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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012-06-01

Broke up with him and devastated

Ive been dating my boyfriend for 5 years (Long distance). We both are divorced with kids. Ive always told him that I will never come between his kids and himself and similarly i wouldnt want him to come between my son and I. This has always worked for us. Until recently when we have been spending alot more time together - he comes to see me, and today he told me that his kids are complaining because they dont see him anymore. I felt so bad - it felt like i was destroying a family. He told me that he will figure it out and we will continure as normal. I called him and told him that we have to break up because our relationship was not supposed to be destroying other peoples lives especially our kids. Im so devastated and feel like crying at every opportunity but no that this something i have to do. Was i being too harsh??? I know that i love him and would do anything for him but not atthe expense of his kids.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe your relationship agreement just about managed to work while this was an attenuated long-distance relatonship ? Presumably his kids have been used to their accustomed amount of time with him, and resent him spending any of that time with anyone else. But that was not at all about you "destroying other people's lives" - people, maybe especialyl kids, like things to remain as they are, and resist change, especially if they dont see any advantages to it.
Don't you think you are maybe over-dramatizing this and certainly over-blaming yourself here ?
You are being farm far too harsh on yourself. Children being miffed and onconveniences, does not equal destruction.
Explore this all further, in conversation together.
Have the kids had much chance to meet you and spend time with you, alone and together with their father ? If not, wouldn't that be a good idea ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Kate | 2012-06-04

You sound like a true drama queen. Like seriously!!!
For flips sake, if you want to be with him then be with him.
If he is not happy with the relationship, call it off.
If his kids are not happy... look at it in perspective and get his viewpoint. Are they just being spoilt brats intent on having their dad all to themselves or is he really neglecting them.

They should surely understand that their father needs other people in his lfe too. Anyways, its all up to you, if you willing to give up that easily on someone that might just be right for you.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-06-02

Maybe your relationship agreement just about managed to work while this was an attenuated long-distance relatonship ? Presumably his kids have been used to their accustomed amount of time with him, and resent him spending any of that time with anyone else. But that was not at all about you "destroying other people's lives" - people, maybe especialyl kids, like things to remain as they are, and resist change, especially if they dont see any advantages to it.
Don't you think you are maybe over-dramatizing this and certainly over-blaming yourself here ?
You are being farm far too harsh on yourself. Children being miffed and onconveniences, does not equal destruction.
Explore this all further, in conversation together.
Have the kids had much chance to meet you and spend time with you, alone and together with their father ? If not, wouldn't that be a good idea ?

Reply to cybershrink

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