advertisement
Question
Posted by: dw | 2011-05-03

cant talk to bf

Hi. I have been going out with my bf for 6 months. Whenever I bring up issues, he goes into this highly defensive mode. I cannot talk to him as I feel I am walking on egg shells. It is becoming a problem as for a relationship to work, there has to be communication i.e. we have to relate like best friends. For the last few weeks, I get so emotional coz I cant talk to him that all I do is cry. Please advise, thanks!

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Often, though some people indeed can be hypersensitive, there's a lot that can be achieved by working on HOW you talk about issues.
Sometimes the tone of voice one uses sounds like whining or demanding to the other person ; sometimes it sounds like a direct criticism and blaming them for anything that's wrong. And of course if you get more emotional and cry, that will put him off - men enerally have difficulty coping with their own emotions, let alone anyone else's.
Try calmly talking about neutral things, for a start ( the welcome death of Osama, the daft hats at the Royal Wedding, whtever ), and then raise one issue important to you, and then discuss it as something that you'd appreciate hearing his advice about ( so he thinks of how to help, not how to defend himself against criticism )- and describe your concern in terms of how you feel about it, and what worries you, rather than in terms of whatever he might do described in ways that make it sound as though he's upseting you deliberately.
You know ? Rather than saying : "You never pay attention to my feelings", you could say : " WHen I'm feeling bad, I hesitate to mention them because I don't want to upset you to, but I'd like you to undersdtand how I'm feeling, as you might be able to help me."
Rather than saying : "You're always puttin me down", say more concretely, "When you do / say X, I feel put down."

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Truth | 2011-05-03

We date to see if we are compatible - if not we would marry after the first date!
You cannot communicate and are treading on eggshells, surely this is enough info to realise this is not the one?

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Maria | 2011-05-03

If he won''t make an effort to communicate, is there a future for your relationship?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-03

Often, though some people indeed can be hypersensitive, there's a lot that can be achieved by working on HOW you talk about issues.
Sometimes the tone of voice one uses sounds like whining or demanding to the other person ; sometimes it sounds like a direct criticism and blaming them for anything that's wrong. And of course if you get more emotional and cry, that will put him off - men enerally have difficulty coping with their own emotions, let alone anyone else's.
Try calmly talking about neutral things, for a start ( the welcome death of Osama, the daft hats at the Royal Wedding, whtever ), and then raise one issue important to you, and then discuss it as something that you'd appreciate hearing his advice about ( so he thinks of how to help, not how to defend himself against criticism )- and describe your concern in terms of how you feel about it, and what worries you, rather than in terms of whatever he might do described in ways that make it sound as though he's upseting you deliberately.
You know ? Rather than saying : "You never pay attention to my feelings", you could say : " WHen I'm feeling bad, I hesitate to mention them because I don't want to upset you to, but I'd like you to undersdtand how I'm feeling, as you might be able to help me."
Rather than saying : "You're always puttin me down", say more concretely, "When you do / say X, I feel put down."

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-03

Often, though some people indeed can be hypersensitive, there's a lot that can be achieved by working on HOW you talk about issues.
Sometimes the tone of voice one uses sounds like whining or demanding to the other person ; sometimes it sounds like a direct criticism and blaming them for anything that's wrong. And of course if you get more emotional and cry, that will put him off - men enerally have difficulty coping with their own emotions, let alone anyone else's.
Try calmly talking about neutral things, for a start ( the welcome death of Osama, the daft hats at the Royal Wedding, whtever ), and then raise one issue important to you, and then discuss it as something that you'd appreciate hearing his advice about ( so he thinks of how to help, not how to defend himself against criticism )- and describe your concern in terms of how you feel about it, and what worries you, rather than in terms of whatever he might do described in ways that make it sound as though he's upseting you deliberately.
You know ? Rather than saying : "You never pay attention to my feelings", you could say : " WHen I'm feeling bad, I hesitate to mention them because I don't want to upset you to, but I'd like you to undersdtand how I'm feeling, as you might be able to help me."
Rather than saying : "You're always puttin me down", say more concretely, "When you do / say X, I feel put down."

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-03

Often, though some people indeed can be hypersensitive, there's a lot that can be achieved by working on HOW you talk about issues.
Sometimes the tone of voice one uses sounds like whining or demanding to the other person ; sometimes it sounds like a direct criticism and blaming them for anything that's wrong. And of course if you get more emotional and cry, that will put him off - men enerally have difficulty coping with their own emotions, let alone anyone else's.
Try calmly talking about neutral things, for a start ( the welcome death of Osama, the daft hats at the Royal Wedding, whtever ), and then raise one issue important to you, and then discuss it as something that you'd appreciate hearing his advice about ( so he thinks of how to help, not how to defend himself against criticism )- and describe your concern in terms of how you feel about it, and what worries you, rather than in terms of whatever he might do described in ways that make it sound as though he's upseting you deliberately.
You know ? Rather than saying : "You never pay attention to my feelings", you could say : " WHen I'm feeling bad, I hesitate to mention them because I don't want to upset you to, but I'd like you to undersdtand how I'm feeling, as you might be able to help me."
Rather than saying : "You're always puttin me down", say more concretely, "When you do / say X, I feel put down."

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-03

Often, though some people indeed can be hypersensitive, there's a lot that can be achieved by working on HOW you talk about issues.
Sometimes the tone of voice one uses sounds like whining or demanding to the other person ; sometimes it sounds like a direct criticism and blaming them for anything that's wrong. And of course if you get more emotional and cry, that will put him off - men enerally have difficulty coping with their own emotions, let alone anyone else's.
Try calmly talking about neutral things, for a start ( the welcome death of Osama, the daft hats at the Royal Wedding, whtever ), and then raise one issue important to you, and then discuss it as something that you'd appreciate hearing his advice about ( so he thinks of how to help, not how to defend himself against criticism )- and describe your concern in terms of how you feel about it, and what worries you, rather than in terms of whatever he might do described in ways that make it sound as though he's upseting you deliberately.
You know ? Rather than saying : "You never pay attention to my feelings", you could say : " WHen I'm feeling bad, I hesitate to mention them because I don't want to upset you to, but I'd like you to undersdtand how I'm feeling, as you might be able to help me."
Rather than saying : "You're always puttin me down", say more concretely, "When you do / say X, I feel put down."

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-03

Often, though some people indeed can be hypersensitive, there's a lot that can be achieved by working on HOW you talk about issues.
Sometimes the tone of voice one uses sounds like whining or demanding to the other person ; sometimes it sounds like a direct criticism and blaming them for anything that's wrong. And of course if you get more emotional and cry, that will put him off - men enerally have difficulty coping with their own emotions, let alone anyone else's.
Try calmly talking about neutral things, for a start ( the welcome death of Osama, the daft hats at the Royal Wedding, whtever ), and then raise one issue important to you, and then discuss it as something that you'd appreciate hearing his advice about ( so he thinks of how to help, not how to defend himself against criticism )- and describe your concern in terms of how you feel about it, and what worries you, rather than in terms of whatever he might do described in ways that make it sound as though he's upseting you deliberately.
You know ? Rather than saying : "You never pay attention to my feelings", you could say : " WHen I'm feeling bad, I hesitate to mention them because I don't want to upset you to, but I'd like you to undersdtand how I'm feeling, as you might be able to help me."
Rather than saying : "You're always puttin me down", say more concretely, "When you do / say X, I feel put down."

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement