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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/18

Cant be in The same room

Hi CS

I cant be in the same room as my Ex with out been very verbally abusive and going into a cold sweat. I can talk to him over a phone or skype and dont have a problem. The problem is we have to have a meeting with the lawyers together next week and I cant see my self staying calm. Been in Therapy since the break up 4 years ago

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Good grief, if your reaction to him is still so extreme, what on earth has your therapist been doing for 4 years ? 4 years is an extremely long time to remain in therapy is an effective technique is being used, and one would not expect an issue lie this to remain so potent that you really feel unable to control, yourself even through a relatively short meeting with the ex and lawyers. Maybe you need a second opinion from a fresh therapist ?
As Sr suggests, by allowing yourself to remain so sensitive to him, you give power to him to upset you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Zola | 2008/07/18

I was also in the same boat. I could not stand my ex. Even thinking of him spoiled my entire day. Until I realised that I was eating the poison and expecting HIM to die. The day I chose to forgive him and forgive myself I felt so much peace.

Because we have kids together, we will always have to talk to organise visitations and I will have to forgive many more times. For example, last week he accused me of abusing the kids in an attempt to take them away from me. I was very upset but I took it all to God in prayer and then CHOSE to forgive him.

The thing is you have to CHOSE to forgive, it does not come automatically. And forgiving does not mean what he did was right, it means you choose not to be imprisoned by resentment - it does not benefit you to resent a person it only hurts you.

Reply to Zola
Posted by: sadi | 2008/07/18

First, fire your therapist!! Get a new therapist, get a new life, get over your ex. You have already wasted four years of your life, and that worrying about your EX. Your ex is not doing anything to you, you are doing it to yourself. Move on!!

Reply to sadi
Posted by: Me | 2008/07/18

Kendra, I think because they have to see a lawyer together...

Reply to Me
Posted by: Kendra | 2008/07/18

Why the hell do you still want to be in contact with him if he is your ex???

Reply to Kendra
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/07/18

There are two very straightforward questions you can ask yourself, and when answered sincerely they can move most destructive relationship challenges toward healing and change for the better. First, ask yourself “ What am I doing to contribute to the problem and how can I change my behavior?”  When asked and answered by both partners, this always creates a new direction. Second, ask yourself “ Is my current behavior creating closeness or distance in the relationship?”  If the answer is distance (which, oftentimes, is indeed the answer for many of us), you need to reevaluate the way you are relating and communicating with your partner.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Lin | 2008/07/18

Maybe go for a couple of divorce counselling sessions together to work through the anger.

Reply to Lin
Posted by: SR | 2008/07/18

Its because you are still very hateful and resentful towards him and he still has power over you

You need to take back the power

Reply to SR

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