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Question
Posted by: Apple | 2012/10/11

Change in feelings

Hi,
I just want to know if a pregnancy can influence someone so much that they can stop loving their husband? I was married for only 9 months when I became pregnant, and it wasnt planned, so I was so shocked and unhappy about it. Today I love my daugther, its been 2 years now. I am totally unhappy in my marriage, not at all attracted to my husband and the issues we had just seemed to get worse and worse. At the moment we are seperated, because he cant control his temper and the last incident was so scary for me and even they baby was screaming. He swore and broke things in the house etc. I dont know if this is my fault because I am so distant and unloving towards him, that he gets frustrated and has these regular outbursts. He is going for counselling, but my problem is that I really have no more love for him and I cant imagine being in a marriage like this. Im a proud christian in a relationship with God and Jesus, and Im afraid that getting a divorce means that Im not trusting God to help/change things. Im so confused, currently on Odiven to control my moods, because the situation is difficult to handle sometimes.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Stress, such as that caused by an unexpected and alarming pregnancy, can so pre-occupy one with the anxieties and concerns, that one feels less loving ; so can Depression, which can arise both in relation to the stress and the hormonal changes of pregnancy. There can also be Post-Natal depression, which can be lasting and damage any loving relationship.
Were you deeply in love with your husband before the unexpected pregnancy ? Or did the pregnancy, perhaps even his responses to it, reveal a lack of loving there from the start ?
It sounds like you are both unhappy and bothered and frustrated by this. Would there be value in seeing a marriage counsellor together ? Even while separated ? Mabe things can be usefully sorted out ; maybe not - but even then its better to part with each of you better understanding what went wrong, and how to avoid similar problems in future.
See a lay / professional counsellor, not a church counsellor. Maybe a church-based counsellor can help you review the spiritual dimensions of this. Does one expect God to give you enough support to work with expert help and sort things out yourself ? Or do you expect Him to do or take charge of the work itself ?
As Jenna says, if you have been persistently unloving towards him ( which is not generally what most religions expect between a married couple ) it would be very understandable if he became drustrated and angry, wouldn't it ?

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Reply to Honda
Posted by: Apple | 2012/10/12

Thanks for the replies. I did love him when we got married, but I we broke up just before getting engaged because he cheated on me... Its my mistake to have taken him back when I knew I didnt trust him fully... I also always felt as though I was the second choice and he asked me to marry him out of guilt (which he obviously would never admit even if it were true). So I shouldnt have married him whilst having these feelings. When I got pregnant (i never blamed him, i know these things happen) I was on anti-depressants since 2 years before that and I stopped the medication, not knowing I had to wean myself of them, I was afraid that it might harm the baby. So I was very depressed during my pregnancy and my husband was not supportive at all, he made me feel so guilty for not being happy about ''this gift from God''... he also couldnt understand why I was sleeping alot and not always in the mood for friends. I started resenting him for all these things and the fact that he would swear at me and get very angry, while ALL i needed was loving support during this new phase/change in our lives. He never asked me if he could cook so that I could rest etc. and even after the baby was born, he still expected me to do everything, and if I ask for help he would sigh and ask if he has to do it NOW...?? Im so tired. Im afraid that all of this will repeat itself in the future if I go back to him. And Im terrified of getting pregnant again. It was the worst time of my life.

Reply to Apple
Posted by: Anon | 2012/10/11

Maybe the fact that you had a baby so early in the marriage caused some resentment between both of you. Of course that doesnt change the way you feel about your baby now, but maybe somewhere deep down there is resentment towards your husband for making you pregnant so early in the marriage. remember though it takes two to tangle

Its not fair what you are doing to your husband and if you were a true Christian women you wouldnt be torturing him like this.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Jenna | 2012/10/11

Hi Apple,

maybe it would be best to get a divorce if you honestly, really and truely feel no love towards him.

I hate to play blame games, but if you are not loving towards your husband, yes it would be very frustrating for him. Not only frustrating, but also very hurtful- rejection is not nice.

If I may ask, what do you expect from your husband in terms of his attitude towards you?

You say you are a proud Christian woman, then remember that God knows the plans he has for you, he knows what is in your heart and if you had to leave, who''s to say that it is not part of your plans?

Either way, it is not fair for the baby to grow up in a loveless environment, and it is cruel to stay married to a man you don''t love- for both yourself AND your husband.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/11

Stress, such as that caused by an unexpected and alarming pregnancy, can so pre-occupy one with the anxieties and concerns, that one feels less loving ; so can Depression, which can arise both in relation to the stress and the hormonal changes of pregnancy. There can also be Post-Natal depression, which can be lasting and damage any loving relationship.
Were you deeply in love with your husband before the unexpected pregnancy ? Or did the pregnancy, perhaps even his responses to it, reveal a lack of loving there from the start ?
It sounds like you are both unhappy and bothered and frustrated by this. Would there be value in seeing a marriage counsellor together ? Even while separated ? Mabe things can be usefully sorted out ; maybe not - but even then its better to part with each of you better understanding what went wrong, and how to avoid similar problems in future.
See a lay / professional counsellor, not a church counsellor. Maybe a church-based counsellor can help you review the spiritual dimensions of this. Does one expect God to give you enough support to work with expert help and sort things out yourself ? Or do you expect Him to do or take charge of the work itself ?
As Jenna says, if you have been persistently unloving towards him ( which is not generally what most religions expect between a married couple ) it would be very understandable if he became drustrated and angry, wouldn't it ?

Reply to cybershrink

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