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Question
Posted by: dw | 2012-01-12

cheapskate?

I have this friend for 2 years now. For the last 2 months we have been seeing eachoher more often and he has told me that he is interested in having a relationship with me. However, whenever we get together, all he has is water and I maybe have a cup of tea. I know he has been through hard times, but I feel guilty if I order anything more than tea. He told me that he signed a HUGE deal on Monday, so we are getting together tonight. I thought maybe we could go for dinner, but he says only a cup of coffee??? Gosh, is this guy a cheapskate or what. I will pay for my own dinner if I have to as we are getting together at 7 and that is dinner time....What do I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I like Maria's comments, and others. Maybe he is a cheap-skate - some people, often especially the really rich, are mean. Some folk who have been really seriously poor, have great difficulty in shaking the habits of being poor, and feel bad about spending money, even when they can well afford it, and often especially when spending on themselves.
Romany's suggestion is interesting, and would be revealing - you could suggest the dinner to celebrate his "huge deal" and talk about it.
As Obvious points out, some people have a specific problem about eating in front of other people, nothing to do with cost.
But surely the basic need is to calmly and gently talk about this with him, expressing your concerns that he seems to never eat, and that you want to understand what is going on.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Obvious | 2012-01-12

He only drinks water....... maybe he is anorexic or diabetic? Ask him what and when he eats - maybe he has a phobia about eating in front of people. There could be other reasons other than being mean.............
Dating is for getting to know someone , so get to know him!

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: CHER | 2012-01-12

If go out again, and he''s having water. ask him if he would like to order something to eat cause you hungry, if he''s not paying the bill............... you gona have to dump him, i doubt he will satisfy you

Reply to CHER
Posted by: Liza | 2012-01-12

It sounds like he turns over every cent a couple of times before deciding to spend it. This is not neccesarily a bad thing - people who are like this usually don''t have money problems when they retire because they have savings. The problem comes in when two people with very different spending habits try to have a relationship with each other. One will always be upset at the other for trying to save every single cent they can, while the other will be upset because money is being ''wasted'' that could have been put away for a rainy day.

People should make sure at the start of a relationship that their priorities are the same or at least similar. Having different priorities will almost always result in conflict. Which I personally think is one of the biggest reasons for the high divorce rate.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Romany | 2012-01-12

Yes he is a cheapscate.
Even if he only likes water he should be giving you the option to have what you want.
He will not get better, move on.
If you want to verify this.... tell him you are treating him to dinner as you are celebrating something (make something up) and see what HE orders if he does not have to pay for it.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: dw | 2012-01-12

Maria, no we have never been to a restaurant. we will go for a drive, he came to lie by my pool and only brought himself a bottle of water, he took me to a hotel venue and we sat outsise and he had water and I had 1 cup of coffee, because how can I order anything else when he is only having water. When I got home I was ravenous...In the beginning of a relationship, surely a guy should be impressing you. Not with expensive meals, but he could offer to get takeaways or we could just go for a pizza???

Reply to dw
Posted by: Maria | 2012-01-12

So when you guys get together, what do you do? Do you always go to restaurant? Can you meet up at one of your houses and cook supper together rather?

You''re right at the start of this relationship so you have to ask yourself, is there something so compelling about this guy that you are willing to put up with the apparent lack of money? While it is a bit shallow to only look at money, it is only realistic to think about the implications should this relationship become more serious or long lasting.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-01-12

I like Maria's comments, and others. Maybe he is a cheap-skate - some people, often especially the really rich, are mean. Some folk who have been really seriously poor, have great difficulty in shaking the habits of being poor, and feel bad about spending money, even when they can well afford it, and often especially when spending on themselves.
Romany's suggestion is interesting, and would be revealing - you could suggest the dinner to celebrate his "huge deal" and talk about it.
As Obvious points out, some people have a specific problem about eating in front of other people, nothing to do with cost.
But surely the basic need is to calmly and gently talk about this with him, expressing your concerns that he seems to never eat, and that you want to understand what is going on.

Reply to cybershrink

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