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Question
Posted by: AFTO | 2012/04/02

Chasing after a man

Guys. I have several issues. Pls help, sorry it''s a bit long.
1. I got back together with an ex that I was sooo in love with. I still love him and I have told him this. His response was " That''s sweet, but I want to take it easy this time around" . I have no idea what to make of this. Wait for him to " love me again"  or what.
2. So I just went with the flow and accepted that I love him - he is taking it easy. But it''s so hard coz I have no idea where I stand >  are we dating or not or just friends with benefits. Although I have made it very clear that I don''t do " friends with benefits" , he never really came out and said what he wants from this. One day I tried to get to understand what we are doing. I asked him, what are we doing. His response was " These are the kind of questions that scare me away from you" .
3. So I decided to stop scaring him with these kinds of questions and just go with the flow and not be clingy. But now I feel like I am chasing him around. He would ingore my messages for days. He does not pick up when I call and does not return my missed calls. I don''t call frequently, maybe once a week. I send a message maybe every other day.(In the spirit of being not clingy). But then he will out of the blue send sweet messages and be nice. And then go quiet again.
4. So this weekend I decided that I am done chasing him. I said my goodbye and told him that I am not going to run after him anymore. No response AT ALL. Now I am wondering if I over-reacted. Should I have tried to talk it over before saying goodbye? I even have a mind of calling him and apologise for over-reacting. But again, I am scared of scaring him away with these kinds of questions.

I am so confused. It''s very embarrassing to be chasing after a man who doesn''t want you. But how do I know that he really doesn''t want me - what if I am being over-sensitive?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As I often say, sometimes people, especially young women, are actually in love with the idea of being in love, and direct this towards someone who actually doesn't love them, and who sometimes doesn't even deserve to be loved. And they can be very stubborn about revising their assumptions about this "love".
If he ever actually loved you, he still would, and you wouldn't be sitting around waiting for him to "love you again".
The "friends with benefits" fashion is actually only abouty providing guys with free sex who want nothing more, from women who assume they'll get more if they give more.
He's getting what he wants from you QWHEN he wants it, and isnt interested in you at other times.
You didn't over-react, you have been under-reacting. You don't describe the faintest way in which he signals that he wants you at all, except for the occasional "benefits". Don'\t you deserve a whole lot more than that ? Its highly unlikely you'll get more from him.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: K | 2012/04/04

It really sounds like this guy cares only about the sex part of your relationship, I doubt he really cares about you his actions say it all. don''t walk away RUN

Reply to K
Posted by: Pain | 2012/04/03

I only have this to say to you, "  He is just not that into you"  maybe you should buy the book. In the meantime RUN!!

Reply to Pain
Posted by: Phil | 2012/04/02

If he wanted you  he would have cared and showed it. Take the message  and spend your time on someo else who actually cares.
Sorry for being so direct.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/02

As I often say, sometimes people, especially young women, are actually in love with the idea of being in love, and direct this towards someone who actually doesn't love them, and who sometimes doesn't even deserve to be loved. And they can be very stubborn about revising their assumptions about this "love".
If he ever actually loved you, he still would, and you wouldn't be sitting around waiting for him to "love you again".
The "friends with benefits" fashion is actually only abouty providing guys with free sex who want nothing more, from women who assume they'll get more if they give more.
He's getting what he wants from you QWHEN he wants it, and isnt interested in you at other times.
You didn't over-react, you have been under-reacting. You don't describe the faintest way in which he signals that he wants you at all, except for the occasional "benefits". Don'\t you deserve a whole lot more than that ? Its highly unlikely you'll get more from him.

Reply to cybershrink

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