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Question
Posted by: Anony | 2012-03-12

Broken and confused

This is going to be a long one

I''m 25 year old woman, 10 months ago I started hanging out with a man 15 years older than me. Totally friendship in the beginning. We share a lot of same interests. Soon all I could think about was the time I will be spending with him. My life started evolving around him and I fell deeply in love with him.

Unluckily he is a married man. He and his wife have been married for 2 years now after she " caught"  him by getting pregnant with his child. They fight constantly and is literally just together for the sake of the kid. They don''t even sleep in the same room anymore. Then few months back they went to a wedding together, had a fight there, he got totally drunk and ended up sleeping with his wife that night. The wife seeing that things were moving to a final divorce did what she did in the beginning. She got pregnant that night. He later found her pills in the rubbish. She did not drink them which just confirms my suspicions. So she is now pregnant and baby is due soon.

I''m bipolar and to be quite honest I don''t like people at all. Like I said I became obsessive over this man. I live only for the 2 or 3 times I can see him a week for an hour or two. I feel as if I can''t live without him. But I also know we don''t really have a future together. He is staying with his wife for sake of his child and he loves the child so much. I will never expect for him to leave his wife and thus loosing his child. There is a chance that the baby thats on the way is not his because there is suspicions that the wife also fooled around.

Also say he does leave his wife, 15 years is a long gap, I won''t fit in with his friends. I''m not ready for responsibilities of being a " wife"  I''m not that good with cooking yet. The responsibility scares me.

Then this weekend I met a guy, 6 years older than me. I saw that he had some potential and me being a freak about honesty told the man about him. Asking if he would understand if I just try and see if me and this new guy will get on. He totally freaked. He was so mad and hurt at the same time. He said it''s totally over between us. Me of course freaked at the idea of loosing him. Did not know I could cry so much. I wanted to hurt myself so bad (I was a cutter) I can''t see myself not living without this man.

This morning we both calmed down and he called me and we talked a long time. He says he probably should divorce his wife but I also understand that with a baby on the way that may be his it''s quite hard right now. I feel as if I can break all contact with the new guy I met just so I can by with the man I love. But also I am so lonely when I''m not with him, al my friends date and everyone always ask why I am not dating. If only they knew how much I love someone. Also I''m 25 and getting older. Most of my friends are getting married.

I even once thought about getting pregnant myself but I know that will be wrong. Even though we sometimes joke about it.
Then at least even if I don''t have him I will have his his child and someone to love.

I know all will say leave the man. But I can''t. He is my life, life is not worth living if I can''t be with him. Sometimes I even think it will be better when I''m dead because I don''t have to live with all this pain inside me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Tut tut. From the very beginning, you apparently knew he was married ( otherwise he lied to you ) and you knew that any serious relationship with him would probably end in hurting his wife, and possibly all of you.
Never forget you have been hearing only what he chooses to tell you, from HIS point of view, designed to achieve HIS aims. I doubt that his wife simply "caught" him by falling pregnant. THings had to have been going wrong between them for her to even think of that, or for him top feel "caught". He could have chosen marriage counselling and trying to work out whatever their problems were, but he chose to have an affair, instead. And someone prep[ared to cheat on his pregnanct wife, will surely be prepared in time to cheat on you.
For him to have TWICE enabled her to get pregnant ( it biologically required his full participation each time ) ; to make exactly the same mistake twice, says something about his wisdom. Having good reason to suspect her on this issue, he could have chosen to use a condom or just to avoid having sex with her.
It sounds as though you have been desperately needy, and have not bothered yet to develop your whole life, when you chose to focus so exclusively on him, "living only" for the occasions when you met him.
Of course you CAN and should live without him, and would be very much better off without him. If you do indeed have bipolar disorder, you should be seeing a psychiatrist for continuing assessment, treatment and monitoring of this condition ( it is to complex for a GP to manage alone ) and you urgently need to discuss all of this, including your feelings of despair, with your shrink.
You should be seeing a psychologist for skilled counselling to, to understand your neediness and vulnerability, why you seem to seek comfort uncritically from older men, and so on.
For this unfaithful guy to have the cheek to get so furious at your suggestion that you get to know another man ( he expects you to share him with his wife, but you mustnt see anyone else ? ) is impudent and selfish in the extreme.
To threaten to dump you, knowing and exploiting your vulnerability, is also extremely seedy.
Nothing whatever you have said about this guy suggests that he in the slightest way deserves the love you feel for him - its more a product of your desperate feeling of needing to love, than of anything worthy in him. His promises or speculations about the future are not worth trusting - remember what he promised to his wife in their marriage vows ?
Don't think of getting pregnant as a tactic, or of having a child "to have someone to love" - that's also selfish, and not in the best interests of the child.
Stop giving yourself absolute and false commandments. Stop brainwashing yourself. Stop saying "I could not leave him", "I couldn't live without him" - you certainly could. Maybe you don't really want to at this stage, but these are not laws of life and unchangeable. YOur life would probably be a great deal better worth living once you are without him.
And don't indulge in thoughts of death as a solution - the pain is not necessary and can be avvoided, leaving you to live a much happier life with someone who loves you without his selfishness. PLEASE see a good local psychologist as soon as it can be arranged, and tell him / her everything you have said here ( maybe even take a print-out of your message here ) and work with the shrink to sort out your way to a happier, rat-free life.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Fool | 2012-03-13

I had an affair with a married man, and all he did was lie. He lied about not having sex with his wife, he is there for his kids and that his kids mean so much to him. This what they do best lie to keep you happy! I had his baby and he has only seen her once for the 5 months. A married man will use you for the sex and excitement of hiding and seeing you. Don''t be a fool, you are worth so much more than being a source of comfort to anyone but yourself.

