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Posted by: Michelle | 2012/09/17

Caught fiancé  masturbating

Hi i dont know if this is the correct forum to use but i have no-one else to confide in. i walked in on my fiance masturbating in the bath yesterday, i was so shocked i walked out and when he got out the bath he came to me and told me its not what i saw and that i am losing my mind. i know exactly what i saw and i know i should be the " cool"  fiance and not make a issue of this but what hurts me is minutes before he got in the bath he was laying right next to me in the bed. why didnt he include me or get intimate with me? we have also not had sex for the past 2 weeks because he says he is just too tired when he gets home. He is ignoring me now as if I have done something wrong by confronting him about this. i am going thru a very difficult time now with another issue in my life and really need my fiance''s support. i dont know what to do. please give me advice.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its sheer bad manners to walk in on someone in the bath, or alone in their room, without knocking and pausing.
Masturbating is entirely normal, and should not be resented. It is net a form of cheating, which is how you are reacting to it. YOu HAVE done something wrong, by showing no respect for his privacy and over-reacting to something normal. Maybe it'd be easier for him to support you when you need it, if you were more understanding and supportive of him.
Most people masturbate, whether or not they are having sex with a partner. Apologise to him for embarrassing him and for making such a big fuss, and express your idea that you missed having sex with him recently, and would have been glad to do so or to join in.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Deeve | 2012/09/21

From a Gay married man(yes married for years to another man!)..... let me tell you how Guys work! You ladies are FAR too sensitive and way out of touch with life. Guys wank even when they are in a relationship with LOTS of sex...don''t you know that...huh???? It''s got absolutely nothing to do with not being interested or anything else...Guys LIKE doing things THEIR way when THEY want to, how often THEY want to! Maybe you seemed distant 20 minutes before he bathed...who knows and who cares. If you can''t allow him free reign with his OWN body now, then I wish him the absolute best for the years ahead. CS gave you carrots because you do have issues... or you wouldn''t have posted this crap in the first place! Loosen up and let your partner fly. He''s clearly not going anywhere - but soon will be if you keep hen pecking him the way you are. Cheers

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Tinkerbell | 2012/09/18

Mich,

You guys should be comfortable enough with each other. So leaving the door open &  masturbating shouldn''t be a problem, unless offcourse, you are not that close to each other and are not comfortable with certain things.

You saw him at it, why didn''t you jump into the bath too?
Add some spice to your life. Tell him it was ok. And really sometimes you don''t want to have sex with someone, you just want some relief, but by yourself.


It doesn''t mean he doesn''t love you anymore, or doesn''t find you attractive or a turn on. He may have just wanted time to himself.

Go home today and do something different, spice up things. Send him a sexy message - there''s nothing wrong with this. It may just be the thing you both need to add that edge to things. If masturbation is such a big deal, I can''t imagine you being very adventurous in bed.

Reply to Tinkerbell
Posted by: Purple | 2012/09/18

Perhaps he should start locking the bathroom door or you should start knocking.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: obvious | 2012/09/17

CSis right about the manners.
lf you had behaved respectfully and knocked on the door you would not seen anything.....

Reply to obvious
Posted by: Anon | 2012/09/17

It''s always good to get differing views and opinions on matters, glad if mine could help you in some way :)

I think Nini has worded it quite well in her post! Just try not to take it personally, him masturbating most likely has nothing to do with you or your sex life, it''s just a lot simpler/quicker form of release.

Also having lived with my fiance for a few years I understand the whole ''leaving the bathroom door open'' thing, I think we are a bit too comfy around our future spouses, most people still need a tiny bit of private time and you had the misfortune of walking in on his as I have on mine in the past! I just make a point of announcing myself now ( by talking to him from a distance as I come closer) before just walking in to room when I suspect he''s up to something :)

I kind of disagree with MS about having a duty to discuss it with your partner but I guess each couple will differ about it. Personally, I know my fiance masturbates, he knows I do too, aside from having asked that we haven''t really discussed it as we both prefer for it to remain something private. I guess it depends on how you view the actual purpose of masturbation.

Either way, hope you guys can sit down and discuss it calmly :)

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Michelle | 2012/09/17

Thank-you for the understanding and advice Ella, appreciate it.

Reply to Michelle
Posted by: Ella | 2012/09/17

Hi Michelle - I totally agree with you on this one. On all accounts.
I was married to someone who did the same. And no one understands how it makes you feel when you WANT to make love to your partner but he has an excuse every time, only to masturbate on his own around the corner. It was something I could never accept or get used to.
And for CS - he totally attacked you and made YOU out to be at fault where clearly you were not. How about kicking a dog whilst it''s lying down already!
Yes, its good manners to ''knock and pause'' but in all honesty, when you want to surprise (good surprise) someone, you would not knock and pause.

