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Question
Posted by: Nuwedam | 2011/08/13

Cheating-cause and question

Cheating-cause and question
- At the age of 57 I now want to quit my marriage.
- I am married for 36 years to a wonderful guy providing all thinkable needs that money can buy.
- We never had children due to a medical problem with him. I have accepted it after a few attempts were unsuccessful to adopt a child.
- Our religion was from the start a major problem. We belong to different churches and neither of us are willing to change. My parents were against the marriage and a minister refused to marry us predicting that this difference will eventually cause major problems in the marriage.
- I got married at the age of 21 and he was 24.
- Except for 9 months during the marriage I worked for my entire adult life.
- When I stayed at home I was the gardener, house keeper and I was always busy.
- I thankfully went back to my job and until today I love it. It gives me a reason to live for and to be between other people.
- Due to my husband’ s business we have many friends and we are always entertaining people.
- We never did and will Never Never Never discuss anything about sex or a desire or a fantasy. That topic was taboo from the start of our marriage.
- We very seldom make love (if once a year) and it was like that for my entire marriage.
- We share a bedroom and sleep in the same bed, but we are not together. We use different bathrooms.
- We are the best mates you can find with no fights between us.
- He is very much involved with his hobby –  playing in a band and I only go with not to stay alone at home.
- He often goes out in the evenings to see clients.
- I am very much involved with church activities due to the way I was brought up.
- I am financially independent and do not need his money for survival.
My Problem:
- I do not want to go on with a life because we are not really together.(never were)
- I have always been in touch with my boyfriend of 37 years ago although we never interfered in each other’ s lives.
- He is single after a long marriage that never worked out.
- We met again at a dance where I was sitting with strangers hoping for the evening to go by.
- He phoned me and we went together to church.
- Now we are seeing each other every day and it is as if the 37 years were just wiped out. He is still the same and also successful in life and he has his own income and assets.
- This relationship went “ to far”  although it never happened when we were young. I now want to share my life with him. Not only is he a good lover but he makes me feel worthy and being special. He is a gentleman being a human-being with flaws.
- He is not a pushover and stands up for his beliefs.
- I feel I wasted 35 years of my life and the life of a good provider. That makes me feel guilty.

My Question:
- How do I handle this situation?
- How do I tell my husband that I want to go on with my life without him. Should it be in writing?
- How do I tell my husband that I am willing to part with all my assets should that make him feel better.
- How do I tell my husband that I found my old love again and that he offers me what I was always looking for?

Thanks for being willing to listen.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He's a "wonderful guy" who for many years has been wonderful and provided so well for you. But he has apparently never shown an interest in sex nor readiness to acknowledge and talk about, sexual problems which he apparently has. In many ways you seem to lead parallel lives, and have always done so. But apart from admitably developin your own life in work and in other ways, this seems to have been a friendship rather than a marriage. Maybe all he was capable of, or all he wanted, but neglectful of your own needs and wants.
And now you have again met an old friend and begun an affair which suggests you could have, with him, the more fully satisfying relationship you have always wanted. Understandably, while there is still time to enjoy it, you wish to divorce your husband and start again.
And your doubt seems to be about how to tell him ?
Often, I find, problems are created by assuming that the issue is one of a one-time decalaration of "telling" as an announcement, rather than a more gradual "talking about" discussion, to calmly discuss the issues. YOu can describe how much you respect him as a rally good friend, but mention how sad you have found the parallel streaming of your lives, the lack of sexual intimacy, and so on. You could say that while you still have time to form a new and more deeply satisfying relationship, you have, after long thought, decided that you would like a divorce, and if possible, to part as friends. That it seems to you that what he apparently enjoys in life would not be disturbed by such a parting, and that you have no wish to hurt his feelings, but feel this move is now imperative for you.
Maybe consult a lawyer first, so as to be sure of how you would proceed towards a divorce. Your husband may be reluctant to accept the idea, and I don't know if the religious factors could play a part ; but he would need to face the fact that matters he would not wish to be discussed in public, about the lack of sexual content to the marriage, etc., would be aired if he fought such an application to court.
Emphasize that what you have long been wishing for in marriage is the usual and reasonable expectation of any spouse, rather than emphasizing that you have found an old lover.
I understand Just Saying's concerns, but don't understand how it can be considered "standing up for his beliefs" for a many to deny his wife a normal and satisfying sex life for so many years, and to refuse to even discuss it. JS, its not, as you sarcastically put it, that this guy doesn't believe in sleeping with anyone else's wife - he doesn't even believe in sleeping with his OWN wife. There are limits on how much one can expect a spouse to sacrifice in the face of the partner's inability to have a sexually and emotionally warm relationship.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

