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Question
Posted by: kabelo | 2010/05/25

can''t forgive nor forget

hi, this was your reply to my statement posted to you:" If I understand you, when you started going with him, and even chose to have a child with him, you knew about the ex gf and his child with her. If so, you don''t really have a right to become upset about it now. And if he keeps contact with the child ( and, necessarily, then, with the ex ) that shows rather better behaviour on his side - you surely wouldn t expect him to abandon the child ?
Now, him having affairs with other women suggests this is a guy with little real respect for women or for his relationships with them, and you need to understand that he isn''t likely to change.
Throwing boiling water over him and burning him is a serious asault, and way out of proportion to what he did which bothered you. Why would you expect him to forgive and forget such a painful assault ?
Why do you persist in wanting to continue a relaionship with him ? And why would any lady want to " check up on him"  ? But you talk about wanting to end your relationship with him, which suggests in some way you think it isn''t broken off yet - yet you talk about happily going with other men.
Are you complaining that he tries to keep contact with his child by you ? How does he " force"  you to let him buy groceries - and is it really an awful thing if he buys you things he sees you and the child do not have, even though he can''t be earning much ?
You don''t trust him ( understandably ) and don''t want him to touch anything - he you still " love"  him. What is it you love about him ? You don''t mention anything you find loveable.
You dont want him to come round, and yet get worried if he doesn''t come round ?
Maybe you should see a counsellor to work out what you actually want, and how to get there from here, as at present this all sounds very confused.
As I said years ago, if you don''t decide where you''re going, you will probably end up somewhere else "  please see my response again below:
- yes i knew about the ex gf and the child and am not upset about anything regarding that. so what you telling me is that i shud allow my fiance'' to go shopping with the ex?
- i don''t expect him to abdon the child. what i expected from him was to buy the child a cell phone as she is older now and can keep contact with her on that cell phone. not to call the mother of the child where they end up in a " how''s the weather conversation"  and them ending up meeting with each other and him buying his ex clothes. shud i feel ok with it as well?
- i don''t expect him to forgive me from throwing boiled water at him cause it will be a lesson to him not to invite girls in my house
- i''m not persisting to continue the relationship. he is the one persisting to continue the relationship as he " can''t live and he is nothing without me in his life" 
- according to him, our relationship is still good enough but just needs little attention which he''s going to work on
- i don''t to other men, i''m just interested in other men because i want someone to be with and someone whom i can put my trust in
- i get worried if he doesn''t check up on me because i think he might be busy flirting or rather inviting other girls to his mom''s place where he is currently staying now yet he keeps on telling me that he wants to move back again with me and start all over again.
- you are correct when you say i''m confused that''s why i decided to write to you guys and seek further help. as going to a councellor never helped before.
- i''ve decided to out of the relationship and end up being somewhere but rather with him.
please reply with a positive answer

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If the child i old enough tom use a cellphone he could chat to the child that way, but to arrange visits, etc., should speak to the mother who needs to know where hernchild is.
There's no good reason for him to buy anything like clothes for his ex herself, except perhaps if she is now so poor she can't dress herself properly.
Why does he still have a key for your house so he can let other girls into it ? You could take that key back, or have the locks changed.
Sorry to hear you've had disappointing experiences with a counsellor previously. Maybe you need to persist to find the right counsellor for you ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/25

If the child i old enough tom use a cellphone he could chat to the child that way, but to arrange visits, etc., should speak to the mother who needs to know where hernchild is.
There's no good reason for him to buy anything like clothes for his ex herself, except perhaps if she is now so poor she can't dress herself properly.
Why does he still have a key for your house so he can let other girls into it ? You could take that key back, or have the locks changed.
Sorry to hear you've had disappointing experiences with a counsellor previously. Maybe you need to persist to find the right counsellor for you ?

Reply to cybershrink

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