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Question
Posted by: Maggy | 2012/07/12

Boyfriend doesn''t talk to me

Hi Cybershrink,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months and in the beginning of the relationship he always told me how happy he was with me and gave me a lot of attention. His mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and in the last month or two things have gone from bad to worse. She is dying and it''s terrible to see. My boyfriend doesn''t discuss his feelings with me and it seems that he has lost all interest in our relationship. I have tried to talk to him about it but it is very difficult because I don''t want to be selfish in a time that he needs my support. I fear that he wants to break up with me but doesn''t want more drama in his life then what there already is. I am committed to helping him through this but what if he doesn''t want my support? How do I address this is a nice way? or do I rather just set my own feelings a side and support him regardless of his feelings about me and the relationship? He said that he is in love with me and happy but that he doesn''t talk about his feelings and that I should " just know"  that he is in love with me. Thanks for listening.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Many men don't want to, or like to, or have the skills to, discuss their feelings with anyone. It isnt essential to their life to do so. Its hardly surprising that, if he is helping and dealing with his mom's termional illness, he isn't focussed on you or this relationship - that isn't about you, but is something that deserves your respect.
To what extent are you being selflessly helpful and supportive to him, rather than looking for something from him, for yourself ? If you have sincerely indicated to him that you won't intrude but wish to be available to him if and when he wants you, you've done all you can, then its up to him to use or not use that invitation.
I don't wish to sound unpleasant, but in a situation like this, it really shouldn't be about you, and if you actually loved him ( rather than just wantiong to be loved by him ) you wouldn't want to put the slightest pressure on him at this time, and wouldn't be looking to him to provide you with further assurances of his love.
See where things are when his mother has either recovered or died, and he has had enough time ( months, not weeks ) to start to recover from that.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/12

Many men don't want to, or like to, or have the skills to, discuss their feelings with anyone. It isnt essential to their life to do so. Its hardly surprising that, if he is helping and dealing with his mom's termional illness, he isn't focussed on you or this relationship - that isn't about you, but is something that deserves your respect.
To what extent are you being selflessly helpful and supportive to him, rather than looking for something from him, for yourself ? If you have sincerely indicated to him that you won't intrude but wish to be available to him if and when he wants you, you've done all you can, then its up to him to use or not use that invitation.
I don't wish to sound unpleasant, but in a situation like this, it really shouldn't be about you, and if you actually loved him ( rather than just wantiong to be loved by him ) you wouldn't want to put the slightest pressure on him at this time, and wouldn't be looking to him to provide you with further assurances of his love.
See where things are when his mother has either recovered or died, and he has had enough time ( months, not weeks ) to start to recover from that.

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