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Question
Posted by: nikki | 2010/11/29

can''t speak up...

hi all! I have an issue, every time I need to speak up about stuff bothering me, I seem to fail to be able to do.. For instance, my nanny had a baby recently, and I told her for the first couple of months she can bring her baby along as she is breast feeding, but now it is school holiday and seeing thta her baby is taking a lot of her time in the day, I want to tell her that she needs to take her to the nanny, but jusy can''''''''t seem to SAY it to her! I can easily TXT it, but don t want to be like that. I find it very easy to talk straight to my family, but when it comes to any outsider, my heart start to beat fast and I just ca''''''''t find my words! It s like I am scared of the other person''''''''s reaction! I am 29 and really want to change this, but how??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As Liza coments, this sounds very like Social Anxiety Disorder ( like a more severe than usual form of shyness ), and responds really well to CBT. You seem to be describing some difficulties in being assertive. Its is a bit difficult when your nan ny needs a nanny. Can't you discuss it with her, on the lines of asking whether she isn't finding this arrangement rather difficult, as she is spending so much time caring for her own child, that there's not so much time to do the job she is being paid for ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nia | 2010/11/29

Hi - I just want to say that I have the exact same problem. I would not describe it as a " disorder"  that needs therapy at all. To me it is more a case of not wanting to say things that I know people wont be happy about in order to keep the peace, even if I know I am being reasonable.

Unfortunately, what often happens is that once you do say what you want to say, you have been pondering about it so long and it is really bothering you so much that it all comes out the wrong way, just making the message worse! And then Ifeel bad afterwards for saying what I did. This is especially hard when the receiver of the message is grumpy afterwards and treating you grumpy.

My only suggestion is to " break"  the news slowly and give sufficient notice. So, plan how you are going to state the message without making the person feel bad or inadequate and then " warn"  her ahead of time that things will change. For example have a discussion with her and tell her that you are happy that she managed to do her work while the baby was with her, but then explain that you will need her total dedication from a certain time onwards and that she will need to make other plans. Give her sufficient time to make other plans, dont just expect her to have a plan from the next day. That is the best advice I have to offer.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: Nia | 2010/11/29

Hi - I just want to say that I have the exact same problem. I would not describe it as a " disorder"  that needs therapy at all. To me it is more a case of not wanting to say things that I know people wont be happy about in order to keep the peace, even if I know I am being reasonable.

Unfortunately, what often happens is that once you do say what you want to say, you have been pondering about it so long and it is really bothering you so much that it all comes out the wrong way, just making the message worse! And then Ifeel bad afterwards for saying what I did. This is especially hard when the receiver of the message is grumpy afterwards and treating you grumpy.

My only suggestion is to " break"  the news slowly and give sufficient notice. So, plan how you are going to state the message without making the person feel bad or inadequate and then " warn"  her ahead of time that things will change. For example have a discussion with her and tell her that you are happy that she managed to do her work while the baby was with her, but then explain that you will need her total dedication from a certain time onwards and that she will need to make other plans. Give her sufficient time to make other plans, dont just expect her to have a plan from the next day. That is the best advice I have to offer.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: Liza | 2010/11/29

It''s called Social Anxiety. CBT-style therapy works wonders for this kind of thing and more. Contact the Depression and Anxiety group helpline - they will be able to give you the details of an affordable therapist close to you (both private and state).

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/29

As Liza coments, this sounds very like Social Anxiety Disorder ( like a more severe than usual form of shyness ), and responds really well to CBT. You seem to be describing some difficulties in being assertive. Its is a bit difficult when your nan ny needs a nanny. Can't you discuss it with her, on the lines of asking whether she isn't finding this arrangement rather difficult, as she is spending so much time caring for her own child, that there's not so much time to do the job she is being paid for ?

Reply to cybershrink

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