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Question
Posted by: CP MOM | 2008/10/24

Charne' s refusal to go to school

How do I fix this?

Charne refuses to go to school. The fights are getting worse and worse.
So I went to see the principal yesterday.

My concerns are :

ONE
I have never gotten along with the teacher, things happen in the class that she does not know about –  I’ ll say Charne did not eat her lunch for 2 days what’ s wrong and she’ ll say oh she personally see’ s that they eat. I’ ll say she did not I CLEAN HER SCHOOL BAG AND LUNCH box so KNOW. She’ ll just say: she did eat. And a couple of other things.

TWO
There is a child, Sara, who is autistic and who scratches and beats other kids. She has targeted Charne and on more than one occasion has Charne come home saying “ Sara hit me”  then she’ s got a scratch on the face or a bite mark. When I look in Charne’ s book then the teacher wrote “ sorry, Sara was just to fast for us” . I asked for Sara not to be put anywhere near Charne but when I got to the class yesterday I saw that there was only one other child between Charne and Sara.

THREE
The other day I had to collect Charne as she got hurt. When I got to school she was without teacher just the “ assistant”  –  I did not ask questions as the “ assistant”  is just a glorified domestic worker –  and how can she cope with all these kids for the day. I also noticed the way she treated and spoke to Charne.

FOUR
When I was there yesterday I again saw the treatment and tone Charne is spoken to by this assistant.

The principal just refuses to accept that the problem is at school and say’ s it must be at home. I said well she does not have a problem to come home now does she?????

I was then told to let Charne stay home a day or two and to make it as shit as possible for her. No sweets no TV no toys no attention etc. so that she would rather WANT TO go to school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will be a cold day in hell before I make home (the one safe place) a shit place for my child.

So I achieved nothing by going to school!

As I left last year’ s teacher called me aside an quickly asked me (softly) what’ s going on with Charne she is not herself ? I said you tell me ? She said well she’ s the teacher on duty during playtime / break and Charne does not play with the other kids anymore –  she looks for her, holds her hand and walks with her until she has to go back to her class.

I let my care-giver sit in the class while I was as the principal and she also noted that Charne just sat like a Zombie in the class and if she moved the assistant (in her words) would be very “ harsh”  towards Charne… ..

Today I just couldn’ t face forcing my child to go to school so I left her at home.

What the hell do I do ? The principal refuses to understand or ever entertain the thought that the “ class”  or “ teacher”  is the problem… .She also cannot tell me if Charne will be in this same class next year.

I feel like telling her well I WANT Charne in another class even if it’ s then in an Afrikaans class and will keep her out of school until such time as there is space for her!!!!!

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Our expert says:
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Some thoughts. Could your MANNER in HOW you approach the teachwer / principal be part of the problem ? YOu're obviously very emotionally wrapped up in all this, but if she feels challenged, she may automatically defend herself and her school, irrespective of the fact ; whereas if she feels acknowledged as someone with relevant expertise and experience whose advice is being ssought, she may try to be more helpful.
Each chiold must present some particular problems. Yes, it would be nice for them to keep Sara more separated from Charne --- but maybe she then just attacks other kids, and then THEIR parents complain. Maybe they need to encourage Sara's parents to conslt her doc, to have her medicated or otherwise treated perhaps by a psychologist, to unlearn her habit of attacks. Maybe they need to recognize that triggers such attacks. Spontaneous violence towards others is not a feature of Autism, but they can feel easily threatened by otherwise innocent behaviour of others. Maybe the teachers need to observe Sara more closely to identify what is setting her off ?
On Three --- was Charne sitting with the assitant, while the teacher was occupied with the other kids, or was there no teacher there at the time, and only the assistant ?
On 4, it's surely not a question of making home a shit place for her, but of skillfull avoiding making it additionally rewarding for her to stay home rather than go to school. The evenings and weekends can be as nice as ever, but no extra pleasures or privileges for staying home during school-time --- making it dull and unrewarding, rather than nasty.
From the different points you have noticed, it is indeed very possible that this particular "assistant" is trusted too much by the teacher / principal, and may have taken a disline to Ne for some reason, and is a significant cause of thios problem. Is it possible to discuss this calmly with the headm and see if Ne can be swopped to another class, under a different teacher or if the assistant could be swopped to another class and out of the one Ne is in ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bob' s Girlfriend | 2008/10/24

