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Question
Posted by: kabelo | 2010/05/25

Cannot forgive

i can''t forgive nor forget the hurt my fiance'' caused me. He has a child with his ex girlfriend then left her for me. then in 2008, i expected his baby. during that time him &  the ex kept contact with each other &  worst of all he had affairs with other girls behind my back. i found out about the situations and thought i shud forgive him as the affairs were going on with me being away at that point of time. i talked to him that i don''t like it when he kept contact with his exs, but he is even continuing to do that today. after certain months before i gave birth to his child, they met to buy their child''s clothing together for the festive seasons- and kept it from me - then i found out that he also bought the lady clothing too.when i asked him, he refused and only told me the truth a year later. he also admitted that he also invited the lady to our house to visit him and they then kissed. i had a big fight with him that i ended up throwing boiled water at him and he was burned. that his mother came over to our house and told her child to move out of our house and to take whatever he bought in the house. he took everything starting from the tv sets that he bought to his mug. i begged asked him to forgive me and to come back to me but he refused and that was in 2009. to my surprise, her exs were still keeping contact with him together with the mother of his first child. when i asked him he would admit that they are checking on him. i decided to end the relationsip but he is always refusing to. at present he has a daily driving job where he transports cashiers from the tall gates whom tends out to all be women. out of 10 women, he has contact with only 3 of them and saved this 3 names to his phone. these ladies keeps on contacting him. if i ask him he would tell me that they were just checking up on him. i again suggested to end the relationship for him to have freedom of who he wants to be with - but he still refuses. i don''t have feeling for him anymore, he irritates me all the time, and am much better of without him by my side. i more than happy when i''m with other men but him. when i look at him i just get frustrated and don''t want to talk to him. he''s keen on knowing what i''m up to and i am just not interested talking to him with anything but only if the baby needs something that he can help with or if the baby''s sick. he still leaves with his mom but he brought back half of the items that he took from our house during our fight. he no longer has a job but this tranport one which he only goes to during the night. i''m still frustrated of all the things he did to me and continuously asking him to leave me &  the child alone but he refuses. he forces to sleep over my house and forces to buy me groceries that he sees is not there. he says he will never leave me in a million years but what is confusing is that he keeps contact with new girls he meets which i don''t like. i basically don''t trust this guy anymore and whatever he''s willing to do in the house isn''t appreciated by me. i don''t want him to touch anything in my house and expect him to leave the house immediately whenever i also leave to work or anywhere else. i have a fear that he might invite his ex or the girls he keeps contact with to my house when i''m not there. i know i love him but can''t stand the thought that he keeps contact with different women, young and old. i get worried if he doesn''t call or come by to check up on us but on the same hand i give him a cold shoulder &  don''t answer the phone whenever he decided to call. i don''t want to be a single parent, would like to have a happy family &  don''t want my baby to grow up without her biological father by her side. i''ve tried meditating, reading books, speaking to older people regarding my problem but nothing seems to help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If I understand you, when you started going with him, and even chose to have a child with him, you knew about the ex gf and his child with her. If so, you don't really have a right to become upset about it now. And if he keeps contact with the child ( and, necessarily, then, with the ex ) that shows rather better behaviour on his side - you surely wouldn;t expect him to abandon the child ?
Now, him having affairs with other women suggests this is a guy with little real respect for women or for his relationships with them, and you need to understand that he isn't likely to change.
Throwing boiling water over him and burning him is a serious asault, and way out of proportion to what he did which bothered you. Why would you expect him to forgive and forget such a painful assault ?
Why do you persist in wanting to continue a relaionship with him ? And why would any lady want to "check up on him" ? But you talk about wanting to end your relationship with him, which suggests in some way you think it isn't broken off yet - yet you talk about happily going with other men.
Are you complaining that he tries to keep contact with his child by you ? How does he "force" you to let him buy groceries - and is it really an awful thing if he buys you things he sees you and the child do not have, even though he can't be earning much ?
You don't trust him ( understandably ) and don't want him to touch anything - he you still "love" him. What is it you love about him ? You don't mention anything you find loveable.
You dont want him to come round, and yet get worried if he doesn't come round ?
Maybe you should see a counsellor to work out what you actually want, and how to get there from here, as at present this all sounds very confused.
As I said years ago, if you don't decide where you're going, you will probably end up somewhere else

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Rama | 2010/05/27

Mine did the same, went to the ex, by then I infected him I guess he infected the ex. So they must both deal with it, I am tired of him. Whether he goes to her or not, I can less of late. As long as he is at home whenever I need him, thats ok. I am really tired of him.

Reply to Rama
Posted by: Banana | 2010/05/26

Run forest run, he will never change

Reply to Banana
Posted by: Motshabi | 2010/05/25

Girl, ive been there - all i can say is run a mile before contracting the HIVirus!!!

Reply to Motshabi
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/25

If I understand you, when you started going with him, and even chose to have a child with him, you knew about the ex gf and his child with her. If so, you don't really have a right to become upset about it now. And if he keeps contact with the child ( and, necessarily, then, with the ex ) that shows rather better behaviour on his side - you surely wouldn;t expect him to abandon the child ?
Now, him having affairs with other women suggests this is a guy with little real respect for women or for his relationships with them, and you need to understand that he isn't likely to change.
Throwing boiling water over him and burning him is a serious asault, and way out of proportion to what he did which bothered you. Why would you expect him to forgive and forget such a painful assault ?
Why do you persist in wanting to continue a relaionship with him ? And why would any lady want to "check up on him" ? But you talk about wanting to end your relationship with him, which suggests in some way you think it isn't broken off yet - yet you talk about happily going with other men.
Are you complaining that he tries to keep contact with his child by you ? How does he "force" you to let him buy groceries - and is it really an awful thing if he buys you things he sees you and the child do not have, even though he can't be earning much ?
You don't trust him ( understandably ) and don't want him to touch anything - he you still "love" him. What is it you love about him ? You don't mention anything you find loveable.
You dont want him to come round, and yet get worried if he doesn't come round ?
Maybe you should see a counsellor to work out what you actually want, and how to get there from here, as at present this all sounds very confused.
As I said years ago, if you don't decide where you're going, you will probably end up somewhere else

Reply to cybershrink

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