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Posted by: Nonnie | 2008/09/26

Can' t trust husband

I have been married for 18 years. During all these years I have often had to deal with my husband' s " affairs" . Well he claims that they were not in fact, affairs. He just got carried away and reacted on the spur of the moment. He blames his genes or curses for this (his dad had 3 wives). Our kids are now almost done with their schooling and I feel that I cannot bear another humiliating experience. I am thinking and have thought about leaving him for so many years, but each time I turn back. Even when he left and lived with another woman, I took him back as " he couldn' t live without his kids" . Every time he says that he has to work late or can' t account for times, I think that he is on it again. It is like living with a drug addict, you never know when a relapse might occur. He claims to be working all the time, but I am not sure. I practically have to beg him to spend time with us, but work is always his excuse. He believes that paying for us to go and entertain ourselves would make up for his absence. I spent some time receiving treatment for depression two months back. He told my therapist that he knows that he is partly to blame as he neglected us. He vowed not to allow it to happen again. I am taking the kids away for the weekend, as usual, without him as he claims that he has to work over the weekend. He hides his cell phone, throws suspicious cash slips away and acts edgy when I call him at work. I am not sure if I am overreacting to all of this. He says that I should let go of the past, but how can I when it happened so many times? It feels as if I am going down on the seesaw again. I tell myself that I should not feel this way, but it is so difficult. How do I mend myself?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Nobody keeps on getting carried way on the spur of the moment --- those are just empty excuses, leaving themselves open to be used again the next time he errs. And it has NOTHING whatever to do with curses or genes --- he is a big baby, refusing to take adult responsibility for his choices and acts. If that doesn't change, his behaviour will not change, ever. There's no reason why you should keep on accepting your humiliation by this selfish man. If he truly "couldn't live without his kids" ( rather than using this as an excuse to get you to take him back again ) he wouldn't behave like this. And he wouldn't work late so often --- he;d prefer to be with those kids as well as with you. He is not "partly" to blame --- he is entirely to blame for his behaviour.
Either accept that he will ALWAYS be like this ( a sad decision and not at all fair to you ) or talk with a counsellor and make plans to move on by yourself with the children, consult a good lawyer about divorce and maintenance, and move foreward to freedom !
You['re not over-reacting, you're under-reacting, and helping to encourage him to continue being unfaithful. Of course he wants to you "forget the past", because that would get him off the hook. Do NOT blame yourself for his selfish and immature behaviour.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Ca | 2008/09/26

Dear Nonnie

I have been there. For 10 of the 19 years marriage I have ahd to put up with a husband who continually had affairs, beat me, called me names, stopped my friends and family coming home, etc. He picked up women on the roadside, casinos and has even persisted on call women who advise cars for sale. My daughter now 18, study and works and my son 13 are emotionally scarred because of this.
I have tried to get counselling and even went to the extent of setting up an apoint but he walked out saying he does not have a problem.
I am also planning to leave him and start a new life with my kids.
We owe to to our selves to change and only we can.
These reduce our self-esteem to such a low that we feel we canot do without them.
You are in control of your life...Make that change...
GOOD LUCK

Reply to Ca
Posted by: Jade | 2008/09/26

Dear Noni, please dont blame yourself for your husband' s behaviour. Him and only him should be accountable for it. On the other hand you are accountable for your life, im in the same situation but a few weeks ago i decided to take things by the horns and deal with it. He does not deserve you, get on with it. Take your chn and enjoy your weekend, he is the one missing out

Reply to Jade

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