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Question
Posted by: s | 2011/11/13

boyfriend and sex

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 months so it's the time I figure we should still be in the hands all over each other phase - at least that's what I would like.

I like sex, I enjoy the physicality and intimacy of it, but my boyfriend doesnt seem to. I'm always the one initiating sex and he's starting to make me feel not so great coz he calls me a sexual deviant and a sex fiend.

I hadn't seen him for 10 days and then I had my period after that so we hadn't had sex for a long time - when I tried to initiate it he 1st made those comments adding as well that I should be happy with just his company not with his penis inside me.

I waited a while and then tried again to get it going, he went with it but (as usual) he orgasmed very quickly and left me unsatisfied. I don't know what to do coz 1) I dont always wana initiate, but it wont happen unless I do. 2) he always ejaculates so quickly not giving much time to enjoy the act. 3) how do I make him understand that I'm not a sexual devient but rather just a loving girlfriend who is turned on by him and wants to enjoy sex with him (yes I have tried saying that to him)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It must be difficult for you as it is normal to want physical intimacy with you love.

You have mentioned that when you do have sex you feel that he ejaculates very quickly. It is important to point out that the average time that it takes a man to ejaculate is 2 minutes and a woman usually takes 13 minutes to reach orgasm.

It is common for couples to try to match their sexual response as far as possible. The time taken until ejaculation (coming) may be more or less difficult depending on circumstances (e.g. how arousing the sex is, how long since last sex, your partner's sexual response).

Sometimes a woman can become aroused and reach orgasm quicker than this, in which case some women prefer the man to come relatively soon thereafter as their natural lubricant will dry up and sex can become uncomfortable. Unfortunately, however, the female response often takes much longer than the male's response, so ideally he needs to learn to control/delay his ejaculation he is to help her reach her orgasm through penetrative sex.

I am wondering whether his hesitancy to initiate being intimate has something to do with this. It may be useful to discuss this with him in a sensitive manner. The best way to learn this would be through masturbation where he learns to identify his physical signs (e.g. heightening sensation, a sensation in his testicles, heart rate) that he needs to ease off before ejaculation is inevitable.

One way to help with this would be to try scoring his arousal on a scale of 0-10, with 8 being the point at which there's no turning back. He must aim to practice his slowing techniques when he reaches about 6/10.

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kurupt | 2011/11/15

Maybe, he knows that he ejaculates faster and he''s dissappointed by that fact that''s why he does not want to initiate sex cause he knows he can''t perform.

Reply to Kurupt
Posted by: CRAZY | 2011/11/14

I THINK THERE IS SOME SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND SOME MEN WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR A WOMAN LIKE YOU.
ASK HIM STRAIGHT IF HE IS BONKING AROUND.....OR JUST BUZZ ME I WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING INTIMATE WITH YOU AS MANY TIMES YOU WANT IN A DAY.
I KNOW WOMAN DOESNT ALWAYS WANT MAKE LOVE BUT IF A MAN TURNS YOU DOWN OR HAVE EXCUSES THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE GRASS

Reply to CRAZY
Posted by: Manwood | 2011/11/14

Your boyfriend is either a stupid a-hole, might be gay or is cheating on you with someone else. Any guy would be lucky to have you as a girlfriend/wife. He''s probably cheating on you...

Reply to Manwood
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011/11/13

It must be difficult for you as it is normal to want physical intimacy with you love.

You have mentioned that when you do have sex you feel that he ejaculates very quickly. It is important to point out that the average time that it takes a man to ejaculate is 2 minutes and a woman usually takes 13 minutes to reach orgasm.

It is common for couples to try to match their sexual response as far as possible. The time taken until ejaculation (coming) may be more or less difficult depending on circumstances (e.g. how arousing the sex is, how long since last sex, your partner's sexual response).

Sometimes a woman can become aroused and reach orgasm quicker than this, in which case some women prefer the man to come relatively soon thereafter as their natural lubricant will dry up and sex can become uncomfortable. Unfortunately, however, the female response often takes much longer than the male's response, so ideally he needs to learn to control/delay his ejaculation he is to help her reach her orgasm through penetrative sex.

I am wondering whether his hesitancy to initiate being intimate has something to do with this. It may be useful to discuss this with him in a sensitive manner. The best way to learn this would be through masturbation where he learns to identify his physical signs (e.g. heightening sensation, a sensation in his testicles, heart rate) that he needs to ease off before ejaculation is inevitable.

One way to help with this would be to try scoring his arousal on a scale of 0-10, with 8 being the point at which there's no turning back. He must aim to practice his slowing techniques when he reaches about 6/10.

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

Reply to Sexologist

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