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Question
Posted by: ELSABE | 2011-12-05

BOYFRIEND HURTS ME

My boyfriend of 2 years whom I love dearly, hit me a couple of times and choked me and apologised and blamed it on alcohol.
He is a nice and loving person most of the times, but I have also realised that he is very critical of me, he always says Im getting fat, getting a big belly, telling me to go to gym because I am starting to get flabby and mind you I am a very slim person and I do stop traffic I dare say. but he does not see that, he is always saying negative things to me, he also accuses me of having affairs, he doesnt want me to have a life, if im out with friends he goes crazy and calls me incessantly up to a point that I get fed up and not take his calls, and when I get home all hell breaks lose, is there hope for someon like this, can he change his ways? Please help, i love him but i am starting to doubt our future.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What on earth do you find to love in someone who behaves like this ? He hits you, chokes you, and behaves dangerously when drunk. Alcohol never abuses people - people abuse people, sometimes when they've been abusing alcohol, too. He criticises you, insults you, accuss you of infidelity, tries to control you ( when he can't even control himself ); he's pathologically jealous. No, there is no hope whatsoever for such a person to change - they don't see anything wrong with themselves or what they do, and don't want to change.
COnsult a group who helps abused women, and plan a safe exit from this situation, and save your love for someone who deserves it. Being sweet occasionally, between the episodes of abuse, is not good enough.
And, although some of the readers chose to squabble unhelpfully between themselves, you may well benefit from seeing a counsellor to enhance your self-esteem and self-respect, to recognize that you deserve to be treated far better than this

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Robbie | 2011-12-07

Hi Elsabe, get out now, guys like your guy don''t easily change, it''s going to get worse, i know you love him but love ain''t going to repair your broken bones.

If you scared to leave, get someone you trust to help you move or get a few guys to help you pack and leave, he will keep saying sorry, but will keep doing what his doing.

If you don''t know anyone to help you pack and leave in piece let me know, if your in Gauteng.

Strongs and good luck.

Reply to Robbie
Posted by: Just Asking | 2011-12-05

If its not a self esteem/ self respect problem why did CS say she would benifit from therapy? Why dis CS suggest enhancement of something thats not a problem...?

Reply to Just Asking
Posted by: Left my abuser | 2011-12-05

IF SOMEONE HURTS YOU ONCE - IT IS THEIR FAULT.

IF THEY HURT YOU A 2ND TIME - ITS YOUR FAULT.

Reply to Left my abuser
Posted by: Obvious | 2011-12-05

l apologize, she obviously has great self esteem and self respect. I am sorry if l offended anyone, it was never meant to be a diagnosis just an opinion which you rightly point out is not fact.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: XXX | 2011-12-05

There is no doubt about what you should do,DUMP him TODAY.There is no excuse for this type of behaviour and will only get worse.
You don''t deserve this treatment.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: period | 2011-12-05

dont worry about her. she always like to act like she knows it all. just ignore her if you dont like her input, she is not the cybershrink, so she cant make an informed diagnosis. opinion can never be fact no matter how backed up it can be.

Reply to period
Posted by: 777 | 2011-12-05

I think you should wait for the expert to respond, because I see obvious is busy making a diagnosis, I dont know s/she is qualified to do so.

Reply to 777
Posted by: cornela | 2011-12-05

Luister Elsabe, just gather some strengh and move on. I did it and no I do not suffer from low self esteem, and i never had. I just wanted to help my husband, the father of my kids, I wanted to keep the family together ,I believed he could change, I wanted to save my marriage and keep the family together,it was about my love for him, but as most of these stories end, it just did not work, we went to therapy together but he still reverted back to his old self, so I left him and he is doing the same thing to his current wife i hear, so the problem is him not you. you have to leave, you will not come out of this alive if you choose to stay.

Reply to cornela
Posted by: Obvious | 2011-12-05

Of course self esteem has a lot to do with allowing yourself to be abused.

If you value yourself you do not allow a man to treat you this way.Therapy for self esteem is always valuable in these cases.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: MELINDA | 2011-12-05

just leave him and move on with your life, I have been is such a situation before. its hard to leave at first but rather do it now than later because he might hurt and cause irreparable damage. it took me a while to come out of this abusive ralationship but I left, one more thing selfesteems has got nothing to do with it. love and hopefulness makes us foolish sometimes. dont worry too much, just gather your strength and leave. he will never change trust me, he will not change, this pattern is going to continue until God knows what happens.

Reply to MELINDA
Posted by: Romany | 2011-12-05

While you still can... get out of this relationship. Believe me, it will NOT get better but it WILL get worse.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Obvious | 2011-12-05

He drinks,chokes you,accuses you of unfaithfulness and insults and critizese you - what is there to love!
Have some self respect dump him and get therapy for low self esteem.
You can do better than this loser!

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-12-05

What on earth do you find to love in someone who behaves like this ? He hits you, chokes you, and behaves dangerously when drunk. Alcohol never abuses people - people abuse people, sometimes when they've been abusing alcohol, too. He criticises you, insults you, accuss you of infidelity, tries to control you ( when he can't even control himself ); he's pathologically jealous. No, there is no hope whatsoever for such a person to change - they don't see anything wrong with themselves or what they do, and don't want to change.
COnsult a group who helps abused women, and plan a safe exit from this situation, and save your love for someone who deserves it. Being sweet occasionally, between the episodes of abuse, is not good enough.
And, although some of the readers chose to squabble unhelpfully between themselves, you may well benefit from seeing a counsellor to enhance your self-esteem and self-respect, to recognize that you deserve to be treated far better than this

Reply to cybershrink

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