If you did not just come here on the days we all know you come here to make shit you' d actually have noticed that my nic is used quite often in postings.

Unlike you using another nic every time you stirr.

We all know exactly who you are so go away back to your pathetic, drunkard life.

END OF DISCUSSION - you bore us.

Reply to Bob&#39 s Girlfriend
Posted by: not antoinette | 2008/10/24

Yes, shame how pathetic, Bob' s Girlfriend. Couldn' t help but notice you also use a nick????????

I presume you also " ... not have the balls to do it under their own"  name!!!!

Reply to not antoinette
Posted by: Bob' s Girlfriend | 2008/10/24

I always find it interesting that people like " C"  do not post under any nic that we know when they are looking for a fight or being plain nasty.

Why is that ? Do they not have the balls to do it under their own nic?

Must be.

Shame, how pathetic.

Arme Antoinette.

Reply to Bob&#39 s Girlfriend
Posted by: CP MOM | 2008/10/24

Maria, Hi

She' s at home today and you will not believe how wonderfully happy she is....I do think that I' ll have to get her into another class, you are right, just don' t know how im going to get pass the principal.


Due to this teacher i have not like ALL the other years contributed a 10th of what I always do. With the bottelstores we always give prezzies for golf days and we also donate hampers where they sell tickets and keep the money etc.....I' ve just had no interest because of this teacher' s attitude...and I do so like to be involved with the kids and the school and I like doing my bit....

Agh ja......

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Maria | 2008/10/24

CPM, I agree that making home an unpleasant place compared to school is a ridiculous idea. One person can make or break a child' s school experience. My daughter also once refused to go to school in the mornings because of an afternoon assistant who she simply did not feel safe with. Try to negotiate Ne into a different class, I really think that' s your best bet.

Good luck

Reply to Maria
Posted by: c | 2008/10/24

CPM, jy wat self ' n gestremde kind het is ongelooflik haatlik teenoor ' n ander gestremde kind. Waarom ontmoet jy nie die Sara se ouers en bespreek die saak soos volwassenes nie.

Het die feit dat jy en G weer by mekaar is nie ook iets met die hele " nie-skool-toe-gaan"  affere te maak nie?

Reply to c
Posted by: CP MOM | 2008/10/24

Hi Sad Mommy

Unfortunately there are so few schools for these kids and all the other in our area or near us have already told me that Charne is " to clever"  for them.

I think i need to calmly write and then send and email to the principal stating that i want my child moved into another class next year and if they cannot do that they need to inform me so that I can make other plans....

I wish Ne would slap this Sara one good one so she' ll think twice at doing it to her...unfortunately Charne is to kind hearted and friendly and nice to do it....

I had to wait 3 months when Charne was in that school before I could buy a uniform as they needed to see if she " fits in"  how the hell did Sara get approved???? And if such a child is so violent why not tell her parents to make another plan ?

The principal even said she disrupts the whole class that sometimes they put her in an area apart from everyone with her music...

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Sad Mommy | 2008/10/24

Report your case to the department of Education - the school needs to be a safe environment for your child.

Get hold of this Sara' s parent and advise them you will lay a case of assault if she hurts your child again. I would sue them for not stopping it.

I agree - her home is her safe zone, you cant make it hell for her, then where will she turn??

Can you not move her to a better school? Easier said than done I know, but it is an option.

Hang in there, trust your child and just do your best.

Reply to Sad Mommy

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