Our expert says:
Tut tut. From the very beginning, you apparently knew he was married ( otherwise he lied to you ) and you knew that any serious relationship with him would probably end in hurting his wife, and possibly all of you.
Never forget you have been hearing only what he chooses to tell you, from HIS point of view, designed to achieve HIS aims. I doubt that his wife simply "caught" him by falling pregnant. THings had to have been going wrong between them for her to even think of that, or for him top feel "caught". He could have chosen marriage counselling and trying to work out whatever their problems were, but he chose to have an affair, instead. And someone prep[ared to cheat on his pregnanct wife, will surely be prepared in time to cheat on you.
For him to have TWICE enabled her to get pregnant ( it biologically required his full participation each time ) ; to make exactly the same mistake twice, says something about his wisdom. Having good reason to suspect her on this issue, he could have chosen to use a condom or just to avoid having sex with her.
It sounds as though you have been desperately needy, and have not bothered yet to develop your whole life, when you chose to focus so exclusively on him, "living only" for the occasions when you met him.
Of course you CAN and should live without him, and would be very much better off without him. If you do indeed have bipolar disorder, you should be seeing a psychiatrist for continuing assessment, treatment and monitoring of this condition ( it is to complex for a GP to manage alone ) and you urgently need to discuss all of this, including your feelings of despair, with your shrink.
You should be seeing a psychologist for skilled counselling to, to understand your neediness and vulnerability, why you seem to seek comfort uncritically from older men, and so on.
For this unfaithful guy to have the cheek to get so furious at your suggestion that you get to know another man ( he expects you to share him with his wife, but you mustnt see anyone else ? ) is impudent and selfish in the extreme.
To threaten to dump you, knowing and exploiting your vulnerability, is also extremely seedy.
Nothing whatever you have said about this guy suggests that he in the slightest way deserves the love you feel for him - its more a product of your desperate feeling of needing to love, than of anything worthy in him. His promises or speculations about the future are not worth trusting - remember what he promised to his wife in their marriage vows ?
Don't think of getting pregnant as a tactic, or of having a child "to have someone to love" - that's also selfish, and not in the best interests of the child.
Stop giving yourself absolute and false commandments. Stop brainwashing yourself. Stop saying "I could not leave him", "I couldn't live without him" - you certainly could. Maybe you don't really want to at this stage, but these are not laws of life and unchangeable. YOur life would probably be a great deal better worth living once you are without him.
And don't indulge in thoughts of death as a solution - the pain is not necessary and can be avvoided, leaving you to live a much happier life with someone who loves you without his selfishness. PLEASE see a good local psychologist as soon as it can be arranged, and tell him / her everything you have said here ( maybe even take a print-out of your message here ) and work with the shrink to sort out your way to a happier, rat-free life.
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