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Question
Posted by: Riley | 2011/05/03

Break up, death &  suicidal thoughts

Dear Doc

I am 35yrs of age, single - no kids &  diagnosed with Bipolar 2, three yrs ago.

Two yrs ago my boyfriend &  i broke up after an 8yr relationship, because he accepted a job in another city and i could not get a transfer - i work for SAPS - the distance became an issue and after a year of long distance, we broke up. We still love each other very much, but we cannot be together. He was offered a possission back to our town, but said he cannot take the offer, because he hates this town. He had a chance to be with me again, but he didnt take it, which makes me think im not all that important to him as i thought i was.

A month ago my Grandfather passed away (first family member i lost). A week ago i had to put my beloved dog (16yr old Duchshund) down, because his health was deteriorating fast, couldnt keep any food down &  after check up with vet, found that all his organs are failing. I took him to the Vet on Saturday and the Vet said we need to put him down - i asked him if i can do it the following day, Sunday, coz i need to say goodbye. I always said i will not let my " Child"  suffer - so i had to make the hardest descision of my life to put him down.

The day i put him down, i sat outside the CLOSED Vet''s office just to be near him. I fetched his body the following day and buried him at home. That night (morning) at 3am i went and sat crying at his grave. I did the same two nights after that.

I didnt even mourn my Grandfather the way i mourn the death of my dog.

Yesterday was the worst. I keep recalling our last moments togeher IN DETAIL up to Sunday when i put him down.

Many years ago i tried to commit suicide and vowed never to do it again, however suicidal thoughts are with me most of the time. Its JUST thoughts, because i know its selfish and heartless of someone to take her own life, because you hurt the people that love you.

I still live with my parents coz financially i cannot afford to live on my own.

I just feel so empty, sad and ALONE all the time. There''s NO light at the end of MY tunnel. I know other people''s problems are MUCH WORSE than mine and i feel guilty for falling apart like this, but im just so utterly and completely sad.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds as though the break-up was unhappy on both sides, and caused by circumstances outside your immediate control, rather than insuperable problems within the relationship.
Such events in life are indeed sad, and need to be mourned.
Why he now says he hates the town you're in, so strongly, is puzling, and he owes you a proper explanation for that. There may be factors that don't directly involve you that makes him scared or loath to return to this town - odd, though, that he doesn't seem to have mentioned this at the time of his leaving it.
But then to your unresolved grief at the loss of this relationship was aded other real losses - the death of your grandfather ( and apparently the first death of someone you really knew ), and the death of your dog - and in a situation in which you had to make the sad decision to let the vet put him down - by far the kindest thing for the dog, but the hardest for you. Sometimes real love means we have to make such sacrifices.
And your relationship to the dog was probably much closer emotionally than your relationship to your grandfather, as often happens.
Don't feel guilty, you have done, and are doing, nothing wrong. But do see a counsellor to help you deal with this large pile of loss that has arrived on your lap. In time you will, for instance, be able to remember all the good times with your dog with joy that they happened, rather than with bitter regret that they're not happening now.
And understand that the multiple forms of grief you feel are natural and normal ( though unpleasant ) and do resolve in time. And that this isgrief WORK, and takes time, so its often 6 months at least before one starts to notice the lights that have been in the tunnel all along

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1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/03

Sounds as though the break-up was unhappy on both sides, and caused by circumstances outside your immediate control, rather than insuperable problems within the relationship.
Such events in life are indeed sad, and need to be mourned.
Why he now says he hates the town you're in, so strongly, is puzling, and he owes you a proper explanation for that. There may be factors that don't directly involve you that makes him scared or loath to return to this town - odd, though, that he doesn't seem to have mentioned this at the time of his leaving it.
But then to your unresolved grief at the loss of this relationship was aded other real losses - the death of your grandfather ( and apparently the first death of someone you really knew ), and the death of your dog - and in a situation in which you had to make the sad decision to let the vet put him down - by far the kindest thing for the dog, but the hardest for you. Sometimes real love means we have to make such sacrifices.
And your relationship to the dog was probably much closer emotionally than your relationship to your grandfather, as often happens.
Don't feel guilty, you have done, and are doing, nothing wrong. But do see a counsellor to help you deal with this large pile of loss that has arrived on your lap. In time you will, for instance, be able to remember all the good times with your dog with joy that they happened, rather than with bitter regret that they're not happening now.
And understand that the multiple forms of grief you feel are natural and normal ( though unpleasant ) and do resolve in time. And that this isgrief WORK, and takes time, so its often 6 months at least before one starts to notice the lights that have been in the tunnel all along

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