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Question
Posted by: Lexus | 2012/05/29

catch 22

Hi,

I am 26 years old, my finace is 23 and our daughter is 16months.
We met in jan 2011 whilst still staying 1500km apart, saw each other for a weekend and then I moved closer to her as my company relocated me. We were dating for about 3 weeks when she fell pregnant.

Since then, it has all been downhill. The stress of being new parents, what to tel our parents etc really took its toll in the beginning, but turned out great in the end.

We barely knew each other and being pregnant, we had no time to even get to know each other, it was all just gearing up for our baby to come. Since the birth of our baby, all our focus was on her.

Now that she is a bit older, we''ve realized that we are actullay so far apart, likes, dislikes, view points, goals, parenting styles, personality, the list goes on. To be frank, if we had not fallen pregnant, our relationship would not have lasted a month.

where to from here? we are both successful with good job and earning good money.

She does not want to break up, but I feel like im going to blow if I stay!!

We just differ too much, cant agree on anything and just always clashing and bumping heads. Do I leave, do I stay? do we work things out?

how hard is a break up ons a child? honestly the only reason im sticking around is for my daughter.

PLease tell me im not the only one, and and that some of you have some advise or possibly a solution??????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sadly, yes, the stresses of dealing with pregnancy and a newborn are magnified when the events are unplanned, and the couple really don't know each other. This reall does illustrate why wise folks so strongly advise that having sex, especially unprotected sex, so early on, before you know your partner and before you are prepared to spend years together, is never ever a good idea.
Why not see a couples counsellor together ? Not as a form of glue to force you to stay together, but to enable you both to understand the situation better and to more wisely decide and plan for a future that will be best for you all.
At such a young age, a break-up is not likely to be damaging to a child, especially if the parents do it in a friendly and caring manner, and maintain contact with her. Less damaging than having unhappy and ultimately squabbling, embittered parents.
As Maria points out, kids, even before they can express it in words, sense when there are tensions and misery within a relationship.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/31

Sadly, yes, the stresses of dealing with pregnancy and a newborn are magnified when the events are unplanned, and the couple really don't know each other. This reall does illustrate why wise folks so strongly advise that having sex, especially unprotected sex, so early on, before you know your partner and before you are prepared to spend years together, is never ever a good idea.
Why not see a couples counsellor together ? Not as a form of glue to force you to stay together, but to enable you both to understand the situation better and to more wisely decide and plan for a future that will be best for you all.
At such a young age, a break-up is not likely to be damaging to a child, especially if the parents do it in a friendly and caring manner, and maintain contact with her. Less damaging than having unhappy and ultimately squabbling, embittered parents.
As Maria points out, kids, even before they can express it in words, sense when there are tensions and misery within a relationship.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: lexus | 2012/05/30

We dont ever fight in front of our daughter we are always happy chappy, ceerful and playful in front of her, exactly for the reasons you guys have just listed here. but as soon as we are alone, we just cant agree, not shouting and screaming. just disagreeing.

I think i most closely relate to Gracie here. Shes a great mom and I am a great dad. We love our daughter to bits, but the connection between us has just completely dissapeared.

thanx for the advise though. Last thing I want is to emotionally scar my baby and have her grow up with issues or even worse resenting me.





Reply to lexus
Posted by: ?????? | 2012/05/30

You met in jan 2011 and you daughter is allraedy 16 months?
Dating three weeks then preganancy?

Ok maybe you meant Jan2010. Its never a good idea to just be ina relationship just for the kids, i mean something deeper must keep you going. She''ll (your daughter i.e.) also grow up resenting you, because she would have had to see mom and dad in bad in relations. She''ll blame herself. i say atay because you love mom, remember parents can divorce but you cant divorce your kids. Just be there for your daughter in every way possible.

Reply to ??????
Posted by: Maria | 2012/05/30

Children are like emotion radars... they might not be able to articulate what they feel but the younger they are, the more they respond badly to negative vibes in their parents. I''m in favour of marriage and of a child being raised by both biological parents but if there is a lot of conflict it is better for the child to separate. You are divorcing/separating from your spouse/gf, not your child.

Lexus my suggestion would be to go for counselling together, not necessarily to try and patch up the relationship but to negotiate how you are going to separate and raise your daughter afterwards.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Gracie | 2012/05/30

I am stuck in a marriage I don''t want to be in, but I also don''t want my 13 year old son to go through the trauma of a divorce, so I cannot give you any advice here. You are not alone, I am sure there are many people out there who are in a similar situation. I am tired of hearing that I owe it to myself to get out, I feel I owe it to my child to stay. My hb and I don''t fight or anything like that, but I am not in love with him anymore and I am not happy. Some days it feels as if I am in a dark hole and cannot get out, other days it''s all fine again. Your situation is different to mine, but just know that there are others out there going through the same or similar to what you are going through. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

Reply to Gracie

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