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Question
Posted by: LULU | 2011/10/04

Boyfriend

My boyfriend and i are planning marriage, we have a child together. There are just some things that " irk"  me and i was wondering if anyone had the same? I do all the cleaning, cooking, look after the 3 children, work a 3/4 day - he runs his own business. Problem is he refuses to cook (even if i get sick), he wont wash any dishes. Doesnt do any helping around the house. If the dog does a puddle - and im not home, he will walk past it and not get a mop and wipe it up. I know these are petty things - just wanted to get a general idea - how many women out there have their men help them?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You both have a busy day, but the household chores and cooking, etc., still need to be done. Its not petty that he so totally refuses to share the chores - if you weren't there, he'd have to do it ALL on his own, or hire a servant. This would irk any intelligent woman.
Its not about "helping you" - that way of phrasing it still assumes ALL household work is yours, and he's kindly helping a bit with some of it. Not so. the chores belong to both of you, and you should share the labour.
With these attitudes, be cautious about marrying such a man ( who won't change after marriage ) as he apparently wouldn't see you as a partner but a servant. Is that the sort of life you want to commit to ? Think of some marriage counselling to see if you can both get on the same page, or at least within the same book !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tooyeh | 2011/10/05

He is so cruel, such a behaviour is uncalled for, discipline him there and there, when he is ill don''t do anything for him, he must wake up and do everything for himself. Spade for a spade, thats how i don''t things with my hubby. If he misbihaves I even stop cooking for him, he must treat me with respect and I will leave and eat outside or cook for myself and the kids and don''t dish up for him. Nna I am tired of nagging this man, youd be a servant for ever and ever Amen.

Reply to Tooyeh
Posted by: Wife | 2011/10/04

Jessica
l am interested which is why l replied twice. Why the agression? l made valid comments and suggested a solution.
An apology would be nice............

Reply to Wife
Posted by: Jessica | 2011/10/04

Oh please ‘ Wife’  if you aren’ t interested then just don’ t leave a comment. Anyway, I don’ t think these are petty- running the household (cleaning, cooking, etc) is serious business and if he flat out refuses to assist, then you are heading for trouble. It seems like because you are the woman, it is your job, finish and klaar. My fiancé  and I leave work together and come home together (we are sharing a car) but because my job is less demanding than his and I don’ t work weekends (while he does) I do the majority of the household cleaning (and I love cooking so I don''t mind doing that). But if I ask him to please do the dishes or make me tea or stick a load of clothes in the washing machine then he does it. You know, you are supposed to be PARTNERS, not a subservient woman! When my fiancé  and I were still living at his moms house, and I was the only one cleaning the bathroom, I left it for two weeks to see if anyone else would do it (no one did, I eventually cleaned it). Try that and see if it works. If he asks why aren’ t you cleaning, then say you don’ t have time and perhaps he should do it if it bothers him. If he watches T.V. or something while you are cleaning, then clean by the T.V. so it disrupts him. Maybe then he’ ll be bothered to help you so you don’ t disturb him.

Reply to Jessica
Posted by: Wife | 2011/10/04

This is petty if compared with cheating, battering, alcohol and drugs!
But Romany is correct when she says men never change!
Again my advice is 2 communicate perhaps with a councellor.......

Reply to Wife
Posted by: Romany | 2011/10/04

Only one piese of advice, men never change.
And no, I also do not think these are " petty things" 

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Maria | 2011/10/04

I don''t think those are petty things, but then different people have different priorities. My husband doesn''t " help me" . We run a household together, and while there are some things that are primarily my responsibility or his, neither of us will ignore a pet''s mess until the other one gets home! To give you some idea... he does most of the cooking and shopping, I do most of the laundry, school responsibilities and looking after pets. We have a cleaning lady who comes in once a week, but when she is sick or on leave we both clean and tidy up. He works a full day and I work half day, but in the afternoons I do the mom''s taxi and homework thing.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Wife | 2011/10/04

As you say they are petty things ,if he loves you and is a good provider whats the problem?
You probably do things that irk him.
If this is a big problem you will do well to communicate with him not us!

Reply to Wife
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/04

You both have a busy day, but the household chores and cooking, etc., still need to be done. Its not petty that he so totally refuses to share the chores - if you weren't there, he'd have to do it ALL on his own, or hire a servant. This would irk any intelligent woman.
Its not about "helping you" - that way of phrasing it still assumes ALL household work is yours, and he's kindly helping a bit with some of it. Not so. the chores belong to both of you, and you should share the labour.
With these attitudes, be cautious about marrying such a man ( who won't change after marriage ) as he apparently wouldn't see you as a partner but a servant. Is that the sort of life you want to commit to ? Think of some marriage counselling to see if you can both get on the same page, or at least within the same book !

Reply to cybershrink

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