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Question
Posted by: Isobel | 2010/08/20

Cheating

I have been married for a number of years. I have children with my husband and I do love him but I have not been in love with him for many years. Recently I made contact with a colleague and we have met for drinks twice and we regularily have phone sex and text sex it is all very erotic. We have not yet though had sex or any other form of sexual contact. I wuld like to know, statistically what are the chances of this ever developing further, is this something that alot of men/women go through that eventually just passes. This boost of course has done wonders for my sex life in my marriage and my husband is oblivious to all this, I have started to lose weight and really feel looked at and admired by other men, this obviously is also a boost for me. Can u help?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

This experience is more common than we like to think and it can cause huge damage to relationships when it is discovered. It's not necessarily down to stats as to whether it develops further or whether it passes, it's down to you! This can lead to a face-to-face sexual affair, but you need to be aware that what has already taken place may considered to be a betrayal by your husband and children. The question is just about whether they find our or not.

It is often the case that the exciting chemistry that was present early in the relationship dies down...this often leaves the person with a strong feeling of love and attachment but the feeling of being 'in love' may not often be present. This returns when there is a new love interest, but this also contradicts the rules that we set for ourselves in relation to fidelity. It can be intoxicating and so you need to be wary of it as it can lead to behaviour that you may deeply regret later.

My advice to you is to use this new found boost and direct it towards your relationship with your husband and perhaps think through with him what you can do to ensure that the spark is repeatedly re-lit. Looking after yourself physically and making an effort is part of that effort. I encourage you to continue to be aware that you are attractive to others, and this is most likely true for your husband too (that others might find him attractive) - even though you may not see it due to the familiarity that is common in a committed relationship. This awareness can provide enough tension to allow the sexual energy to rise between the two of you again. The presence of a third party, however, will interfere with this so I also encourage you to stop contact with your colleague and work on your feelings for your husband.

Claire - SASHA

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Isobel | 2010/08/25

''done that'' i will not feel regret. I have been accused of cheating before and never done it ever, remorse is not in the equasion I will live with the guilt if it comes. Its not the ideal situation for the other guy he would like to see me whenever he likes but cant but he understands that. I dont find my husband arousing anymore no matter how hard I try. Fantasy is the only way I get through our sessions. And for anyone out there wanting to comment on it. I dont fantasize about the other guy at all.

Reply to Isobel
Posted by: done that | 2010/08/24

Isobel we can call u names as much as we want and until we feel the same way they will never understand.i''ve been there and not proud to talk abt it but Yes I''ve cheated on my husband and i will never do it again.

it started the same way u expalined and before i knew it the damage was done and what was left was regrets and IFS.U are lucky to have ppl who can can u a bitch so that you can feel bad and stop it before it goes further.communication is the best weapon in marriage and u need to practise that.tell your husband how you feel.flirt with him,make love in different places or mabe u can join some pole dancing to boost yourself and feel sexy.

good luck

Reply to done that
Posted by: anan007 | 2010/08/23

hi Isobel

I know what you mean i support you ...from a guys point of view

Reply to anan007
Posted by: Sexologist | 2010/08/21

This experience is more common than we like to think and it can cause huge damage to relationships when it is discovered. It's not necessarily down to stats as to whether it develops further or whether it passes, it's down to you! This can lead to a face-to-face sexual affair, but you need to be aware that what has already taken place may considered to be a betrayal by your husband and children. The question is just about whether they find our or not.

It is often the case that the exciting chemistry that was present early in the relationship dies down...this often leaves the person with a strong feeling of love and attachment but the feeling of being 'in love' may not often be present. This returns when there is a new love interest, but this also contradicts the rules that we set for ourselves in relation to fidelity. It can be intoxicating and so you need to be wary of it as it can lead to behaviour that you may deeply regret later.

My advice to you is to use this new found boost and direct it towards your relationship with your husband and perhaps think through with him what you can do to ensure that the spark is repeatedly re-lit. Looking after yourself physically and making an effort is part of that effort. I encourage you to continue to be aware that you are attractive to others, and this is most likely true for your husband too (that others might find him attractive) - even though you may not see it due to the familiarity that is common in a committed relationship. This awareness can provide enough tension to allow the sexual energy to rise between the two of you again. The presence of a third party, however, will interfere with this so I also encourage you to stop contact with your colleague and work on your feelings for your husband.

Claire - SASHA

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: Isobel | 2010/08/20

Do any of you know what it is like to be in a loveless marriage. My husband loves me deeply I know that but there is no reciprocation on my end. I try and be the good wife and do everything I am supposed to but I have been taken advantage of so many times with regards to always having to be there for him and the kids. Its harder now because we moved to a different country. I know he would be devastated and probably would never forgive me and no I am not looking for a relationship I think I just want the chase and change of routine that is not there anymore. Homer I am not a whore I have never ever cheated on my husband in 15 years but eventually everything just becomes too much and I need an outlet. None of you may see my side of it because my side is CHEATING but did you ever think about how I feel about the way I am feeling.

Reply to Isobel
Posted by: Homer | 2010/08/20

Whore - You made a vow - To love and to hold - Tru sickness &  health - So help me God.

You going down bitch..

Reply to Homer
Posted by: anon | 2010/08/20

this will end badly for you, you dont love your husband anymore thats obvious, so leave him then you can have as much sex as you want without hurting or betraying him. It will come out, he will find out somehow, and your marriage will be shattered, its broken already, if you cant see that for yourself!

you will have sex with these men, its the natural conclusion for what you have started.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Theo | 2010/08/20

I hope you delete these text sex messaging. Well said Rob, she is fantasizing about the other man.

Why do we need posite sex to boost our ego or self esteem? That shows that you have very low self-esteem.

Reply to Theo
Posted by: been there | 2010/08/20

isobel i have been there with 3 other woman who boosted my ego and let me say it is an awesome feeling however it is wrong at the end of the day..i would suggest you concentrate on your marriage as this colleagueof yours might only be doing this to get a quick thrill or just so he can release himself and probably does not want a relationship..think b4 u do anything!!!this could mess up your marriage and life

Reply to been there
Posted by: Rob | 2010/08/20

Hi. You have already cheated on your husband by having phone sex and text sex. You do not stay in love but this grows to a love of your partner that is much deeper than being in love.

If this helped your sex life at home you are most probably fantazising over the other man while you have sex with your husband. That is not wrong but please let it stay at this and nothing good can come of this relationship you have going on. Should your husband find out about this he will be devastated and it could end your marraige!!

Reply to Rob

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