Take my advice and speak to your fiance - he needs to know how it makes you feel. Explain to him. Don''t let it fester and DON''T feel like you''ve done something wrong. He was wrong.

Reply to Ella
Posted by: Michelle | 2012/09/17

Thank you MS for your support as well, my fiance actually did freak out a few months ago when he THOUGHT I had a vibrator, he said that he feels threatened by a vibrator and that he hopes i dont own one, so that is just how i felt yesterday when i saw him pleasuring himself. i didnt want to make him feel like he did something wrong coz we usually masturbate together during sex anyway so i know its not a bad thing, i just dont understand how he tells me he is too tired to make love to me but then he jumps out bed into the bath with his hand.

Reply to Michelle
Posted by: MS | 2012/09/17

I wonder if the same could be said by most guys here if Mich was ambushed by her partner using a vibrator to pleasure herself or to " relieve some tension" .

Is it not the partner''s duty to inform Michelle that he wants to give her time to deal with her issues and he will masturbate in the interim?? Surely this would not have ended up in this forum because they would discuss it as a couple. I am a guy and feel we are too subjective now.

Yes, CS was very confrontational and turned a victim to be a perpetrator.

Reply to MS
Posted by: Nini | 2012/09/17


I couldnt agree more with everyone!

Masturbation, especially for men, is not some fantasy or secret sexual fetish - In fact it is one of the most normal things a man does. My husband once told me that sometimes masturbation is not about just the sexual " niceness"  of it, but in fact just for the release or relief of built up tension, or something along those lines.. Sometimes, more often than not, it''s purely just that.

I think you are reading too much into the situation. There could be plenty of reasons as to why he is masturbating, and as the other people have said, I would think it might be due to stress or the fact that you currently have issues of your own. You need to talk to him, and better yet, make peace with the fact that even if your sex life was brilliant chances are he will still masturbate at some point! Get over it, and accept it. Let him know that you dont find it disgusting or offensive (assuming you can come to terms with it). He will respect you that much more, and you will have one less " secret"  amongst you guys.

Reply to Nini
Posted by: Michelle | 2012/09/17

Thank you Anon for your comment and advise, much less attacking thant that of CS geez, seems i pressed a button there CS...

I know masturbating is normal and natural, and CS i have been living with my fiance for 2 years and we often walk into the bathroom without knocking or pausing so i wouldnt say it was bad manners for me to do so yesterday as i have the past year or so, i would rather say its bad manners to masturbate with the door wide open knowing your partner could walk in any minute!

Anon, thank you for putting things in a different perspective for me, i will talk to him about it and apologise for making him feel like he did something wrong. i guess its just because of him neglecting me the past 2 weeks and then me catching him pleasuring himself when i was right there next to him you know.

Reply to Michelle
Posted by: Anon | 2012/09/17

I agree with tinkerbell maybe he''s been trying to give you some space and not put any pressure on you. Maybe it''s just a combination of him genuinely being tired and all the stresses you are going through.
Masturbating isn''t really odd(I would say it''s healthy even), especially if he has been tired due to other things, not being in the mood for sex doesn''t always mean all sexual urges and needs are gone too. Chances are he has been masturbating since he first figured out how things work so I really wouldn''t worry about it.
If your worried about your sex life try discussing your concerns about that without including this incident and perhaps start of by apologizing for confronting him when he hasn''t really done anything wrong?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: SY | 2012/09/17

Rather masturbating than messing around with someone else. Is your sex life good? If there is a next time why not join him?

Reply to SY
Posted by: Tinkerbell | 2012/09/17

There''s nothing wrong with him doing that. Speak to him about it. Ask him what''s the problem. Michelle, surely you have done it at least once in your life?

maybe he doesn''t want to put pressure on you and give you some space, since you say you are having difficulties in life.
Speak to him. It''s not as if u caught him with another man or woman, cheating on you.

Reply to Tinkerbell
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/09/17

Its sheer bad manners to walk in on someone in the bath, or alone in their room, without knocking and pausing.
Masturbating is entirely normal, and should not be resented. It is net a form of cheating, which is how you are reacting to it. YOu HAVE done something wrong, by showing no respect for his privacy and over-reacting to something normal. Maybe it'd be easier for him to support you when you need it, if you were more understanding and supportive of him.
Most people masturbate, whether or not they are having sex with a partner. Apologise to him for embarrassing him and for making such a big fuss, and express your idea that you missed having sex with him recently, and would have been glad to do so or to join in.

Reply to cybershrink

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