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Question
Posted by: Concerend | 2010/02/22

Can not be trusted around children

Hi Doc

I need your help. Something happened this weekend that really upsets me so badly to the point that for the past two nights I could not sleep and I''ve been obsessing about it for the past two days as well.

It was my friends birthday on saturday and we all got together for a " braai" , one of the familiy''s that attended the braai has 14 year old twin daughers. They are really beautiful girls, with great personalities. As kids do on a hot day, they were running around in their swimwear, Bikini''s to be exact, and they were in and out of the swimming pool.

One of the male guests made the rudest comments - in my mind he was going on like a pedofile. Other guests saw this as well and everyone felt uncomfortable, my husband even commented on it. He even tried to swim with them, we got him out of the pool, as we did not want him near the kids. The weird thing is that this guy is also rugby fanatic - the type that does not miss a game - he wanted to swim with them while his team was playing . This friend is a father as well, he has a baby boy of almost two years old.

I do believe that his behaviour was not apropriate, we dont have children, but all our other friends have kids and everyone who saw his behaviour said that they will not trust him to come near their children. To be honest i would not either.

I was molested as a child, so I clearly have very strong feelings about this. I dont know what to do. His wife is a very good friend of mine, should I chat to her about it? Should I get my husband to chat to him?

I dont know what to do? I

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Presumably he was drunk a the time - which doesn't excuse his behaviour, vulgar and offensive a best ; but perhaps this aspect of him may only show itself when he's disinhibited by alcohol. It would seem very fair for you to chat sympathetically with his wife, about how everyone found his behaviour then to be offensive and worrying, and how you sympathize that it must have been embarrassing for her - and see what she thinks about it. This may be a more effective approach, before your husband tries chatting to him about it.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Gracie | 2010/02/23

Oh dear & mdash  I would be very worried about having this man around young girls & mdash & mdash  drunk or sober. We had a friend who used to touch his daughter inappropriately when he was drunk and his wife only found out long after it happened. She (the wife) withdrew from the circle of friends completely and we hardly ever see them due to her fear that he will touch other children when he drinks alcohol. I feel so sorry for the wife in such a situation as it is not something a woman wants to hear about her husband. Good luck!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/22

Presumably he was drunk a the time - which doesn't excuse his behaviour, vulgar and offensive a best ; but perhaps this aspect of him may only show itself when he's disinhibited by alcohol. It would seem very fair for you to chat sympathetically with his wife, about how everyone found his behaviour then to be offensive and worrying, and how you sympathize that it must have been embarrassing for her - and see what she thinks about it. This may be a more effective approach, before your husband tries chatting to him about it.

Reply to cybershrink

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