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Posted by: Laurette | 2010/09/10

Calvin - re yr gf''s past

I feel for yr situation but I sincerely hope you are mature enough and loving enough to leave the past where it belongs - in the past.

Everytime I meet a man he asks about my past and I have always answered truthfully.

Here is my truth -

Raped violently thrice, devastating miscarriage, stalked once, abandoned by my child''s father when I fell pregnant, homeless twice, previously suffered suicidal depression, went thru a period of promiscuity in desperate search to find self, soul, sense, anything.

There were times I looked for R5 to buy a piece of bread for my child to eat. There were times I considered using my body to make sure she had that piece of bread.

That is my history. It is not who I am now. Today I am a single mum getting by, we live in a cosy two bed and even have a little car. We go to a good and supportive church. She''s at a great school and is a bright, entertaining, athletic, artistic child. But that is her mother''s history, what u read above. And every time I have shared my history with a new man - they always ask - that new man has lost heart and walked out the door. Not one has stayed. Feedback even once got back to me, the guy said to someone - ''I''m not trading in damaged goods.''

The one guy who sort of stuck around, become a territorial, twisted monster. Once a man knows you have a horrible past, he feels you will put up with anything. After all, aren''t you a piece of rubbish anyway, and shdn''t you be glad someone is paying you attention?

I now have to sadly make a secret pact with myself, to never reveal what I have been thru. The next person I meet will be told I have had an idyllic life, am not with my child''s father by choice and have never experienced any adverse circumstance in life.

It is not the truth. But the truth brings rejection, while lies bring acceptance.

I hope you hold onto yr girlfriend. She sounds like a beautiful and honest person. To judge her on her past, is to judge her on what may in fact have made her the beautiful and honest person she is today. We are shaped by our pasts - the person you see before you is a result of not just the good, but the bad that has happened to them.

Take care of you, and that special lady.

Laurette

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Thanks for your helpful and inspiring personal story ( in terms of what you, yourself, have acomplished ). As a major author once wrote : "The past is another country". If it is where you came from, it's significant to you, but not much of the business of others. If it is where you still insist on living, then it's still a current reality.
YOu are not what you once did ; though right now, you are what you do now. You are not your past - but what you chose to make of your past.
I like two-stones approach. Truth is important in relationships, but not necessarily as you swear in court "the whole truth and nothing but the truth" ! And share details only if and when they seem needed, once you have got to know the person and they have really got to know the real you.


The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: ziggy | 2010/09/13

Dear Ashley,

I just hope and pray that things work out for you and your new boyfriend. You too deserve happiness. Unfortunately, some boyfriends cannot handle these issues of the past. But give it time.... all will be well.

Reply to ziggy
Posted by: ashley | 2010/09/13

Im in a new relationship and its been 6months now everything seems to be going well but i have a fear actually i told my boyfriend about my past and im regreting now. I feel that he doubts that i have changed or things i might hurt him... Ive been hurt a lot...

I been sexualy abused,started having multiple sex patners cause i was hurting, got pregnant at an early age and the guy wasn''t there even his family wasn''t suppportive,learnt to be a single parent as young as i was,got preg again had an abortion and i was left alone again. I tried commiting suicide cause the load was just too much. I find it so hard to forget about my past it hurts me a lot...and now that ive told my current boyfriend i feel so bad cause he''s not taking it well. I think this is gonna ruin my relationship with him... Does he still feel the way he felt about me before he knew about my past??? Im so worried

Reply to ashley
Posted by: two-stone | 2010/09/10

Ai laurette - you sound like a wonderful person! I admire your bravery and your spirit of not giving up. You must learn the art of telling about your past, " but, not telling" if you get what I mean.Maybe you are being too " brutal" when you tell. Why don''t you try something along the lines of " I had a difficult early adult life which I don t enjoy sharing as it is behind me now, and not who I am. I learnt alot and was hurt often. MAYBE ONE DAY i WILL TELL YOU MORE, OK?"  The right guy will accept that, and at the same time he will not be getting the whole dose all at once. This will give you both time to get to know each other and he will get used to your ö ther " life"  in small quantities. Good luck!

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: G | 2010/09/10

Laurette

Eenkant kan mens seker redeneer dat mens jou verlede met ''n spesiale persoon moet deel, maar is dit regtig so?

As ek jou ontmoet, ja, ons gaan met die tyd ons verlede met mekaar deel, maar is dit nie net tot op ''n punt nie? En ook nie te gou nie, eers as die ou lief is vir jou vir dit wat hytans leer ken. Jy het mos niks gesondig dat jy hom die detail van jou verlede hoef te vertel nie.

Is dit nie ''n geval dat jy nog getraumatiseerd is deur hierdie dinge nie, en dit klink of jy ''n helse tyd deurgemaak het. Ek weet nie of mens iemand wat jy leer ken met sulke dinge wil opsaal en dat hy hierdie las van kennis moet dra nie, soos wat jy dit aan ''n vriendin en vertroueling sou vertel nie.

Dalk is ek verkeerd, maar dis hoe dit vir my voel.

Reply to G
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/10

Thanks for your helpful and inspiring personal story ( in terms of what you, yourself, have acomplished ). As a major author once wrote : "The past is another country". If it is where you came from, it's significant to you, but not much of the business of others. If it is where you still insist on living, then it's still a current reality.
YOu are not what you once did ; though right now, you are what you do now. You are not your past - but what you chose to make of your past.
I like two-stones approach. Truth is important in relationships, but not necessarily as you swear in court "the whole truth and nothing but the truth" ! And share details only if and when they seem needed, once you have got to know the person and they have really got to know the real you.


Reply to cybershrink

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