Our expert says:
He's a "wonderful guy" who for many years has been wonderful and provided so well for you. But he has apparently never shown an interest in sex nor readiness to acknowledge and talk about, sexual problems which he apparently has. In many ways you seem to lead parallel lives, and have always done so. But apart from admitably developin your own life in work and in other ways, this seems to have been a friendship rather than a marriage. Maybe all he was capable of, or all he wanted, but neglectful of your own needs and wants.
And now you have again met an old friend and begun an affair which suggests you could have, with him, the more fully satisfying relationship you have always wanted. Understandably, while there is still time to enjoy it, you wish to divorce your husband and start again.
And your doubt seems to be about how to tell him ?
Often, I find, problems are created by assuming that the issue is one of a one-time decalaration of "telling" as an announcement, rather than a more gradual "talking about" discussion, to calmly discuss the issues. YOu can describe how much you respect him as a rally good friend, but mention how sad you have found the parallel streaming of your lives, the lack of sexual intimacy, and so on. You could say that while you still have time to form a new and more deeply satisfying relationship, you have, after long thought, decided that you would like a divorce, and if possible, to part as friends. That it seems to you that what he apparently enjoys in life would not be disturbed by such a parting, and that you have no wish to hurt his feelings, but feel this move is now imperative for you.
Maybe consult a lawyer first, so as to be sure of how you would proceed towards a divorce. Your husband may be reluctant to accept the idea, and I don't know if the religious factors could play a part ; but he would need to face the fact that matters he would not wish to be discussed in public, about the lack of sexual content to the marriage, etc., would be aired if he fought such an application to court.
Emphasize that what you have long been wishing for in marriage is the usual and reasonable expectation of any spouse, rather than emphasizing that you have found an old lover.
I understand Just Saying's concerns, but don't understand how it can be considered "standing up for his beliefs" for a many to deny his wife a normal and satisfying sex life for so many years, and to refuse to even discuss it. JS, its not, as you sarcastically put it, that this guy doesn't believe in sleeping with anyone else's wife - he doesn't even believe in sleeping with his OWN wife. There are limits on how much one can expect a spouse to sacrifice in the face of the partner's inability to have a sexually and emotionally warm relationship.
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