. He does not deserve u

Reply to Victorious
Posted by: Anon | 2009-07-24

A baby from an affair is not a good reason to run away or die. Just get the divorce and stop forgiving your husband for his cheating.

Reply to Anon

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