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Question
Posted by: Louise | 2009/11/18

Cheating

Hi Doc
I had a birth defect that always detracted from my appearance. I met a wonderful man who didn' t mind and we have been married for ages. He was my first and only boyfriend ever. Recently we had money to fix my defect. After months of terrible pain while my husband nursed me lovingly, I am suddenly normal.
The problem is that now, suddenly this late in my life, men notice me. This has never happened to me before and I find that I love the attention. I would never ever leave my husband and love him dearly, but I find that I am yearning for the feeling of flirting and dating these other men. I am currently acting on my feelings and so enjoy it that I am afraid that I do not really feel guilty and I do not really see it as cheating.
But when I think about it rationally I know its wrong, I don' t want to hurt my wonderful husband, and its also not fair to waste the wonderful other guy' s time with a married woman who cannot commit to him.
I am so torn, I want to know how it feels to flirt and date and sleep with other men, but I never want to loose my husband. My youth has slipped me by, and I only live once????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So here is an often un-recognized side-effect of surgery that effectively heals birth defects ! After years in which you probably felt neglected and overlooked because the defect, of course you enjoy the new attention you receive - but don't insist on confusing admiration for looking good with sexual flirting. People can appreciate you for your looks, and/or your personality, without wanting sex with you, and without you needing to flirt with that edge to it. A counsellor could help you to adjust better to this new situation.
You know well that dating anyone else IS cheating on your husband, emotionally even if not yet physically. And sleeping wih other men, well that is definitely cheating, and espeially unfair to the man who loved you despite the defect, and who definitely does not deserve this. You don't need to behave like a teenager now - you didn't miss as much as it probably felt like to you at the time. See a counsellor, on your own at first, and then maybe some couples counselling, too

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Our users say:
Posted by: heidi | 2009/11/19

OMG you sound like me!!! Hehehehehhe lol. Can I give you true advise? Sleep with one guy... You will love your hubby more after that because you will feel guilty. And be openminded when he wants to but be extremely careful. You will never leave your hubby

Reply to heidi
Posted by: Louise | 2009/11/18

Thanks you guys! Thanks for all the positive input and helpful words. I will make work of myself to overcome these issues, and I especially like the comment from Liz about the men being overrated. I do love my husband dearly.

Reply to Louise
Posted by: Leila | 2009/11/18

Oh hun, its great to be desired by other men - it certainly boosts self-esteem and confidence...

But please remember your hubby loves you as you are these other man only want sex with you cos you are now looking hot!!

Why give up a good kind loving man for a man who will leave you whenever the next desirable woman comes his way!

Now stop being silly and go home to your hubby and treat him like he has treated you - with love and kindness and respect!

Reply to Leila
Posted by: WoW | 2009/11/18

Hold on to your man gal, pleaase dont hurt him. there are a few of those around

Reply to WoW
Posted by: Liz | 2009/11/18

I have slept with quite a few guys....it is overrated. Sticking to just one does not mean you are missing out on anything spectacular!

Reply to Liz
Posted by: Sam | 2009/11/18

Louise, this shows you something, none of these men cared before when you weren' t as pretty, but your husband did. These are the men that will over look you the min a prettier woman walks in, the min your looks fade to age. Your husband however, loves you for who you are. And be happy that your husband was your first, no one likes a girl that' s " been around"  no matter how pretty she is.

Reply to Sam
Posted by: Louise | 2009/11/18

Dear Saun. If you don' t have constructive advice to offer please keep your comments to yourself. I believe your comment falls outside the conditions of using this forum - just scroll up and read the conditions yourself.
Scorpio, thank you for your very helpful and insightful comments. It is truly refreshing to find that there are somebody else who experienced something like I am. I need to seek help to overcome these feelings and to stay faithful to my husband. I will never get somebody like him ever again.

Reply to Louise
Posted by: Saun | 2009/11/18

You are evil !

Reply to Saun
Posted by: scorpio | 2009/11/18

Hi Louise. I can relate to your situation. I was very shy and insecure in my 20' s. However, I had a wonderful boyfriend then that lasted 5 years. When we broke up, I discovered myself, become confident and flirted a lot. To date, I have had so many boyfriends that I cant even keep count. All of a sudden, there were all these guys that were interested in me. I have been living this lifestyle for almost 10 years now, but not one of these guys have ever matched up to my first relationship. It was the best relationship I have had out of all the others!! My advice to you, stay faithful to your husband because there are not a lot of truely good men out there, msot use and abuse you, get what they want and then leave. Its all very exciting in the beginning, but that fades quickly. Hold on to what you have.

Reply to scorpio
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/18

So here is an often un-recognized side-effect of surgery that effectively heals birth defects ! After years in which you probably felt neglected and overlooked because the defect, of course you enjoy the new attention you receive - but don't insist on confusing admiration for looking good with sexual flirting. People can appreciate you for your looks, and/or your personality, without wanting sex with you, and without you needing to flirt with that edge to it. A counsellor could help you to adjust better to this new situation.
You know well that dating anyone else IS cheating on your husband, emotionally even if not yet physically. And sleeping wih other men, well that is definitely cheating, and espeially unfair to the man who loved you despite the defect, and who definitely does not deserve this. You don't need to behave like a teenager now - you didn't miss as much as it probably felt like to you at the time. See a counsellor, on your own at first, and then maybe some couples counselling, too

Reply to cybershrink

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