Reply to Fool
Posted by: nonono!! | 2012-03-12

He has told you every single lie in the book, and you, like a fool believed him. There is a saying, catch me once shame on you, catch me twice, shame on me. Who do you want to be? A fool? And never-mind wife and cooking, sweety, you''ll be a stepmom to a child who will blame you for his parent''s break-up!

My neighbour cheated on his first wife with his second - the second wife was also a trophy of a menopausal male - 20 year age difference - to this day, the second wife has the reputation of a home wrecker. There is no respect for her and he husband has moved on again. Lesson 2 - if he cheats on her, he will cheat on you, and nobody will have sympathy.

Rather get over a broken heart now, and leave him to his wife, his child and his lies.

You don''t need this really, really, do you? NO! the are plenty of fish in the seas (as you said yourself!

Reply to nonono!!
Posted by: Anony | 2012-03-12

Thanks for helping me look more clearly at everything. I see my psychiatrist every 3 months. He knows about this but not really the full depth of things. He also advised for me to let things go. But I just could''nt see myself letting him go.
Ofcourse with the new things happening I''m unsure and confused.
But I thank you for giving me more to think about and making it more clear. When you put it like you did its quite clear what should be done, even though I dread this.
And thank you for the fast response

Reply to Anony
Posted by: LOLO | 2012-03-12

My dear, you are very young to be involved with a married man. he is lying to you saying he does not share bedroom with his wife. the wife is pregnant meaning there are always making love. man will tell u something that your ears want to hear, he he he im fighting with my wife....i dont love my wife anymore, my kids my kids they are liars. you will find someone who will love u unconditional. you are very young to be a stepmother to two kids, maybe there are other kids out there, at the age of 40. you are a stress releaver to him. he only want pleasure (sex) bcoz the wife is due soon. wakeup girl.

Reply to LOLO
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-03-12

Tut tut. From the very beginning, you apparently knew he was married ( otherwise he lied to you ) and you knew that any serious relationship with him would probably end in hurting his wife, and possibly all of you.
Never forget you have been hearing only what he chooses to tell you, from HIS point of view, designed to achieve HIS aims. I doubt that his wife simply "caught" him by falling pregnant. THings had to have been going wrong between them for her to even think of that, or for him top feel "caught". He could have chosen marriage counselling and trying to work out whatever their problems were, but he chose to have an affair, instead. And someone prep[ared to cheat on his pregnanct wife, will surely be prepared in time to cheat on you.
For him to have TWICE enabled her to get pregnant ( it biologically required his full participation each time ) ; to make exactly the same mistake twice, says something about his wisdom. Having good reason to suspect her on this issue, he could have chosen to use a condom or just to avoid having sex with her.
It sounds as though you have been desperately needy, and have not bothered yet to develop your whole life, when you chose to focus so exclusively on him, "living only" for the occasions when you met him.
Of course you CAN and should live without him, and would be very much better off without him. If you do indeed have bipolar disorder, you should be seeing a psychiatrist for continuing assessment, treatment and monitoring of this condition ( it is to complex for a GP to manage alone ) and you urgently need to discuss all of this, including your feelings of despair, with your shrink.
You should be seeing a psychologist for skilled counselling to, to understand your neediness and vulnerability, why you seem to seek comfort uncritically from older men, and so on.
For this unfaithful guy to have the cheek to get so furious at your suggestion that you get to know another man ( he expects you to share him with his wife, but you mustnt see anyone else ? ) is impudent and selfish in the extreme.
To threaten to dump you, knowing and exploiting your vulnerability, is also extremely seedy.
Nothing whatever you have said about this guy suggests that he in the slightest way deserves the love you feel for him - its more a product of your desperate feeling of needing to love, than of anything worthy in him. His promises or speculations about the future are not worth trusting - remember what he promised to his wife in their marriage vows ?
Don't think of getting pregnant as a tactic, or of having a child "to have someone to love" - that's also selfish, and not in the best interests of the child.
Stop giving yourself absolute and false commandments. Stop brainwashing yourself. Stop saying "I could not leave him", "I couldn't live without him" - you certainly could. Maybe you don't really want to at this stage, but these are not laws of life and unchangeable. YOur life would probably be a great deal better worth living once you are without him.
And don't indulge in thoughts of death as a solution - the pain is not necessary and can be avvoided, leaving you to live a much happier life with someone who loves you without his selfishness. PLEASE see a good local psychologist as soon as it can be arranged, and tell him / her everything you have said here ( maybe even take a print-out of your message here ) and work with the shrink to sort out your way to a happier, rat-free life.

Reply to cybershrink

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