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Question
Posted by: confused | 2011-08-15

Can''t get over my ex

I am so confused.
I recently saw a photo of my ex on facebook. I have not seen him for 9 years.
13 years ago I fell pregnant with his child (we were both 21 at the time) and due to certain circumstances I had an abortion. It seemed like he was able to put it behind him, when I still carry the guilt with me and the regret.
I know I will never get closure from him and that I must deal with it to be able to move on with my life. I am married to an amazing man and we are trying to start a family. I often feel my guilt and regret are preventing us being successful. The other problem is that I dont have any sexual attraction to my husband and I feel part of this is that I loved my ex so much and the way it all ended has prevented me from giving my heart completely to my husband.
I dont quite know how to go on from here.. I wish I could talk things over with my ex to hear how he feels about it all (he pushed me away completely afterwards and we no longer speak) but I realise in all probability it will not happen. I also still have very strong feelings for him which I dont know whether it is love or if it is just because there was no closure and because of the intensity of the situation we were in.
Can you advise what I can do? My husband does know of the past and he is very supportive but I dont want to admit that I still have feelings for my ex as I do not want to hurt him in any way.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Presumably the photo of your ex didn't just magically appear when you were on facebook - were you actively looking for information or pix of him ? If so, isn't that the primary problem ?
Shouldn't you be seeing, as you should earlier on, a psychologist / counsellor, to deal with your feelings about the relationship, the breakup, and the abortion ?
Never allow "closure" to become the gift of someone else. It is you who needs to close the door on that phase of life, not him.
Dealing successful with the emotional hangover from this previous sad relationship may indeed help you to not only be happier in your marriage, but more successful in achieving pregnancy.
How your ex feels about things is actually irrelevant - it's how you choose to feel about it that matters. His behaviour confirms that you are NOT going to have a relationship, let alone a happy one, with him. And to even dream unrealistic fantasies of this is unfair to your husband and yourself.
The inconvenient feelings that trouble you may appear to be love, but are probabl something more complex than that.
See a personal counsellor and work through your kound of unfinished business, and then maybe even marriage counselling once you have achieved that

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Wesley | 2011-08-16

I so agree with HH, i don''t think in respect to your loving husband would it be fare at all if you had even the slightest affection towards ur ex stil. jeah you loved him alot but dont you think your present husband needs the love now. focus on the now and future. p.s I lost my child through an abortion and im also still living with that pain(just thought to let you know your not alone).

Reply to Wesley
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-08-16

Presumably the photo of your ex didn't just magically appear when you were on facebook - were you actively looking for information or pix of him ? If so, isn't that the primary problem ?
Shouldn't you be seeing, as you should earlier on, a psychologist / counsellor, to deal with your feelings about the relationship, the breakup, and the abortion ?
Never allow "closure" to become the gift of someone else. It is you who needs to close the door on that phase of life, not him.
Dealing successful with the emotional hangover from this previous sad relationship may indeed help you to not only be happier in your marriage, but more successful in achieving pregnancy.
How your ex feels about things is actually irrelevant - it's how you choose to feel about it that matters. His behaviour confirms that you are NOT going to have a relationship, let alone a happy one, with him. And to even dream unrealistic fantasies of this is unfair to your husband and yourself.
The inconvenient feelings that trouble you may appear to be love, but are probabl something more complex than that.
See a personal counsellor and work through your kound of unfinished business, and then maybe even marriage counselling once you have achieved that

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: confused | 2011-08-15

Thanks HH
You are right.. there is no way that I will contact my ex. I will not open that door again. I also would not dream of cheating on my husband. I do love him.. I think it is just the past that is holding me back.

Reply to confused
Posted by: HH | 2011-08-15

The reason you feel you still love ths man is simply because you can''t have him, that how the devil works. the one you are suppose to be so inlove with you feel as if you are not atracted to the person anymore so you can commite udultery.

Dnt even try to contact this guy, if you feel you need closure go speak to a priest if you have one, speak to a counsellor or simply pray about it. The fact that you maried your husband shuld mean you felt something for him, we dnt just marry ppl over nyt.

Gud luck

Reply to HH

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