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Question
Posted by: Old fashioned values | 2010/09/30

Can addictions REALLY be overcome

I divorced my husband, broke up our home, and did many other things that I am crtainly not proud of to be with my SOULMATE, that ONE, that you convince yourself you have to be with in life. We have a great relationship and are very much inlove. HOWEVER, 2 years into this new relationship it transoires that he has a mastrurbaiton and porn addiction although I belive that it is more of a sex addiction. Bootomline is that I do not trust him due to all the lies and deceipt in the past. He has however fessed up to the problem and is going for counselling. He is very positive about this and so am I. What I am wondering though is whether an addiction to flesh, sex and sleeze can really be overcome. His " addictions"  have led to many problems in our relationship especially the TRUST issue. He is obsessed with women and anything sleezy. Bear in mind however that we have a VERY healthy sex life and I am a very sexually pleasing partner.
If we work on this problem do you HONESTLY believe that it can be overcome or are certain people wired a certain way? Am I setting myself up for failure by giving him a second chance?
Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There's serious debate about whether this is genuinely an addiction or whether it is in any way useful to consider it as one.
From your description, no only did you act in ways that were really cruel to your husband, and perhaps others, but that this may have been done with an "addiction" to the unreal concept of a "soulmate" or "the one".
Now you find that the souldmate prefers to look at other mates or matings ?
If he is seeing a properly qualified and trained psychologist for counselling, and IF he truly wants to change this inconsiderate behaviour, maybe he can indeed change.
Enabling someone like him to excuse his voluntary behaviour as an "addiction" or "just the way some people are wired" is simply an excuse, and a way of avoiding taking personal responsibility for his actions.
And though you seem to talk mainly of his excessive atention to monline porn, you refer to "flesh" ( which is visible but not actually available online ) and to deceit and lies - are there convincin signs that he is physically unfaithful with other actual people, or is it all in the theoretical world of cybersex ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Old fashioned values | 2010/10/04

Dear Cybershrink....

Regarding your question of physical unfaithfullness I can respond as follows: I would not be writing this if he had ever been physically unfaithfull as he would be history and long forgotten but to answer your question: No. He has never been physically unfaithfull BUT having said that....he did once entertain a sms flirt / fling on his cellphone with a person that he did not know and was VERY friendly to this person, he stares at ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and he almost leads a double life in a manner of speaking. By this I mean that he is a very sociable person and spends a lot of time talking to his friends (female) and other " online"  contact and I never know about any of this and am kept in the dark about this. To a certain extent he almost ''lies'' to me about it in a small way.
And this is exactly my concern.......what if I am setting myself up for that in the future? At some point your online or even real life infatuation with women must transgress into a physical unfaithfullness??

Reply to Old fashioned values
Posted by: XXX | 2010/09/30

Whilst it is very difficult, it can be done BUT he must WANT to change.The problem comes when you have to continually check up on him.
You might be the most attractive woman in the world AND be a tigress in bed BUT with some men that is not good enough ! Look at how many actresses get dumped even though they are seriously hot.
I wouldn''t allow it to continue,if he does not change then you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/30

There's serious debate about whether this is genuinely an addiction or whether it is in any way useful to consider it as one.
From your description, no only did you act in ways that were really cruel to your husband, and perhaps others, but that this may have been done with an "addiction" to the unreal concept of a "soulmate" or "the one".
Now you find that the souldmate prefers to look at other mates or matings ?
If he is seeing a properly qualified and trained psychologist for counselling, and IF he truly wants to change this inconsiderate behaviour, maybe he can indeed change.
Enabling someone like him to excuse his voluntary behaviour as an "addiction" or "just the way some people are wired" is simply an excuse, and a way of avoiding taking personal responsibility for his actions.
And though you seem to talk mainly of his excessive atention to monline porn, you refer to "flesh" ( which is visible but not actually available online ) and to deceit and lies - are there convincin signs that he is physically unfaithful with other actual people, or is it all in the theoretical world of cybersex ?

Reply to cybershrink

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