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Question
Posted by: heartbroke | 2011/08/07

cheating

I am back again here, a year ago i explained what has happend to me, just a rough scketch married 35 years, 2004 found out about my husbands affair he lied to me told me just normal conversations, i found out the truth in 2005that they were meeting i trusted him again, last year 1st August found out about his affair he had last year with his ex that he was engaged to before we were married, at that stage he convncecd me it was oly telephone. I kept up and stayed with him and tried to get my convidence and trust back,just yesterday I found out that he has still beeing lying to me that he had a physical relation with his ex before 2oo3 which I did not know.I have asked him a million timess to tell me everything and the truth each time he would say this is it and no more lies.I love him and the marriage is a holy sacroment. give me advise as tyo how to make him realized it is important to tell the truth and what should I do to make him come to his sence. PLEASE

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

After any first serious breach of trust, trust needs to be earned again, not merely given as a gift. He seems to have been awfully skilled at convincing you of differing attempts to explain away his contacts with her - but even if they were "just" chatting or telephonic, done secretly, they were still a variety of cheating, and someothing he should not have done, obviously knowing how much it would upset you.
Isn't it utterly obvious that : he intends to continue this physical and emotional relationship with her, permanently, and to lie to you about it ? That to him marriage is NOT any holy sacrament ? That he will ALWAYS lie about this ?
Neither you nor anyone else, however skilled, will persuade him to see the error of his ways and to become honest and trustworthy and faithful.
Look after youself. See a counsellor and a lawyer, and face the facts, however unpleasant they may be

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jenni | 2011/08/08

Heartbroke, you don''t want to punish him, very noble of you, but you are going to have to in order for him to realize the seriousness of the situation. People like him have to be treated like children, frankly. If a child keeps doing the same naughty thing and you don''t punish them, what are they doing to do? The same thing. You have to give him an ultimatum and stick to it. He doesn''t take you seriously- he''s taking you for a joke. Show him that he will rue the day he messed with you- stop being nice and start getting mean. He doesn''t care about you- don''t offer him the same curtesy.

Reply to Jenni
Posted by: Romany | 2011/08/08

Ask him to remove himself from the house. He can go and live with his " ex" .
You have endured enough now. It is time for you to live a peacefull, relaxed life.
You can do this. You do not need him.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Googler | 2011/08/08

I am afraid not. You do not want to punish him but he has been doing that to you for many years?
He knows now that he can do what ever the hell he wants and you will moan and nag a bit....but forgive him again after a short while.
So, the only way is to leave him, let him go.... if he comes back to you it is on your terms, if he does not, well then you will realise you were used and played all these years.
To him you are the equivalent of a " carer"  and maybe even a " maid"  Someone to iron, cook, clean, listen, whatever....
So, he will NOT change. Move on you DESERVE to be happy and not lied to.
I cannot believe your children even sided with him !!!

Reply to Googler
Posted by: heartbroke | 2011/08/08

I do not want to punish him is there any way a person can make some one realized that he should stop lying, stop having affairs. I have tried everything peading to him to tell the truth, begging him,gone to counselorrs,Is there a way that something can happen to him taht will bring him to his senses

Reply to heartbroke
Posted by: Googler | 2011/08/08

Hi Heartbroke.
I found out last year that my husband was doing the same. I went away for a month and decided during that time that I will give him another chance. I feel the same as you about the marraige etc. It was hard hard hard... as you will know..... People judge you and think you are stupid to take him back.
Over the past year I have NOT learned to trust him and I probably never will, however, he has tried and we take it day by day.
I have made a decision which I speak to my God about often. If it happens again, he is out of my life and I will stick to that.
I will move, change my cell number and make a life for myself without him.
I deserve to be happy, I am a good wife and do not deserve to be cheated on. I gave him a chance and I am glad I did. Now..... the ball is in his court.
Good luck, my heart bleeds for you...

Reply to Googler
Posted by: heartbroke | 2011/08/07

We were at a counsellor and I fond out he was lying even my 2 grown up kids knows about this.Is there a way I can make him come to his senses so that he realizes that he should for once tell the truth instead of keeping it back, as they say the truth always comes out.Why does it hurt that much.

Reply to heartbroke
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/07

After any first serious breach of trust, trust needs to be earned again, not merely given as a gift. He seems to have been awfully skilled at convincing you of differing attempts to explain away his contacts with her - but even if they were "just" chatting or telephonic, done secretly, they were still a variety of cheating, and someothing he should not have done, obviously knowing how much it would upset you.
Isn't it utterly obvious that : he intends to continue this physical and emotional relationship with her, permanently, and to lie to you about it ? That to him marriage is NOT any holy sacrament ? That he will ALWAYS lie about this ?
Neither you nor anyone else, however skilled, will persuade him to see the error of his ways and to become honest and trustworthy and faithful.
Look after youself. See a counsellor and a lawyer, and face the facts, however unpleasant they may be

Reply to cybershrink

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