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Question
Posted by: Marie | 2012/01/19

Cheating &  divorce

I just found out that my father is cheating on my mother and now she wants a divorce. I am 24 years old and it really hurts, it feels like he cheated on me as well and on his family. I keep asking why but never get an answer. I tried to convide in my husband but he didn''t even ask if I am okay...How does one deal with this? No support from husband!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

"WHY" is a very natural and yet remarkably unhelpful question, to which one rarely gets any useful answer, and which he could probably not answer if he really tried to do so. Focus on supporting your mother. And don't expect support from your husband - because even if he loves you, men feel especially awkward in dealing with emotional and socially embarrassing issues
Maybe your mom would benefit from some personal counselling to help her work out what's best for her ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gail | 2012/01/23

Some really good advice here. Adult kids of divorce are as vulnerable as teens and tweens. My suggestion would be to seek counselling for yourself first to learn how to deal with this. There are churches which counsel as well as trained trauma counsellors.
Phone a hospital and ask for someone who can help you deal with trauma. I did this last year after someone whom I had only known 7 weeks dropped dead at my feet in my house. Don''t try and deal with this alone. Ultimately only you can change how you feel and deal with your parents and the effect it could but doesn''t have to have on your marriage. Be supportive to yhour Mom by visiting her often but to have normal mother daughter time not for her to turn to you as a counsellor for her issues. Be available to both of them - after many years of marriage be grateful that your Dad was there with your Mom until this point and realise that he may have been unhappy for a long time but stayed because of you. Your Mom and Dad''s marriage may have been a facade for longer than you realise but you don''t need to deal with that. You have to handle your demons first so that this doesn''t affect your marriage. You did not marry your father so don''t drag your husband through your anguish. Help yourself first and at the same time treat your life as the most important by not passing bad things forward and making assumptions or new rules etc for your husband. Hope this helps. Strange as it sounds this is a trauma which can make you wiser and stronger and more loved or it can go the other way. Heal yourself first as selfish as that may sound and avoid blaming one or the other parent.

Reply to Gail
Posted by: Team | 2012/01/23

I feel for your mother most knowing what she is going through. Please organise a couselling for her. She should also not rush to seek divorce proceedings. She needs to talk to her husband and find out what exactly went wrong between them. Both of them need your support in their situation. Play a neutrual role to try and bring them to a rund table to resolve the issue before thinking of divorce.

Reply to Team
Posted by: Sympathy | 2012/01/23

I feel for you girl but be strong and especially for your mother. Try to organise a counselling for your parents and even yourself becaues this is strainuous for you and it will affect your marriage if you dont get help. Talk to your father as well, ask him what went wrong and try to be neutral, and lastly try to convince your mother not to quickly go for divorce, they really need to seat and talk and they need professional and family help. I hope everything workout for your parents, dont forget to put your trust to our living God.

Reply to Sympathy
Posted by: Bron | 2012/01/20

This is really terrible for the whole family, worse for your mom. Show her that you support her no matter what. Unfortunately, there is nothing one can do about these things as it happens to many families. Your parents have to resolve this between themselves, and if your mother feels she is no longer able to continue the marriage (as your dad has broken her trust and faith in him) then support her.
Your father has been dishonest and unfaithful, I say that gives her the right to reconsider wanting to spend her life with a cheater.

Reply to Bron
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/01/20

"WHY" is a very natural and yet remarkably unhelpful question, to which one rarely gets any useful answer, and which he could probably not answer if he really tried to do so. Focus on supporting your mother. And don't expect support from your husband - because even if he loves you, men feel especially awkward in dealing with emotional and socially embarrassing issues
Maybe your mom would benefit from some personal counselling to help her work out what's best for her ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/01/19

Perhaps you should concentrate on supporting your mother rather than looking for support for yourself first?

However hurt you feel it is nothing compared to the pain she is feeling!

Reply to Obvious

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