Posted by: Tanja | 2009-08-24


Hi Doc, Thanx for repying to my first post, I feel that you are making it out to be my fualt? Yes, i do have depression, but does it give him the right to treat me that way when i dont want sex?

I forgot to mention in my first post that there is a girl the same age as me that he works with and for over a year he told me the only woman working there is a woman in her 50' s. I dont know why he did not tell me about this girl as i am not a jelous person but i am pi$$ed for him hiding it from me, why did he feel he needs to hide it from me? Unless there is something going on.

I have also noticed that he clears all his calls and sms' s before coming home, I dont know what to think anymore

Is he getting mad at me for not wanting to have intercourse just for that or is there something more to this?

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Our expert says:
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No, not at all --- of course he should be enormously understandin and sympathetic when here is any reason why you don't feel like having sex. I wasn't saying that anything is your FAULT, but that if you are as depressed as you sound, the solution must include assessment and treatment for your depression --- and then, when you are more bouyant and sturdy, maybe involve him in some couples counselling to sort out his failure to respond helpfully when you had this predicament.
Did he hide from you the fact that there was an older woman AND a young girl working there, or did the situation change between his telling you and your finding out how things were ? Anyhow, this addition sounds like couples counselling early on would be a good idea, as well as checking up on the possibility of the Depression

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Posted by: Tanja | 2009-08-24


Just remembered that i forgot to mention, He even knows what she is earning?

I found a note in his car on saturday with an adress and directions in a womans handwriting, its defnitly not his handwriting

just and adres, no name or phone number, dont know what to make of it, is it inocent or suspicios?

Reply to Tanja
Posted by: Really | 2009-08-24

I do understand your feelings and your stance around this issue. I think that you should bring it to his attention, not to mention that he did not tell you everything about his work place... it' s not fair....

Rather speak to him about it and see how he reacts to your concerns, don' t just let this thing kill you inside.

Reply to Really
Posted by: Tanja | 2009-08-24

Thanx for the reply

Really, Well he started in this company about a year and 5months now and always said there is only one woman that is in her 50' s that works there as it is a highly technical company, then about a week ago, without thinking he mentioned this younger lady and she has been there since he started there.

I do not want to think that there is something going on, i just want to know why did he feel he needed to hide this younger girl(same age as me) And when he mentioned this lady for the first time i did not say anything till today, I dont know if i should ask why he never told me about her. He spoke about her accidently the other day and looked at me with worried eyes waiting for me to say something

I know that he deletes sms everyday, cos if there where messages that came through the night before from friends or family it will be gone when he returns from work the next day.

I dont know if i am overreacting or what and at this stage i dont know if i want to be with him bcos of his reaction on saturday night?

Reply to Tanja
Posted by: Really | 2009-08-24

There is no excuse for cheating... people that cheat will always have justification for it... and I believe it' s just not right. And if he is doing it then it is wrong.

Depression is a very sad but treatable illness, but it can only be treated if it is acknowledged. Don' t you think it would be wiser to talk about why you feel the way you feel, seek for an assessment, know what exactly is going on and bring it your partner' s undivided attention? It' s not your fault that you feel this way hormones (if at all) can play detrimental tricks with our minds and bodies.

I have questions to ask, have you always known about this other woman at the office, or is it a more recent discovery? Could it be that part of your knowing about her and him not telling you the truth about his work place environment has contributed to your feeling the way you feel? Is it wise to check his phone and are you certain that he really does clear his call log delibarately for ' reasons'  that could be known by the both of you?

He could be in the wrong.... and that is the more reason, you need to discuss issues with him and clear things up...otherwise you might end up more depressed and the only person that will get out of it okay might be him.

You have every reason to be upset about what might be going on, but don' t let suspicion ruin what seems to be a manageable relationship.

All the best.

Reply to Really

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