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Question
Posted by: Q | 2011/08/10

Boyfriend and Son

I have been a single mom for the past 5 years and leaving with only my 13 year old son. He is mommy’ ’ s boy I have now met this man and we have been dating for 6 months now. We spend 90% of the time together either his place or my place. They click well with my son and they play together. The problem is whenever they play my child will forever go MOMMY YOU SEE P IS POINTING THIS AT ME YOU SEE P IS DOING THIS TO ME P THIS P THAT same goes to my boyfriend they always do that even when they play cards. THE OTHER ONE WILL SAY MOM YOU SEE P IS CHEATING AND P WILL SAY LOVE YOU SEE S IS CHEATING that’ s how they play. Young as he is my son sometimes will cry during their play and when I take it serious and confront P he will tell me this : DON’ T BE LIKE THIS LOVE WE ARE JUST PLAYING and sometimes he feels offended by my action if I don’ t say anything my son will say : MOM ARE YOU NOW TAKING SIDES YOU SAID I SHOULD BE OPEN TO YOU AND TELL YOU ANYTHING THAT BOTHERS ME AND IF I TALK YOU DON’ T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Please help I don’ t know how to handle this there are days where I feel like saying please stop playing together.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds rather as though they are setting up situations to challenge you to take sides, to choose between them ?
I like Caro's point - if this is just a sort of game between them which both enjoy and which does no harm, why does it upset you so much ? If there is more to it, then one needs to decide what to do about it. Talk calmly with your son, saying you notice this, and to you it just seems irritating - what does it mean for him ? Does he find it pleasant or disturbing ? If he dries sometimes, he might be finding it distressing, and you will want to understand this.

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7
Our users say:
Posted by: OB | 2011/08/10

6 months is far too early to be spending 90% of your time with this guy.
Put your child first and slow down - your son is probably very anxious about the speed of this change.

Reply to OB
Posted by: Jenni | 2011/08/10

In all honesty, your boyfriend sounds petty. Like Caro said, for him to be competing with a 13 year old is lame. Is he trying to be a father figure or a friend? A father figure will not “ tattle-tale”  on your son and say he is doing this, he is not doing that, etc to you. He will tell your son “ go put on your shoes” . You can understand that behaviour from your son because not only is he at a vulnerable time of his life, but introducing a new partner, at any age, is hard. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your son, ask him REALLY how does he feel about your boyfriend and if he doesn’ t like him, then call it quits. Like Caro says, again, if your son is really playing he wouldn''t be crying.

Reply to Jenni
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/10

Then please decide whether they are really just playing. If they are, then why are you becoming so upset by it? What bothers me is that you say that sometimes you son cries. A game is only fun if all involved are enjoying it. As soon as one party starts crying or is genuinely upset, it shoud stop otherwise it is called bullying.
Talk to your son alone and find out what his true feelings are. Ask him if he is just playing or if there is a real problem. It really all depends on how he feels deep down.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Q | 2011/08/10

Caro the thing is they always do that both of them. Last night we went out and when we came back my son put on his pyjammas and so is my boyfriend then P said LOVE YOU SEE S IS NOT WEARING HIS SHOES and S said Mom you see P is not wearing his gown it really gets into me

Reply to Q
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/10

Sorry, I see he is 13 but same applies. Even better on you for having done such a good job that a 13-year old will trust his mother and come to her first. Keep doing well as a parent.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/10

As much as I may love a man, I will always put my children first. Get to the bottom of it all. Take your son to a counsellor. He is only 6 and still has to go through his entire life, start school and develop relationships. If you''ve told him to be open wiiht you and he is it means that he trusts you. If you dont come up for him - who will? Certainly not a man who is competing for your attention with a six-year old boy.
Do not one day be sorry that you didnt listen to your son. One can rather regret a failed relationship with a man than when a child''s life fails because of our actions.
Children should come first because they are defenseless without their parent. Your boyfriend is an adult who should be able to control his emotions and defend himself. If he does not understand, then tough. Both adults will get over it. This relationship can be decided on once your son is sorted out.
Your child is your prime responsibility and you seem to have been doing a good job up till now. Let him always be able to trust you and come to you.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/10

Sounds rather as though they are setting up situations to challenge you to take sides, to choose between them ?
I like Caro's point - if this is just a sort of game between them which both enjoy and which does no harm, why does it upset you so much ? If there is more to it, then one needs to decide what to do about it. Talk calmly with your son, saying you notice this, and to you it just seems irritating - what does it mean for him ? Does he find it pleasant or disturbing ? If he dries sometimes, he might be finding it distressing, and you will want to understand this.

Reply to cybershrink

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