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Question
Posted by: Cherry | 2010/11/08

Brother''s strange behaviour

For as long as I can remember, my brother was different. When he was at school, he constantly complained to my parents that the teachers were against him, gave him bad marks, were jealous of him, etc. The pupils were jealous and alsways had it in for him. So my parents moved him from school to school. They strangely never saw that something is wrong with my brother and not the school, teachers and pupils. Can everyone always have something against him?

He is now 24 and this behaviour continues. He is lazy and hates hard work. He starts a job and then complains about the work, the boss, the other staff, etc. Someone is always jealous of him and treating him badly. So he can never keep a full time job. And as soon as he starts his nonsense, my parents feel sorry for him and tell him to leave work.

My brother came to stay with me for a while this year. Very soon he started complaining about me. I wasn''t making him breakfast, lunch, supper and I made him do his own washing and ironing and insisted he clean his room. Very soon I started getting calls from my father telling me how disguseted he is with me for not taking care of the child. I have my own little one and I work too, so i have no time to mother an adult. Then suddenly I was treating him badly because I was jealous of him.

So my mum rented him a 3 bedroon townhouse - one bedroom was too small for him. My husband was also suddenly jealous of him. My brother sent him and sms, swearing my hubby, using vulgar language. We told my father and my father said there is no way his son would do such a thing. He must have sent the sms to the wrong person and anyway he heard that my hubby was jealous over his son and was mean to him.

He had issues at work- everyone was jealous of him and against him because he was such a good employee and they just hated him for that. Now I heard he is not working anymore - left that job too.

When he first moved to Joburg, he would call my gran and uncle and start crying and tell them he was earning so little and life is so difficult here. He was earning R15000, but told everyone he was earning R1500. He told them to ask my dad to open up a business for him and he won''t have to work and suffer. He then started telling me that my gran was interfering in his life and was so jealous of him and told him he must come home as he won''t make it. I called her and she told me that he keeps phoning her. Then my uncle told me the same.

Sadly my parents can''t see that something is wrong woth my brother. He always believbes people are out to get him and also wants to get revenge on people and whilst he is very much a whimp, he always has all these violent ideas in his head of what he will do to get his revenge.

No one can reason with my parents and if you even try, you automatically are jealous of him and hate him. Now my parents even think that people are jealous of them. My dad bought a new mercedes and didn''t take it out of the garage for half a year because if people saw it they would be jealous.

CS, I feel as if I have a family with serious problems. They''re all paranoid, irrational and unrealistic and live in their own world. I have another 2 brothers who are becoming just like this. And all of them lie incessantly.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As it sounds as though he has failed at everything he has faintly attempted, one wonders what it is about him that he insists others are jealous of ? Presumably not his huge academic or commercial successes ? Its fair enough to hope not to suffer too much in life, but to expect not to have to work, is far more unrealistic. He apparently takes no personal responsibility for his contributions to his failures. And when he exaggerates and indeed lies about his financial situation, he seems to be seeking pity and donations he knows he doesn't really deserve (otherwise the truth would be sufficient ).
This recurring theme of jalousy is curious, when he seems to have managed nothing worthy of anyone's jealousy. But your parents seem to have bought into this, and to sharte the same delusions about jealousy.
Would it be possible for your parents to be approached by you, your gran and uncle, to make it clear many people are having the same experience of this guy, and that they are overlooking something important and essential to recognize if anyone is to truly help him ?
I guess this is unlikely, as you seem to be describing a family habit and patterns which you, fortunately, have escaped from. And they would rather continue to believe this family myth than face reality and find a more productive and comfortable way of life.
If they see no problem, they will not allow you or anyone else to intervene, however much they may need and benefit from intervention.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Cherry | 2010/11/11

Thanks everyone.

Liza, I know what you are talking about. I have confronted him and so have my uncle and hubby and he did turn it all around on us. He made it seem like we were all against him and went on to tell my parents how we lie about him.

