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Question
Posted by: Gareth | 2011/10/20

Can''t reach out

Dear CS
I have a wondrful intelligent woman in my life. She stepped into my life when I needed her and has helped me through so many difiiculties. I often feel that my life would mean very little without her. However, when we have an argument, I cut her off (which she hates) although I know how much it hurts her. She had left me over this before and carried on with her life to make a success though she said it hurt her so much that she never thought she would forgive me but she did. Now again I am not there to support her but I cannot bring myself to contact her first. I lie awake thinking about her and she is on my mind all the time. She loves me but always seems to be willing to contact me first but I also know deep down that one day she will again just leave and this time not take me back. She is all I ever wanted but I do think that she can easily do better than me. It is like I am expecting her to leave me some day anyway and then I tempt fate. What is wrong with me? Why cant I just accept that we will fight but that I should also do my bit to make up? I know she will get tired and never come back because she also has her pride. My ex-wife accepted all my nonsense but in the end didnt really love me anymore - she stopped caring.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How much luckier can a man be, thn to have an intelligent woman in his life ! You describe WHAT you do when there's a quarrel, but not why, as it hurts her and is of no value to you, to do so. Why on earth haven't the pair of you worked with a couples counsellor, to sort out this maladaptive pattern ? Individual counselling in addition, could help you work out why you adopt so many self-defeating habits and to change them to more fruitful ways of relating to her and others.
Why play coy games, insisting on waiting for her to contact you first ? what do you gain from doing that ? But instead of waiting round debating this, just go ahead and contact her, and see what happens. work towards working with a counsellor together to avoid pushing her into not caring for you

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Our users say:
Posted by: Wife | 2011/10/20

I think being the second wife is not easy (from the wife''s perspective), because I now feel I''m paying for the supposed bad deeds of the first wife.

When we were still dating, he would make an appointment to meet, then no show and he didn''t expect me to be upset, otherwise I''d be reminded about the sufferings from his previous marriage, just so to avoid arguing. In time he changed cause I took my stand also and told him I''m not his ex, so he need to treat me as me. It''s now all coming back.

Reply to Wife
Posted by: JR | 2011/10/20

You push away, because it is easier than having to deal with rejection and you are expecting the rejection. Also, you are selling yourself short.

She loves you. Accept it, you are the man she has chosen. If she did not want you, she would be with somebody else.

Making the first move, contact her. Dont repeat the nonsense from your marriage again. IF she is worth keeping, which is what you are saying since you are singing her praises, then, sticlk your pride in your pocket and phone her. NOW.

Reply to JR
Posted by: Wife | 2011/10/20

You sound like my husband. He does all what you''re doing with out being provoked. One minute he''s loving and the next he''s distant and can go on for days without talking.

Reply to Wife
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/20

How much luckier can a man be, thn to have an intelligent woman in his life ! You describe WHAT you do when there's a quarrel, but not why, as it hurts her and is of no value to you, to do so. Why on earth haven't the pair of you worked with a couples counsellor, to sort out this maladaptive pattern ? Individual counselling in addition, could help you work out why you adopt so many self-defeating habits and to change them to more fruitful ways of relating to her and others.
Why play coy games, insisting on waiting for her to contact you first ? what do you gain from doing that ? But instead of waiting round debating this, just go ahead and contact her, and see what happens. work towards working with a counsellor together to avoid pushing her into not caring for you

Reply to cybershrink

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