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Question
Posted by: Confused Dude | 2011-04-12

Boy-like Behaviour (ex vs Current GF)

Hi Doc,

Caught in a bit of a dilemma here, hoping you’ ll be able to help me think. I do not wish to make this long, so here goes.
- Separated ex-girlfriend whom I loved dearly in 2007. It was a long distance relationship, she felt that we weren’ t “ maturing”  in the relationship and as a result, she broke up with me. I was cut, expectedly so. We’ d been together for a mere 10 months.
- I spend 2008 concentrating on my studies, family and friends. Tried a couple of dates here and there, but nothing concrete really. Mid-2009, a female friend of mine I’ d known for 5 years started getting close together and subsequently decided to start dating. It’ s been 2.5 years and we’ re still dating.
- I never really got over the ex-girlfriend, but managed to put effort into my current relationship. In the last 6 months we’ ve been having consistent fights about my family, her family and marriage. After putting so much effort and being with this woman for almost 3 years, I am finding it hard to imagine myself getting married to her.
- The ex-girlfriend has resurfaced and we’ ve been having friendly chats about our lives and future, etc. I think I am not only still in love with the ex, but I realised that this could be the “ one”  for me. I don’ t want to hurt my current girlfriend, at the same time I don’ t want to waste her time either.
- In conclusion, I’ m at the cross roads. 1) Go back to the ex that broke my heart or 2) Stay with the current girlfriend and make it work. If this was based purely on emotions, I’ d go with the ex, but now being a “ smart”  guy, I think the current girlfriend is a workable solution.

I''m 26 years old, live and work in JHB. Both subjects in this case are 25.

If anyone out there, can make sense of my situation, HELP!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberDoc

Dear Confused Dude
It is a very difficult decision but if you don't really feel that the current girlfriend is "the one" and you have fights all the time, it is not going to get better when you marry. Sometimes a person may be ideal marriage material but the "spark" just isn't there, and 10 years down the line you may feel that you missed out. On the other hand, arranged marriages can also turn out to be great marriages, I think it depends on your mind set. Do yourself a favour and go and see a marriage counsellor at FAMSA to help you get clarity. See http://www.famsa.org.za/choosing.asp
Dr Bets

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Confused Dude | 2011-04-12

Hi Lady Friend,

Thank you very much for the detailed response. I guess the " take away"  from your feedback is to spend time by myself and gauge whether the present lady is really who I want to spend the rest of my life with. At the same time, allow non-sexual time with the ex.

Completely understood.

Reply to Confused Dude
Posted by: Lady Friend | 2011-04-12

Based on my life experience, (40 yrs &  got the t-shirt in relationships,presently married for 15yrs), I''d say the first lady is your best option. Trust me when I say the fighting will just get worse particularly when you''re married with children - any partnered/married couple who had conflict pre-kids can confirm this! Have a ''trial seperation'' at least from your current lady to just see how you both really feel away from each other. The trial seperation won''t make you feel like you''re both ''suddenly cut off below the legs'' so to speak. Tell her that your decision is due to the constant fighting and don''t let her persuade you NOT to seperate for a while - be firm. Set a time frame: 1 month or 2 months. I know this might sound odd, but see the other lady (non-sexually) on the side, but be honest with her that you''re having a trial seperation from the current girlfriend. ''Observe'' your ex to see whether she has really matured and appreciates you now. One thing is important here: YOU Need YOUR time ALONE to think, reflect &  finally make a FIRM decision on what it is you really want going forward. Good Luck, Be Firm &  Assertive!

Reply to Lady Friend
Posted by: Cyberdoc | 2011-04-12

Dear Confused Dude
It is a very difficult decision but if you don't really feel that the current girlfriend is "the one" and you have fights all the time, it is not going to get better when you marry. Sometimes a person may be ideal marriage material but the "spark" just isn't there, and 10 years down the line you may feel that you missed out. On the other hand, arranged marriages can also turn out to be great marriages, I think it depends on your mind set. Do yourself a favour and go and see a marriage counsellor at FAMSA to help you get clarity. See http://www.famsa.org.za/choosing.asp
Dr Bets

Reply to Cyberdoc

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