13
Our users say:
Posted by: nuwedam | 2011/08/26

Thanks Caro. At least the expert and we understand that life is not just about sex but a package which includes everything. You right, my now ex husband would not even look at the comments of other people nor would he be interested to tell his side of the story. Why? He was happy with I being like a sister and not a wife with my own needs. Nuwedam

Reply to nuwedam
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/17

By the way - my husband (and probably Nuwedam''s as well) would not tell their side of the story because it does not seem to be an issue for them. The people who write to this forum are those who woll admit that there is a problem and ask for help or advice. My husband wouldnt because he is happy with the status quo or is not ready to admit that there si something to be worked on.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/17

Oh well. Nuwedam sounds like me a few years down the line. I cannot believe that someone is in the same situation as I am. I have tried to be the good person as others describe and try to understand why it seems so easy for others to judge. I too believe in the goodness of others and wanting to do no harm. Sex is certainly not the most important thing in my llife but to expect a healthy woman or man to live without it for so long. We have tried but as humans we are also sexual beings - nothing like the others animals in the kingdom - but when you are all conversed, read and studied out, there is still that side to some of us at least. Sexual attraction is an innate thing. I have not succoumbed to every prospective man who wanted to sleep with me and I''m sure Nuwedam neither but there comes a time when a partner sitting in the chair reading the paper is just not enough.
I am sorry for those of you who have been hurt by your partners wanton ways but can you understand the difference here? I resisited the same person for 10 years but 12 years sharing a bed with someone who is not interested in sex no matter what you''ve tried also breaks ones spirit.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: JH | 2011/08/16

Hi Caro - yes please

Reply to JH
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/16

Need I add my comment?

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Truth | 2011/08/15

l would also like to hear the husbands side.
What ever way you look at it the wife is having an extramarital affair!For 36 years she has been having sex once a year but only chooses to terminate the marriage when she meets someone else?
Now she wants to run off with a man who thinks it is okay to sleep with a married woman - doesnt sound like a great catch to me.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Romany | 2011/08/15

I realy would love to hear the other side " of this story." Sadly the husband, the "  wonderful guy providing all thinkable needs that money can buy"  wil not get the opportunity to comment.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Just Saying | 2011/08/13

Of course believers have sex. But usually their religion teaches them not to do so with members of the congregation that are married!
Non believers usually also figure out sleeping with other mens wives be a bad idea too.

What was stopping Newdam from exiting her marriage due to neglect before commiting adultery?

She may well be in love - l just hope lust is not clouding her decisions.

Reply to Just Saying
Posted by: just hearing | 2011/08/13

Just saying clearly does not understand what love is about. I wonder whether you can possibly identify with this woman being neclected for so many years. It is easy to judge from a distance. Ever heard of sinners? Is sex only for non-believers?
Just asking and hope that just saying is also a human being with emotions.

Reply to just hearing
Posted by: Just Saying | 2011/08/13

l was not commenting on her husbands beliefs but those of her new mans!
She stated that he has strong beliefs and was questioning how he could have an affair with someone elses wife?

Reply to Just Saying
Posted by: Just Saying! | 2011/08/13

Amazing behaviour for 2 church goers!

Glad to hear he stands up for his beliefs, does he belive its okay 2 sleep with someone elses wife?

