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Question
Posted by: cambell | 2012-10-03

boyfriend is desperate for a child

my boyfriend is desparately want me to fall pregnant and i''m not ready to have a child now as i already have one.i told him to wait until end of next year because i still want to further my studies but he beg me telling me that he will take care of our baby and find a nanny by himself.we''ve been dating for 8years now.....please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why is he so desperate to have a child ? This isn't commonly a major preoccupation of young men, and if he is to be a fit partner for you and a fit father, he should give major priority to your own feelings and wishes, and to his ability to be a great father to the child, both emotionally and financially. Is he simply concerned about proving that he can actually father a child ? That would suggest major self-esteem problems, and a very unrealistic set of ideas about what makes a man a man.
I like Maria's idea of him volunteering at a children'\s home or charity, to get to know children and see if he actually likes working with them. Otherwise he may be more interested in p-roving his fertility and in being a competent real father.
And why, after a very long period of 8 years of dating, is he not interested in marriage before producing a child ?

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Just me | 2012-10-05

Get married first. It is selfish to create children without the parents even being willing to commit to one another. If you cannot commit to your partner then you cannot commit to a child who needs it even more.

Reply to Just me
Posted by: SK | 2012-10-03

Don''t do it, it''s a trap. You can tell him that you are trying and go get your injections at the nearest clinic to shut him up. Unfortunately he wants to control you, he wants to have a hold on you. Maybe he feels that once qualified you will not be attracted to him anymore so he needs something that will make you tied up to you.
Go to school, and start building your career. A child is a blessing but is also extremely expensive. Buidling a career with a child is also tricky as kids do get sick and all that.
The important question you have to ask yourself is that if this guy really loved me why did he not marry me. If he really wanted a family with you he would have married you by now and provide a nurturing environment to bring in a baby, where he will be part of the child''s life. He has not married you because he does not want to be inconvenienced by having a family however he does not think twice about wanting to inconvenience you because he wants to control you.
Again.... Do not do it.

Reply to SK
Posted by: kk | 2012-10-03

Why date so long,8 years tjo! my advise is to get married first and then start a family. Having a child doesn''t build a relationship, most relationships end after a child. So my sister never ever compromise on that, if u decide to have a child do it for yourself not because a man wants a child. Most of them are children or behave like children anyway, don''t do it if you ''re not ready.

Reply to kk
Posted by: Maria | 2012-10-03

Tell him to go and volunteer at a Children''s Home or shelter to get some experience of kids, while you do what you want to do before falling pregnant. Why is he so desperate? How old are you guys? Do you see your relationship as being permanent?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-10-03

Why is he so desperate to have a child ? This isn't commonly a major preoccupation of young men, and if he is to be a fit partner for you and a fit father, he should give major priority to your own feelings and wishes, and to his ability to be a great father to the child, both emotionally and financially. Is he simply concerned about proving that he can actually father a child ? That would suggest major self-esteem problems, and a very unrealistic set of ideas about what makes a man a man.
I like Maria's idea of him volunteering at a children'\s home or charity, to get to know children and see if he actually likes working with them. Otherwise he may be more interested in p-roving his fertility and in being a competent real father.
And why, after a very long period of 8 years of dating, is he not interested in marriage before producing a child ?

Reply to cybershrink

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