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Question
Posted by: Confused Dude | 2011/04/12

Boy-like Behaviour (ex vs Current GF)

Hi Doc,

I post this here cos I''m more likely to get a response on this thread.

Caught in a bit of a dilemma here, hoping you’  ll be able to help me think. I do not wish to make this long, so here goes.
- Separated ex-girlfriend whom I loved dearly in 2007. It was a long distance relationship, she felt that we weren’  t “  maturing”  in the relationship and as a result, she broke up with me. I was cut, expectedly so. We’  d been together for a mere 10 months.
- I spend 2008 concentrating on my studies, family and friends. Tried a couple of dates here and there, but nothing concrete really. Mid-2009, a female friend of mine I’  d known for 5 years started getting close together and subsequently decided to start dating. It’  s been 2.5 years and we’  re still dating.
- I never really got over the ex-girlfriend, but managed to put effort into my current relationship. In the last 6 months we’  ve been having consistent fights about my family, her family and marriage. After putting so much effort and being with this woman for almost 3 years, I am finding it hard to imagine myself getting married to her.
- The ex-girlfriend has resurfaced and we’  ve been having friendly chats about our lives and future, etc. I think I am not only still in love with the ex, but I realised that this could be the “  one”  for me. I don’  t want to hurt my current girlfriend, at the same time I don’  t want to waste her time either.
- In conclusion, I’  m at the cross roads. 1) Go back to the ex that broke my heart or 2) Stay with the current girlfriend and make it work. If this was based purely on emotions, I’  d go with the ex, but now being a “  smart”  guy, I think the current girlfriend is a workable solution.

I''''m 26 years old, live and work in JHB. Both subjects in this case are 25.

If anyone out there, can make sense of my situation, HELP!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

By the sound of your letter you can definitely benefit from professional intervention. You need to take the time to explore your feelings and thoughts. Settling down with a person as well as committing long term is a very important decision for yourself as well as your partner. The fact that you have “unfinished” business with the ex needs to be sorted before you can make an emotionally; mental and psychological decision to move into the future. You owe that to yourself and the partner you choose to move forward with. You and the girls in question are still relatively young so do not rush into a marriage decision before you have absolute clarity.

You are welcome to phone our helpline – 0860100262 where you could be assisted in finding a practitioner as close as possible to you.
Furthermore you are welcome to visit the following website for any more sexual health information and assignments that could be helpful: www.sexualhealth.co.za

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Confused Dude | 2011/04/13

All,

Thank you very much for the advise.

Reply to Confused Dude
Posted by: sexologist | 2011/04/13

By the sound of your letter you can definitely benefit from professional intervention. You need to take the time to explore your feelings and thoughts. Settling down with a person as well as committing long term is a very important decision for yourself as well as your partner. The fact that you have “unfinished” business with the ex needs to be sorted before you can make an emotionally; mental and psychological decision to move into the future. You owe that to yourself and the partner you choose to move forward with. You and the girls in question are still relatively young so do not rush into a marriage decision before you have absolute clarity.

You are welcome to phone our helpline – 0860100262 where you could be assisted in finding a practitioner as close as possible to you.
Furthermore you are welcome to visit the following website for any more sexual health information and assignments that could be helpful: www.sexualhealth.co.za

Reply to sexologist
Posted by: jo | 2011/04/12

I would say neither option and i totally agree with J. You cant see yourself marring the current girlfriend so the obvious thing to do here is break up the relationship. In the long run its just not worth it all for both parties.

As for the ex id say leave it to. The mere reason behind ''we are not maturing together'' sounds like a load of crap. She lied to you for sure there. Start afresh!

Reply to jo
Posted by: INFORMER | 2011/04/12

WHAT DO MEAN BY ''WORKABLE?'' THERE ARE REAL HUMAN FEELING AND EMOTIONS ATTACHED. ITS NOT LIKE TRADING IN ONE MODEL CAR FOR ANOTHER JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FEELING A BIT NOSTALGIC. 1) DONT STRING ALONG YOUR CURRENT, 2) THE REASON YOU WHY YOU WANT YOUR EX SO BAD IS BECAUSE YOU MAY NEED SOME CLOSURE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP (I.E. THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY SYNDROME). CACHE 22??? LOSE ONE FOR ANOTHER - NOTHING WORSE THAN A WOMAN SCORNED!!!

Reply to INFORMER
Posted by: J | 2011/04/12

I think you should consider a thrid option - not one of the two. You are clearly not totally and utterly in love with your current GF - you admit that "  I am finding it hard to imagine myself getting married to her" . If you can''t be married to this lady, what is the point of continuing with the relationship? You are wasting her time and emotions.

The fact that your old GF break up with you, should also raise some red ligths. Like M is saying, what is to say that it will work now. You are still young - no need to make a hasty decision and/or commitment. You still have time.

Reply to J
Posted by: Confused Dude | 2011/04/12

I get what you mean hey. The longer I stay with my current GF the more expectations she''ll have for me to marry her. I do not want to be a coward and drag her along if I''m not certain about marrying her.

Reply to Confused Dude
Posted by: m | 2011/04/12

You need to remember the reason you and the ex broke up in the first place. If it wasnt working then, what is to say it will work now? You say it was a long distance relationship - does she still live far away or is she in jhb now? If you are having doubt DO NOT get married to your gf.

Good luck, you are still young, dont leap into something you know isnt right because of guilt......

Reply to m

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