Reply to Just Saying!
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/13

He's a "wonderful guy" who for many years has been wonderful and provided so well for you. But he has apparently never shown an interest in sex nor readiness to acknowledge and talk about, sexual problems which he apparently has. In many ways you seem to lead parallel lives, and have always done so. But apart from admitably developin your own life in work and in other ways, this seems to have been a friendship rather than a marriage. Maybe all he was capable of, or all he wanted, but neglectful of your own needs and wants.
And now you have again met an old friend and begun an affair which suggests you could have, with him, the more fully satisfying relationship you have always wanted. Understandably, while there is still time to enjoy it, you wish to divorce your husband and start again.
And your doubt seems to be about how to tell him ?
Often, I find, problems are created by assuming that the issue is one of a one-time decalaration of "telling" as an announcement, rather than a more gradual "talking about" discussion, to calmly discuss the issues. YOu can describe how much you respect him as a rally good friend, but mention how sad you have found the parallel streaming of your lives, the lack of sexual intimacy, and so on. You could say that while you still have time to form a new and more deeply satisfying relationship, you have, after long thought, decided that you would like a divorce, and if possible, to part as friends. That it seems to you that what he apparently enjoys in life would not be disturbed by such a parting, and that you have no wish to hurt his feelings, but feel this move is now imperative for you.
Maybe consult a lawyer first, so as to be sure of how you would proceed towards a divorce. Your husband may be reluctant to accept the idea, and I don't know if the religious factors could play a part ; but he would need to face the fact that matters he would not wish to be discussed in public, about the lack of sexual content to the marriage, etc., would be aired if he fought such an application to court.
Emphasize that what you have long been wishing for in marriage is the usual and reasonable expectation of any spouse, rather than emphasizing that you have found an old lover.
I understand Just Saying's concerns, but don't understand how it can be considered "standing up for his beliefs" for a many to deny his wife a normal and satisfying sex life for so many years, and to refuse to even discuss it. JS, its not, as you sarcastically put it, that this guy doesn't believe in sleeping with anyone else's wife - he doesn't even believe in sleeping with his OWN wife. There are limits on how much one can expect a spouse to sacrifice in the face of the partner's inability to have a sexually and emotionally warm relationship.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/13

He's a "wonderful guy" who for many years has been wonderful and provided so well for you. But he has apparently never shown an interest in sex nor readiness to acknowledge and talk about, sexual problems which he apparently has. In many ways you seem to lead parallel lives, and have always done so. But apart from admitably developin your own life in work and in other ways, this seems to have been a friendship rather than a marriage. Maybe all he was capable of, or all he wanted, but neglectful of your own needs and wants.
And now you have again met an old friend and begun an affair which suggests you could have, with him, the more fully satisfying relationship you have always wanted. Understandably, while there is still time to enjoy it, you wish to divorce your husband and start again.
And your doubt seems to be about how to tell him ?
Often, I find, problems are created by assuming that the issue is one of a one-time decalaration of "telling" as an announcement, rather than a more gradual "talking about" discussion, to calmly discuss the issues. YOu can describe how much you respect him as a rally good friend, but mention how sad you have found the parallel streaming of your lives, the lack of sexual intimacy, and so on. You could say that while you still have time to form a new and more deeply satisfying relationship, you have, after long thought, decided that you would like a divorce, and if possible, to part as friends. That it seems to you that what he apparently enjoys in life would not be disturbed by such a parting, and that you have no wish to hurt his feelings, but feel this move is now imperative for you.
Maybe consult a lawyer first, so as to be sure of how you would proceed towards a divorce. Your husband may be reluctant to accept the idea, and I don't know if the religious factors could play a part ; but he would need to face the fact that matters he would not wish to be discussed in public, about the lack of sexual content to the marriage, etc., would be aired if he fought such an application to court.
Emphasize that what you have long been wishing for in marriage is the usual and reasonable expectation of any spouse, rather than emphasizing that you have found an old lover.
I understand Just Saying's concerns, but don't understand how it can be considered "standing up for his beliefs" for a many to deny his wife a normal and satisfying sex life for so many years, and to refuse to even discuss it. JS, its not, as you sarcastically put it, that this guy doesn't believe in sleeping with anyone else's wife - he doesn't even believe in sleeping with his OWN wife. There are limits on how much one can expect a spouse to sacrifice in the face of the partner's inability to have a sexually and emotionally warm relationship.

Reply to cybershrink

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