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Question
Posted by: vanessa | 2009/03/30

boyfriend drinking problem

Hi,
I think my bf has a drinking problem and I am unsure of how to deal with it.
He tends to nag me to buy alcohol for him (he is unemployed, I' m the breadwinner), and if I try refuse he becomes unpleasant, sulky and sullen. He tries to rationalise why I must get it for him, and nags and nags. When he does have alcohol, he starts drinking alone from early in the day (sometimes as early as 11am). He drinks a lot when he' s out with his friends (which isn' t so much a problem for me, as its him having a good time with his buddies), but drinks more when he' s home, either alone or with me. I' ll often get home and he' ll already be reeking of alcohol and overly talkative. There are other indications that he is addicted to alcohol and that it is a major crutch for him. I' ve playfully told him before that if he doesn' t slow down his drinking, I' ll pour his brandy down the sink, and he got upset with me, saying it' ll be the end of our relationship if I do it. That made me think that he only wants me because I earn the salary and can buy him alcohol. I' ve told him often that the drinking is a major problem for me, he says he knows but never does anything about it! I' ve told him that this coming month, I won' t buy him any alcohol or any cigarettes, but he ignored me.
What can I do? I love this man, but he' s destroying himself and our relationship.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Don't buy alcohol for him --- you can't afford to do so, for many good reasons. Let him sulk. Sounds like his life revolves around the alcohol, with things like actually trying to get a job, not on his agenda at all. He threatens to end the relationship --- what relationship ? His relationship with alcohol ? Or his relationship with you as a supplier of his drug of choice ? It's obvious from your story that he has no intention of getting a job while you provide his luxuries. If he's in a "bad place mentally" he put hiomself there, and alcohol can be guaranteed to keep him there

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2009/03/30

No Vanessa your not being harsh at all, it' s time you put your foot down.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: vanessa | 2009/03/30

I' ve been supporting him financially and emotionally for 9 months and I am so close to cracking! I' ve tried everything to help him, from quiet acceptance and support, to tough love, to downright threatening to leave him, but nothing makes him want to do anything. His excessive drinking scares me, as he turns into someone else when he does it. Maybe its time to put my foot down, and tell him no alcohol, no cigarettes, and he has 2 weeks to find a job, or I' m out of his life. Am I being too harsh?

Reply to vanessa
Posted by: Soul | 2009/03/30

Vanessa, I can understand him being in a bad place in his life but his making it worse for himself. unfortunatley there are men out there that are threatened by what a woman earns but these days you can' t afford to turn your nose up at a job you take what is available and you can look for something better while working . The alcohol isn' t helping it' s only making him feel more sorry for himself than he already is.

Look money is an issue for alot of men they tend to feel that they are the ones to provide and supply but somehow you need to make him see that it' s not the amount he gets but that his contributing and that not everything is on you.

I understand that you are in a spot but try and encourage him in a positive way show him that you stand behind him and support him in finding a joy and encourage him to work his way up, but you can' t support and encourage and stand behind him whiole doing nothing.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: vanessa | 2009/03/30

Hi Soul,
No, he isn' t really looking for a job. I push him and send out his cv, then he gets offered a job, and messes it up. He had a job lined up last week, then on his first day didn' t even go, and said he was sick... It' s getting to the point that I can' t handle it anymore. He' s also very picky when it comes to getting a job. He seems to resent that I earn what I do, even though I have numerous qualifications and lots of experience, and seems to want to step into the top of a company rather than work his way up. He says he' s in a bad place mentally, but surely he should be trying to get back onto his feet after 9 months of being unemployed? and surely the alcohol isn' t helping? I don' t know anymore.

Reply to vanessa
Posted by: Soul | 2009/03/30

You are right he is destroying himself and even more so your relationship. You need to stand by what you have said and not give into him no cigarettes and no alcohol. You are making things and life easy for him by providing him with all his lixuaries, why would he want to get a job when everything is given to him?

As far as threatening the relationship by your puring the alcohol down the drain call his bluff, does he have some place else to live someone else to support him, personally I think he just said that to scare you. But Vanessa you really are making things to easy for him.

Is he looking for a job, is he getting his c.v out there is he doing anything and everything he can to get work even if it' s part time while he gets something permenant something is better than nothing?
Who is the one really being used and abused here cause from what I see it surely isn' t him. Remember one thing a man is very good at making you feel guilty for something he has or has not done or in his case not wanting to do.

Reply to Soul

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