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Question
Posted by: OUCH!! | 2010/10/28

Breakup

Hi, I love him so much, and wanted to marry him. For me, though trust is paramount. 2 years ago he was unfaithful. We have worked at it, been to counselling and I have forgiven him, BUT I cannot forget.

Now, I definitely dont think marriage is the answer (for now anyway). But, the alternative is a breakup (I think). I am 40 and dont want to hang around just for fun if it is not long term.

Am I wrong - will the distrust eventually go if I keep working at it??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Amnesia is not required.
But it doesn't sound as though the counselling is completed, and I'm not sure what you mean by "forgiven" - you feel unable to trust him and have given up the idea of marriage. Forgetting is not the aim in the sense of amnesia and forgetting anything ever happened - but resolving the issues of what you each feel comfortable expecting from each other, and what sort of shared view of the future you may have, is the purpose of it.
That it happened will never change - if you still feel convinced that this means it may happen again at any time, the relationship will not work. if you feel he has changed and is no more likely to cheat than anyone else, then it can work - but only if you are now both capable of living in the present and future, rather than in the past.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/30

Amnesia is not required.
But it doesn't sound as though the counselling is completed, and I'm not sure what you mean by "forgiven" - you feel unable to trust him and have given up the idea of marriage. Forgetting is not the aim in the sense of amnesia and forgetting anything ever happened - but resolving the issues of what you each feel comfortable expecting from each other, and what sort of shared view of the future you may have, is the purpose of it.
That it happened will never change - if you still feel convinced that this means it may happen again at any time, the relationship will not work. if you feel he has changed and is no more likely to cheat than anyone else, then it can work - but only if you are now both capable of living in the present and future, rather than in the past.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Only me | 2010/10/29

I''m basicaly in the same boat, happened to me and my soon to be ex g/friend..she did the same to me, not to the deed but via sms etc. From then on things were never the same again, and always reffering back to the past. Trust lost, and disrespect steps in and and and...

Would never be the same between you again, but with geniune love and repent I''m sure one could recover.

Sterkte..

Reply to Only me
Posted by: dot | 2010/10/28

hard one, but simple if you love him enough your love can overcome the trust problem, conquer it and you can move on, problem is does he love you as much as your love him? if it happens again then its like being crucified all over again for nothing...big risk to take...the problem isnt your love...your love is real and there...the problem is his, can you even trust him enough to receive all his love? can you discern that its the real true love you need?

Reply to dot

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