Sadly, my mum seems like yours. Yes, mine also covers up the lies with more lies. It frustrates me and I try to keep my distance. But my hubby doesn''t make it easy when he phones them to see how they are and asks when they are visiting and he always makes arrangements for my daughter to go over to them for holidays, despite me protesting. My daughter loves granny, because granny allows her to do everyhting that mummy never allows. She gets to behave any which way she wants, eats chocs for breakfast, doesn''t have to brush her hair, gets to sleep at anytime she wants, etc. And as you can imagine, my daughter just loves it. i feel she buys my child off so that she will be liked as a granny.

i am pregnant and will be having my baby in Jan. My mum has decided that she is coming to stay wiht me for a bit. I don''t want her to. My gran has tried to talk her out of it, but she says she has to come to take care of us. What a load of bull. She has never ever cared before. I am so suspicious. My gran visited me recently and my mum called me and said that my gran told her that she gave me a lot of money to buy things for the baby and wanted to know how much. I asked gran if she ever said such a thing, and she said she hadn''t.

Well, I guess you really can choose your friends but not your family!

Reply to Cherry
Posted by: Jordan | 2010/11/08

I have just starting reading your mail and I''m not finished yet, but just have to tell you something. I work with someone who is like that and my neighbour is just like that. Some people are just unhappy people. Nothing will ever be good enough for them and it''s always someone else''s fault. ALWAYS!!!!! They will always complain, complain and complain some more. And believe me, I have to hear about all the time. You can''t chose your family though, so you have all my sympathy.

Reply to Jordan
Posted by: Liza | 2010/11/08

Mindcontrol - Have you ever tried to openly discuss something with a compulsive liar? They just continue lying - embroidering their lies to make you look bad and to patch up any holes in their lies. It''s futile and leaves a person angry and frustrated. I''m not suggesting a conspiracy against anyone. To conspire, there has to be more than one person in on the conspiracy. What I am suggesting is to just let the lies roll off your back...

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Mindcontrol | 2010/11/08

I am glad you disagree with mindcontrol Liza but maybe to openly discuss the situation would be better than conspiring that may indeed make matters much worse.

Reply to Mindcontrol
Posted by: Liza | 2010/11/08

As the saying goes - you can choose your friends, but you can''t choose your family.

There are far too many parents who shelter even their adult children from the consequences of their own actions. Psychologically these adults are still children and will remain children until they''ve learnt how to handle the difficulties that life throws everyone.

I disagree with Mindcontrol - don''t share your opinion with your brother because he will turn it around and use it against you in future. I''ve had my own similar experiences and the only way I''ve found to handle the situation is to:
1. Tough love - never help out - ever. Not financially, not with a place to stay NOTHING.
2. Ignore the lies. Don''t try and even catch them out in the lie - because a compulsive liar will NEVER admit the truth. I avoid my own mother because she''s a compulsive liar. When she tells me anything (and I mean anything) I simply smile, say ''Sure'' and then I forget what she told me and continue doing my own thing. Trying to make her admit the truth is an absolute exercise in futility and only makes me frustrated and angry.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: mindcontrol | 2010/11/08

Have you spoken to your brother about his behaviour and shared your opinon with him?

That may be the first place to start.

Reply to mindcontrol
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/08

As it sounds as though he has failed at everything he has faintly attempted, one wonders what it is about him that he insists others are jealous of ? Presumably not his huge academic or commercial successes ? Its fair enough to hope not to suffer too much in life, but to expect not to have to work, is far more unrealistic. He apparently takes no personal responsibility for his contributions to his failures. And when he exaggerates and indeed lies about his financial situation, he seems to be seeking pity and donations he knows he doesn't really deserve (otherwise the truth would be sufficient ).
This recurring theme of jalousy is curious, when he seems to have managed nothing worthy of anyone's jealousy. But your parents seem to have bought into this, and to sharte the same delusions about jealousy.
Would it be possible for your parents to be approached by you, your gran and uncle, to make it clear many people are having the same experience of this guy, and that they are overlooking something important and essential to recognize if anyone is to truly help him ?
I guess this is unlikely, as you seem to be describing a family habit and patterns which you, fortunately, have escaped from. And they would rather continue to believe this family myth than face reality and find a more productive and comfortable way of life.
If they see no problem, they will not allow you or anyone else to intervene, however much they may need and benefit from intervention.

Reply to cybershrink

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