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Question
Posted by: Sue | 2011/02/03

Boyfriend straying

My boyfriend is having an affair with a married woman. Do I warn them that I know and tell them to stop or do I tell her husband first and let him sort it out?. I love him and don''t want to loose him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I don't think anyone owes secrecy to any cheater. It might not, depending on the person, be safe to challenge them ; surprisingly perhaps, the spouse or bf/gf you tell might not be pleased that you told them. There are no rules of etiquette as to whether to tell the spouse first, or warn the cheater. But warning the cheater enables him to continue cheating though more carefully, or to cover up ; telling the spouse gives them knowledge that arguably they deserve to know, and leaves them free to choose what to do about it.
Of course, also, muich depends on whether you have good evidence that the cheating is happening, rather than just a suspicion.
Why do you love someone who thinks so very little of you that he cheats on you, and so very little of marriage that he cheats with a married woman ; and so very little of hurting other people that he doesn't care about the husband and perhaps children ? Whatb exactly do you find loveable about your bf ? Why on earth would wou want to hold on to him, and just wait for the next time he goes cheating on you ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Very Curious | 2011/02/03

I am not sure what there is to lose. He has no respect fo you if he is fooling around on you.
Yes, tell her husband, and dump the dude. You deserve better, and you should not settle for less.

Reply to Very Curious
Posted by: QQ | 2011/02/03

You tell her husband. Have proof of the affair.

Reply to QQ
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/03

I don't think anyone owes secrecy to any cheater. It might not, depending on the person, be safe to challenge them ; surprisingly perhaps, the spouse or bf/gf you tell might not be pleased that you told them. There are no rules of etiquette as to whether to tell the spouse first, or warn the cheater. But warning the cheater enables him to continue cheating though more carefully, or to cover up ; telling the spouse gives them knowledge that arguably they deserve to know, and leaves them free to choose what to do about it.
Of course, also, muich depends on whether you have good evidence that the cheating is happening, rather than just a suspicion.
Why do you love someone who thinks so very little of you that he cheats on you, and so very little of marriage that he cheats with a married woman ; and so very little of hurting other people that he doesn't care about the husband and perhaps children ? Whatb exactly do you find loveable about your bf ? Why on earth would wou want to hold on to him, and just wait for the next time he goes cheating on you ?

Reply to cybershrink

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