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Question
Posted by: Cecile | 2011-07-15

Can''t speak up

I found out in January my partner has been lying to me ever since we met. He his very active on dating websides meeting other women. I have caught him several times on these sides without him knowing, He slip one time something to me that made me aware of what he is doing so i went to check it out and there he was, i chatted him up and he was very earger to send his photo to me. I did it again very month since just changing my details ect. I have been walking around knowing this and acting if everything is fine with our relationship.
It''s starting to eat me up and i dont know how to confront him i dont have the guts or to leave him. He always tells me how much he loves me and i''m his world, and i fall for it everytime. He always have his phone switch off, and his reason is he don''t want to be botherd by work when he is with me. I have such a low self esteem and confidence. Please help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What on earth is the point of acting as though this wasn't happening, and as though you didn't know ? Abandon the fashionable idea or word of "confrontation" and simply talk calmly to him about it - tell him you were suspicious and checked and discovered what he has been doing, and you don't like it at all. Ask why, if he loves you as much as he says, he feels any need to flirt with others. As for his excuse about not wanting to be "bothered" by work calls - does he really have any sort of job in which it would be likely that his actual work would call him up at nights and weekends on urgent work matters ? If this was indeed expected of him, he'd get into trouble for turning his phone off.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2011-07-15

Why oh why do we put up with this kind of nonsense. I am not judging because I do exactly the same. Are we that needy and insecure about outselves that we are so dependant on somebody else to make us who we are? How do I get out of this destructive cycle of taking a man''s cr@p because I am scared to be alone? Anything is better than being alone? Why oh why oh why?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Megan | 2011-07-15

Gosh, I really admire your ability to act like everything is OK! When I am upset, now matter how well I try, I cannot hide it! But, my advice would be to dump him! It may just be flirting now, but then when he sees he isn''t going to be caught, it will move to actually meeting the people, then seeing them regularly, then to having a sexual relationship with them and then putting you at risk. I know exactly what you mean that you are too scared to leave- you have become to dependant on him. Perhaps speak to a close friend, someone who won''t judge the situation and ask them if you can stay with them for a few days. Then, once that is sorted out, talk to your boyfriend, tell him you know what he''s been up to because he''s been flirting with you the whole time. Explain to him how it''s made you feel and that you feel you need a break (and you don''t even have to be telling the truth, just play him). While at your friends house, do what you have been doing with the fake accounts and see if he carries on with his nonsense knowing that you know. If he does, then I am sorry but you deserve better. If he doesn''t, then you can believe him when he says he loves you. Because really, some men do love one woman with all their heart, but they flirt (my husband is a flirt, but I know he would walk through mountains for me). And you say you have no self esteem and no confidence, but just letting him carry on is not going to help you with that. And, you''d be AMAZED at how confident you feel when you know you''ve got the upper hand! If he says he loves you, please don''t go, etc, then listen but don''t show emotion because he will pick that up and try sweet talk you into staying. You can feel good because of the things he says, but it will never make up for what he is doing in the chatrooms. Please keep me updated- so interested to know.

Reply to Megan
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-07-15

What on earth is the point of acting as though this wasn't happening, and as though you didn't know ? Abandon the fashionable idea or word of "confrontation" and simply talk calmly to him about it - tell him you were suspicious and checked and discovered what he has been doing, and you don't like it at all. Ask why, if he loves you as much as he says, he feels any need to flirt with others. As for his excuse about not wanting to be "bothered" by work calls - does he really have any sort of job in which it would be likely that his actual work would call him up at nights and weekends on urgent work matters ? If this was indeed expected of him, he'd get into trouble for turning his phone off.

Reply to cybershrink

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