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Question
Posted by: Candy | 2010-11-08

Can''t decide to stay in marraige or quit

I have a sexless marraige. Everything else is pretty normal  my husband loves me with his whole being, he calls me " sexy"  all the time, mornings and evenings I get a nice peck on the mouth or cheek. And I like him, a lot, as a great friend and a fabulous person. Its not bad being married to him - we do all kinds of wonderful stuff together and agree on all things in life, so there never is any conflict. Except the sex. He doesn''t do it for me. Been 15 years now, and we can go through the physical act of sex, but there is no " passion"  and kissing, its just like putting it in and there we go, and then its over. And then I feel like I''m having sex with my brother. I don''t even want to try to make it better. Now I have to decide. Do I accept this peaceful sexless marraige, or do I divorce him and find somebody who will make me feel like a woman? Someone who will grab me and kiss me with tongue, and will go down on me, and know how to make a woman orgasm, things I can only dream of since I got married. But then, if I choose to be so selfish, I will destroy my best friend, my husband''s life. He lives for me, and I am sure he will die if I tell him I need to move on. How do I decide whether to sacrifice my desires to keep my husband happy, or to persue my desires and ruin my best friend''s life in the process. I''m 36 and the thought of both options make me think about suicide. Any advice will be appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Candy, I have read some of the replies (yours and others') to this post and found myself wondering why you are not interested in working on the sex side anymore given that you don't want to be either 'selfish' (I call it 'self interested', which we all have to be at times, sometimes causing pain to others) or to 'ruin your best friend's life? I wonder what you have done thus far to explore whether it is infact possible to feel sexually attracted to him (I am assuming you must have done something; just not sure what... - if you would like to respond to this, please do so in a new post as I am only alerted to new posts and don't have the time to follow up on previous posts....)

There are several things you say that I challenge: (1) if is selfish of you to seek such fulfillment, is it also not 'selfish' of your 'best friend' to not encourage you to fulfill this need you have? (2) are you certain you will 'ruin' your husband's life - whilst divorce can be traumatic and cause substantial distress, I wonder whether it is in fact likely to 'ruin his life' - this could be catastrophic thinking that binds you to him rather than chosing to be with him.

I would encourage you to seek support in couple's counselling - suicide would be tragic and unnecessary option given that you could both survive and thrive whatever decision you take.

Claire - SASHA

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lolo | 2010-11-26

I just discovered few days after my wedding that my hubby is HIV positive. I am HIV negative myself and we always played it safe as we were still waiting for the test results.

Reply to lolo
Posted by: BMW | 2010-11-11

Well done Mary - very healthy and level-headed attitude. At least this way, you will not have the regrets that come later when it is too late. You are showing a mature approach to your marraige. I wish you only the best

Reply to BMW
Posted by: Mary | 2010-11-11

You guys have said a mouth full. My situation is the same as Candy but after reading your comments I think I would rather go buy toys than leave him. Thank you guys.

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Woman | 2010-11-10

Candy, Married life ebbs and flows. Sometimes sex is great, sometimes it''s a drag. Life isn''t always exciting, it just happens - good and bad. If you want the quality of your relationship to change and improve, you need to be on the same page as your husband i.t.o. where your lives are going, where the two of you are going spiritually, financially, career wise. When all these things are in balance, then your sex life will be good. When things go out of balance, that''s where the problems start.

Look at your relationship holistically, maybe you find the answer to your question in a place where you weren''t looking at all!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Lego | 2010-11-10

I agree with some of the comments above. Your husband seems to be a very good man and father. Stay with him and work on the sex. I also agree to some extend with BMW. Some women have this idea of the perfect man. This husband is not perfect but may be the closest to one yet. He has this one flaw, and she wants to leave him! Count your blessings Candy.

Reply to Lego
Posted by: ZeeZee | 2010-11-10

I think you watch too many movies. Sex is not like in the movies. No grabbing and kissing and lust and stuff.... Sex is comfortable and not all a marraige is about. Thank God for your great hubby. He loves you, respects you, is your best friend, etc etc etc??? What more can a women want? Get a vibrator.....

Reply to ZeeZee
Posted by: BMWFan | 2010-11-10

I agree with BMW.

Women always complain that all the decent good guys are either married or gay.

Once they find one (like candy did) they find a small problem and want to go back to the " bad boys" .

Grow up. Marriage is not a piece of paper. You have to work on it. Remember that promise you made? For better or worse?

If you leave your husband and I was him, I would never take you back when you come crawling back....

Reply to BMWFan
Posted by: lynne | 2010-11-10

AHA are you saying then that your wife is like candy and you dont want or like sex and that is why you are moving on??

Reply to lynne
Posted by: Aha | 2010-11-10

I feel my wife is like you. Now i am moving on.

Reply to Aha
Posted by: Toyota | 2010-11-09

I think you need to take a trip to Lola Montez and get stocked up with some toys and make it more interesting. This is for both of you btw - good trustworthy husbands are not in abundance these days!

Reply to Toyota
Posted by: BMW | 2010-11-09

So HAHA, you don''t like it if someone has an opinion which does not agree with yours? I was not rude, I was direct as I think Candy is horribly ungrateful for the good husband she has. Sex might be the cement in your opinion, but it is NOT the foundation that marraige is built on. Respect, love, consideration, loyalty, kindness etc - THOSE are the important things and Candy''s husband seems to have those in abundance!

