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Posted by: Caring MYSELF | 2012/03/28

Caring Step-mom replies

Reading all your replies and advice on my previous issue, I know you are all right. This morning I made a list of what I have and what I want. Oh my gosh! What a surprise I got, not realising it was this bad. What I have is nothing just my daughter. In my relationship with him I have nothing. I now feel used for the sake of the custody battle (stable home), for him to start his own business (liquated and insolvent), the sad thing is he is married, been separated for 5 years (wife in England, she is coming end of March to SA, he was supposed to get the divorce papers ready and he didn’ t). It is all about him and his daughters, I have to be ready and willing to be there all the time, he can’ t even lock the doors at night, or make the bed and never helps around the house. He is trying to start his own business, and always stressed out. There is no emotional, romantic, mental and sexual stimulation. Why then am I with him? What is keeping me there? I work, I support myself and my daughter, then he came along, we moved into a bigger house we are renting, is it the material things keeping me there? No all the furniture in the house is mine. I bought him a car on my name that costs 3 times in payments a month then my car that is falling apart. The more I type the more I realise what an idiot I am to stay, but he has a hold on me for some reason. I can’ t just walk out as I have tenants renting my house. I told him I am moving out end of the year, he then tells me there is nothing wrong between us, I keep telling him there is and I am unhappy. He doesn’ t give a toss how I feel or what I think. I had to ask him for a kiss when he gets home, I don’ t do that anymore. The only physical action he we have got going on is when we sleep he will put his arm around me. I have to get out, but how where do I go, all my money goes to this house we are renting. I pay everything except his car. What a fool I am!!!!!! I will not consider myself as a step-mom no more  I will make sure the kids know that we are only friends and nothing more. Even his 8 year old calls me mom when she is a “ guest”  in our house (this is according to him). Damn you stupid stupid woman I am!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Separate wisely, with legal advice if needed, so that, for instance, you keep everything that is yours, including furniture and the car ( if you can't afford to keep up payments, make a plan with the companies and sell ).
Find somewhere for you and your daughter to live, surely much cheaper than the house you currently share, and make an arrangement with the landlord to leave this place and stop paying rent as soon as possible. Let him take care of himself.
Surely when all your money goes into just what you and your daughter need, you should be much better off.
Stop berating yourself for your stupidity. Stupid would be to continue tolerating the situation once you have recognized it for what it is.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Megs | 2012/03/29

Good luck. It won''t be difficult for you to leave seeing that you have all the money, but I know that you will worry about where he will go. At the end of the day, if you feel that he has used you, then you owe him nothing. Quite frankly, by the sound of your post he is living lekker with you (without any effort from him).

Is he earning any money whatsoever? If I were you, I''d start by getting him to pay for the car. Is it in your name or his? If it''s in HIS name but coming off YOUR account, just get the bank details to change to his account. If it''s in YOUR name, then tell him that it is technically YOUR car and give him your broken car.

With regards to the rent, tell him that he owes you for half the rent. My husband and I share our expenses mostly equally (he gives me half the rent in cash, we take turns buying the weekly groceries, we both put in a certain amount of petrol, etc).

How is he to your daughter? Does she like him?

Reply to Megs
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/28

l admire you for taking some harsh advice from us forumites, if only other would read and think about the very sensible opinions given by others. Good luck 2 u .

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Maria | 2012/03/28

The important thing is that you''ve now seen the truth. I suggest you go for counselling to help you sort out in your mind why he has such a hold on you, and for support in kicking him out. Don''t wait until the end of the year, why, that''s still many months away. Good luck.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/28

Separate wisely, with legal advice if needed, so that, for instance, you keep everything that is yours, including furniture and the car ( if you can't afford to keep up payments, make a plan with the companies and sell ).
Find somewhere for you and your daughter to live, surely much cheaper than the house you currently share, and make an arrangement with the landlord to leave this place and stop paying rent as soon as possible. Let him take care of himself.
Surely when all your money goes into just what you and your daughter need, you should be much better off.
Stop berating yourself for your stupidity. Stupid would be to continue tolerating the situation once you have recognized it for what it is.

Reply to cybershrink

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