Reply to BMW
Posted by: HAHA | 2010-11-09

BMW Your Comment is not what Candy need
I would just like to tell BMW what the doctor told us Love is the foundation everything els is the bricks &  Sex is the Cement that keeps the bricks together so please go &  be rude some were els

Reply to HAHA
Posted by: Dido | 2010-11-09

Maybe He is your brother afterall! (this things happen)

Reply to Dido
Posted by: BMW | 2010-11-09

Ai, I don''t understand women, I have just realised again. Most women beg to have a relationship like yours, with SO MANY positives - a faithful, loving, decent, adoring husband! But you are unhappy because your sex-life is not what YOU think it should be. Do him a favour and leave him, PLEASE. Find a hot guy who will give you the BEST sex you ever had and make you feel like the woman you think you deserve and he will also probably do the same to all your friends and his female colleagues as well. I know many women in abusive relationships, but because of the great sex, they stay. yet they wish they could " just have a decent guy who loves me for who I am" . (My daughter is one). Leave him Candy - you don''t deserve him. Leave NOW.

Reply to BMW
Posted by: Mo | 2010-11-09

hi candy.dont quit as yet,u need to start something that he doesn''t know that u like,when he come home from work ,he going to have dinner with u and he going to also have a shower,
be prepared,as he taking a shower join him,give a bit of tast and leave,get the oils and give him sensual massage and take from there...let me or i tell another way?

Reply to Mo
Posted by: Waco | 2010-11-09

Candy, Inotice that you say you " LIKE"  him a lot, you don''t mention love from your side. It is not allways wise to marry your best friend, thinking that you may fall in love or grow to love him. If this is the case, and after 15 years you still concider him only a friend, then it will be the best to go your seperate ways. You can still remain friends, but you really need the love, affection and the sexual desire from your partner to make ot work. If you love him then you can try councillig and he has to start showing more feeling other wise it is being selfish and it just won''t work.

Reply to Waco
Posted by: Bozo | 2010-11-09

Candy, Why dont you print your posting and some of the answers here and give it to your hubby.Clearly this will make him see how the sex or non sex in this case is effecting you.
You did mention that he lives for you, so there is no reason for him not to try and rock your world.

Reply to Bozo
Posted by: Andrea | 2010-11-09

What are you going to do Candy? Do you think that you have it in you to leave him?

Reply to Andrea
Posted by: Candy | 2010-11-08

Haha. No, but in my imagination it probably is a very akward, non-sensual experience. A bit like rape, without the voilence.. Why, have you?

Reply to Candy
Posted by: outofinterest | 2010-11-08

erm have you had sex with your brother?

Reply to outofinterest
Posted by: Andrea | 2010-11-08

Sorry - my wife just lays there and there is no kissing, fondling , touching etc, she just wants to get it over and done with - wham bam thank you mam. It only happens like once in 2 months that is if i am lucky.

Reply to Andrea
Posted by: Candy | 2010-11-08

Yes, and he feels so bad about it. And he gets extremely upset if I even mention divorce. But like I said, I don''t even want to work on the sex any more. 15 years have been enough, and its feels like having sex with my brother..

Reply to Candy
Posted by: Candy | 2010-11-08

Yes, and he feels so bad about it. And he gets extremely upset if I even mention divorce. But like I said, I don''t even want to work on the sex any more. 15 years have been enough, and its feels like having sex with my brother..

Reply to Candy
Posted by: Andrea | 2010-11-08

Have to spoken to him about how you feel?

Reply to Andrea
Posted by: Andrea | 2010-11-08

Sorry - maybe in your situation it is better ( i mean its easier when no kids are involved).

Reply to Andrea
Posted by: Candy | 2010-11-08

No, never felt right having kids with him!

Reply to Candy
Posted by: Andrea | 2010-11-08

Sorry to hear about your situation. Its a difficult one although i am in sort of a similiar situation. Do you guys have any kids?

Reply to Andrea
Posted by: Sexologist | 2010-11-08

Candy, I have read some of the replies (yours and others') to this post and found myself wondering why you are not interested in working on the sex side anymore given that you don't want to be either 'selfish' (I call it 'self interested', which we all have to be at times, sometimes causing pain to others) or to 'ruin your best friend's life? I wonder what you have done thus far to explore whether it is infact possible to feel sexually attracted to him (I am assuming you must have done something; just not sure what... - if you would like to respond to this, please do so in a new post as I am only alerted to new posts and don't have the time to follow up on previous posts....)

There are several things you say that I challenge: (1) if is selfish of you to seek such fulfillment, is it also not 'selfish' of your 'best friend' to not encourage you to fulfill this need you have? (2) are you certain you will 'ruin' your husband's life - whilst divorce can be traumatic and cause substantial distress, I wonder whether it is in fact likely to 'ruin his life' - this could be catastrophic thinking that binds you to him rather than chosing to be with him.

I would encourage you to seek support in couple's counselling - suicide would be tragic and unnecessary option given that you could both survive and thrive whatever decision you take.

Claire - SASHA

Reply to Sexologist

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